The Skillz Report

 

So...I'll Be Grading This Myself? (April 30, 2016)

 

The getup of an IRL friend distracts our classmates from my pants being down, fortunately. Still, the lesson continues—according to our teacher, the "Soviets" are after us and he's soon quitting for his own safety. Despite that, we are still assigned work.

The Warriors have a new head coach who refuses to play several key players. Steve Kerr is still around, but all his assistants and Kevon Looney are gone. I'm convinced Kerr's health is to blame and ask him as much, but he isn't forthcoming—except to blame Draymond Green's infamous halftime tirade on missing softball.

 

 

Defiance (April 26, 2016)

Two of the Girlfriends get by separate cars in the same crosswalk seconds apart while a third (Joan, Tracee Eilis Ross' character) then shows up nude to guy's house...only for his dad to return.
I want to recycle cardboard at one warehouse store, but cant find where. I walk around store and am eventually followed by staff (who I ignore) and believed to be nuts until I finally leave.

Lastly, bullying is underway at a school parking lot. One kid has enough and fires a huge rock, then a brick at his bully, then impressively fires another brick through a teacher's window 100 feet away. A meeting with the class parents (including me) is held, but it takes too long to commence so I grab "Josie" and leave. But it turns out I actually grabbed a soda instead of Josie, so instead of showing my face again at the meeting...I commit suicide by crashing into the center divide at high speed. Last laugh: me.

 

 

My Shoes Are My Vehicle (April 24, 2016)

I'm at the 1250 needing a shower, but IRL buddy Nate won't leave me alone...until he overhears teens in another room who neither of us know. Undeterred...I take my shower, place a drive-thru order, can't find the road to the window, then decide to just walk up and plead my case. 
Eventually, I make it to the freeway, where mayhem is afoot—a group is holding a crash victim upside-down and a black guy jumps off a bridge into a creek out of guilt. My old IRL friend Marilynn sits in the road, traumatized, reciting the story even though no one asked or is really listening.

 

 

Chauffers Are Expensive! (April 23, 2016)

I'm Matt Duffy of the San Francisco Giants; Giants reliever Cody Gearrin is on the opposing team. Gearrin gets to a 3-0 count on Duffy/me, then—frustrated with my chatter—plunks me in the head. I chastise him for being lazy and "giving in to Bruce Bochy" (the Giants IRL manager). 
After the game, we sort of hug it out, but then his attitude further enrages me. I talk so much crap in response, that I'm afraid to catch the bus home later.

 

 

The General Of Queens? (April 20, 2016)

 

I will enter what I wrote down while obviously not fully awake: Kevin James/Angie Dickinson/Leah Remini soldier ½-nude war scene on bed SNL (Saturday Night Live) or Comedy Central show.

 

 

SHUT UP WITH ALL THAT X-RAYING! (April 19, 2016)

 

Tonight, I'm baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Thomas, but I can't play because my knee is injured. And I can't have my knee treated because then I can't hear myself singing "Crazy" by Seal. Quite the dilemma.

 

 

Next Time: Attack, THEN Marvel (April 14, 2016)

 

I'm a cast member on The Young & The Restless. Before I go on camera, I watch a scene in which the incarcerated Billy and cellmate, fearing attack, hatch a plan to strike their enemy first. Unfortunately, while cellmate is hypnotically marvelling at the gun they will use, said enemy has found Billy and is pounding/kicking him mercilessly five feet away. Cellmate finally reacts and shoots...Billy, by mistake. Oh, well.

 

Now it's time for my scene, and I'm pumped. Noah and my character are somehow re-enacting a crime scene using toy blocks, but I ruin everything by falling into and damaging the set. Double oh-well.

 

 

There's Something About Skillzy (April 14, 2016)

 

For no discernable reason, one of my testicles falls out of its sac, and it turns out to resemble a hot dog. You come up with your own franks-and-beans joke.

 

 

Due Up: Bush, Branch And Green (April 11, 2016)

 

Things begin with Josie and I walking down a long dirt path to see Matt Cain pitch; we end up in some state park-type region where Cain is indeed pitching...alone, to empty shrubbery, in full uniform.

Skip to what loosely resembles my mom's apartment, where the Golden State Warriors are facing the Washington Wizards. They're whipping the Wiz easily and even shut them out in the third quarter! By then, players on both sides have grown disinterested and have simply driven away, ending the game prematurely.

 

Things end with (an unwelcome) reunion with my father on a beach. I later return to my mom's and share the news; she explains he's been stalking her. Just then I hear a noise, crack the door and bellow "WHO THERE?" into the night. Too dark to see, I only hear "someone" run off at top speed—and damnit if I don't instantly wake up with a racing heart.

 

 

Feeling So Gill-ty (April 10, 2016)

 

A series of short, odd bursts...

 

1. I'm down, because apparently Andy Dick has fatally shot former Less Than Perfect co-star Sara Rue, and now, based on principle, I can no longer use her images for...personal use,

2. Mishaps lead to my goldfish being tossