The Skillz Report

 

He Should Play For The Clippers (September 30, 2016)

Nothing really all that worth mentioning except me playing "NBA" hoops against a guy with giant yellow toenails. Even worse, I'm aghast to find two of mine giant and yellow as well.

 

 

Get Out Of My Night Visions, RAD (September 27, 2016)

Yet AGAIN, it's the RAD show, but Rob and Arnie are doing separate shows in the same studio, passively-aggressively blaming each other for the IRL troubles that tanked their partnership. It gets intense and confrontational.
Next thing I know it's the original 90210 again as well; the girls stagger in wasted and I play white knight and care for them. Especially Clare. I may or may not have been Ray Pruit during this episode, which may or may not be a good thing.

 

Yeah, I Liked It. So What? (September 25, 2016)

Greg Papa gets some huge 95.7 "scoop", which is really just a 20-minute talk with some random Raider turned into a big deal with all the unnecessary, inaccurate buildup...actually winds up kind of funny despite being a letdown. Later, I'm reminiscing with someone who I may or may not even know IRL about the old TV show Martin and its harassment lawsuit, choosing our words very carefully around Josie. For some reason, the ugly details about the case don't make my conversant uncomfortable, but praising 90210 does.

 

Could Replacing Hotch Be My New Job? (September 23, 2016)

Back to Law & Order SVU; the retired Cragen is on the bus with a bag in the overhead compartment (?) I quietly ask if "they" are threatening him and get a chirpy "Yes!" in reply. We arrange for SWAT and execute a rescue, but not before my old boss Stephen is killed. Turns out he was one of the captors. You think you know a guy...

Next, I'm headed to the john at Levi's Stadium (49ers home), but it's guarded by a sexy cheerleader. I ask her to ask 49ers coach Chip Kelly about me moonlighting at another job, but her English is too poor. So I track Chip down and get the OK to keep my day job...as a member of the 49er dance team.

When I get to the parking lot, I already have 11 missed calls/texts from Chip about moving his grill. There's also one from Thomas Gibson, formerly of Criminal Minds. I have to be one to inform him of his IRL firing from the show...bummer.
 

 

Maybe If Those Walls And Beams Weren't There (September 22, 2016)

I'm talking with Mike Krukow about the new San Francisco development project. Krukow is asked by their management (who is inside the unfinished building) to throw a pitch to them from outside. He obviously cannot and asks if "they just asked me here to know I'm alive??" Skip to me again working for RAD, where my "funny", built-up quip of "It's good to have skillz at SOMETHING!" pains all in proximity. Yeah, if RAD visions would cease...that'd be great.
 

 

Dude, Do You Just Carry Those Around? (September 21, 2016)

I'm again working for/with Rob and Dawn; Rob is unhappy with my drawing, which is nothing more than a bunch of scribbles on a huge sketchpad. So he sends me and a producer (Brandon) to a food court, where former show member Arnie preps for his IRL sports show. Michael Moore is also in the vicinity.

Arnie joins us and just as I'm about to become the first commoner to find out exactly why he left the RAD show, he decides to go after Moore with a giant pair of pliers. I warn Moore "Arnie HATES you, GTFO!" and he does. So instead of assault or murder, Arnie then takes us all swimming instead. Good times.

 

Was The "Minor Assault" A Tackle? (September 19, 2016)

It's a Judge Judy case with an abnormally large stage. Me, "my" mom, "my" brother, and ex-49ers coach Mike Nolan are suing two for a minor assault. All the way to the stage one calls us idiots for not walking up the "right" side (even though we did) and they're ultimately found guilty! 
Afterward, we find out "The Hoff" David Hasselhoff has died, leading a number of people to strut around with their chests all puffed out and chins raised high "in tribute".

 

We'd Get Free Refills There! (September 18, 2016)

My buddy Aldo sleeps over, but the next morning I fail to wake him and he's 2.5 hours late to wherever. I didn't know I was supposed to do so—until going through my phone and finding his chapter of text sent in the middle of the night asking me for the wake-up call. Oh, well.
I'm soon joined by other buddy Nate and former IRL bud Paul; we need to select a place to venture to. They select locales like Hawaii and Vegas, but ol' frugal Skillz pushes for Chuck E. Cheese. Our ultimate decision will forever remain a mystery.
 

Even The Great Ones Start At The Bottom (September 16, 2016)

My apartment's parking lot has been converted to a giant cage. Four dogs are supposed to inhabit it but every time I try to get one in, another one escapes. At wit's end, I finally just plug the gate with a giant pillow before any others escape.

Next thing I know I'm at some cemetary, heading for a tomb that is only accessible by crawling, then falling through some narrow opening. I do so and am greeted at the bottom by Bob Costas (and others) who supervise me as I write down tombstone info. No reason is given by anyone as to why, and I didn't show up with one. Guess these things just happen.

 

Shouldn't The Bags LOOK Different? (September 15, 2016)

I'm at the 1250, lugging piles of trash and piles of groceries in and out of the house until confusion sets in, and bags start going where they shouldn't. Hopefully I at least stopped the trash before it got INSIDE the fridge.

Next, I'm at the post office, witness to a very collegiate-sounding European chick telling off a less collegiate-sounding chick for not getting off the phone when her turn came up. Several long, ill-suited words such as "recompense" are used. The dispute ends when Chick 2 shouts "When you leave, they'll be WISHIN someone like me was in the men's room!" Uh...yeah.

 

Defense, Dumbasses And Dave (September 12, 2016)

The beginning doesn't make much sense now that I'm reading my morning notes, but apparently I made a two-handed running outfield catch of a ball hit by one of my old IRL Google colleagues. There was also some sort of pillow controversy and some plaza with Taco Bells on all four corners.

Later, Eric and Kelso from That 70's Show are both getting married. Red fears it is to each other.

Lastly, it is a baseball XMas at the home of Dave Roberts (of MLB). He gets me to stay by firmly holding me in handshake grip, then a random mom and kids arrive for a game. Mom gets her second infield hit in the same AB when I challenge the first one to be foul. The game ends in a tie when Dave goes intside and no one knows who the next batter is. He at last tries to send me home, but now I choose to stay and feast on leftover turkey.

 

Too Real For Comfort (September 11, 2016)

Old softball bud Danny dies a few days after a bike accident that killed his wife instantly. Upon waking, it takes time to grasp this didn't really happen (thankfully). The date fits, doesn't it?

 

FInally, A Peer I Can Outrun (September 10, 2016)

I'm chillin' with Mayim Bialik, who's also answering to Amy (her Big Bang Theory character). Nearby, a host of the jocks from my high school are present; I'm especially trying desperately to fit in with Dave Bernstine, who looks the same facially but now has the body of a senior citizen. Later, I mix it up in my parking lot with some idiot who thinks I parked in his space. Which I did not.

 

 

Well, At Least He's Got More Rings (September 7, 2016)

 

The ex is back for the second time this week—tonight, however, she's upped the ante from making out to full-on nooky. There we are, stark-naked, getting busy with our daughter Josie and her adult daughters sitting right there. (Although Josie's back is turned.) When we realize we're not alone, we...keep going.

Finally, we stop because I just can't finish with others present—the ex leaves the scene, and I throw on some boxers and help her oldest daughter dispose of dead bees that had sprouted up in the kitchen. Yes, I typed and you read that correctly.

 

Next, I flip on some NFL. Cowboys legend Troy Aikman is a guest of honor at the 49ers season opener because the Cowboys accused him of being gay; Steelers legend Terry Bradshaw is also present. They close the festivities with a flexing contest; Aikman's bodybuilder physique dazzles, while Bradshaw merely inflates despite his valiant flexing efforts.

 

Lastly, it's night at my apartment complex; over the (nonexistant IRL) loudspeaker, a fellow resident is being sought for non-payment of a boat he bought from two of my INV buddies earlier—apparently, he only paid half but took the boat anyway somehow. Well into the night, despite repeated announcements, the issue is unresolved. 

I head up by our pool, where none other than former major leaguer Shane Rawley is chillin' at 2am. Turns out the boat buyer is his brother, and the guy did finally finish paying for the boat. I make a comment about the buyer being unable to afford pants not long ago and now look at him. Rawley didn't know his brother had been that poor, and hangs his head. End vision.

 

 

No Wonder Your Ass Kept Changing Teams (September 6, 2016)

 

Scene A) Yesterday IRL, for some reason I looked up the career stats for Danny Darwin (MLB pitcher 1976-98). Naturally, in my subconscious, Darwin spots me doing so again. He's not friendly; in fact he talks a lot of unjustified smack, acts as if I'm invading his privacy, then essentially challenges me to memorize and recite his lengthy career travels. 

 

Scene B) Present-day me is back in high school, and a few days away from graduating again. However, a teacher keeps getting on my case, and fed-up me drops out with two days to go. In the office, I go to collect my "drop-out papers"; the administrator is absolutely stunned at my decision, so much so that she keeps handing me nothing.

 

Scene C) While listening to Judge Judy on I-Tunes (?), I decide to call my Uncle William (nevermind that he's been dead for 8½ years.) He asks me to "ride with him" to the liquor store, which I agree to despite correctly interpreting it as a loan request. On the line I hear William ask permission from his wife like a six-year-old would. Permission is granted.

 

I proceed to get dressed...in unexplained slow motion; by the time I finish William has arrived, calmly crashed into the corner of the 1250 and waiting patiently. Inside his ride, he complains about his wife "bullying" him, but before we can get further into the discussion, we encounter a small group of bicyclists spilled in the road, still on their bikes, struggling like turtles to get upright. End vision.

 

 

Not Funny, Not Funny, REALLY Not Funny (September 5, 2016)

 

Old family friend Jackie comes to the 1250 to perform his comedy routine for me. (Note: he did not have a comedy routine IRL.) He begins his bit by programmedly asking "Okay, tell me your name, Skillz?" quickly realizing his goof and apologizing. Next thing I know, "Moms Mabley" is walking in to do her routine. I use quotation marks because IRL, Mabley was septugenarian, thin, toothless and light-skinned. This Mabley is middle-aged, dark-skinned, and husky. This Mabley also does not want to be there and would just as soon take a check and go...I soon oblige. Ironically, then she starts being funny.

 

Things end with a boy who played with Josie and I at the park yesterday IRL trying to spark a makeout session with me. (NO, I did not allow it.)

 

 

Stop Hiring Me, Taco Bell (September 4, 2016)

 

It's a Taco Bell night vision...and I don't storm out naked! Someone has ordered five burritos and I'm having difficulty making them, since the beans and red sauce are mixed together. My colleagues are useless to help; apparently they're forbidden to move from their various positions. I'm sure I'd have stormed out eventually, if not for the skip...

 

...to my ex's house. We're figuring out scheduling for Josie; she randomly gifts me with inappropriate smooches throughout. I also make her oldest daughter laugh out loud with a joke. Both these occurences are highly unlikely to ever take place IRL.

 

Supreme skip to hoop courts whose sidelines feature a ground mural of sorts; the mural is of giant notepads. Out of the five full courts, only a single half court is available. Rather than snap it up, the guy with me calls somebody for other options, because he "ain't playin' on that sketch pad s---."

 

 

NWM (September 1-3, 2016)

 

Individually, none of these visions were worth mentioning. Collectively...probably still not worth mentioning, but what the hell. 

 

I'm with an old pal "Bob"—who's riding in the back seat for some reason—when we get pulled over for speeding. The cop learns I've been pulled over recently and decides not to write me a ticket...but does feel I need to be "written up". He completely turns his back to us to lean on his car and write; Bob recommends I just drive off, even though I'm getting a huge break from the cop (he would give poor advice like this IRL, which is one reason why we're not tight anymore.)

 

Next, I catch my friends' five-year-old daughter running around unsupervised in our parking lot. I corral her and lead her to the INV apartment of her mom—my uncle, 20 years her senior and unacquainted IRL, is lying fully-clothed under her covers and fails to explain why or how. I play with her baby for a bit, then steal some granola bars and bolt.

 

Lastly...couldn't recall clearly, had something to do with The X-Files and Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

 

 

 

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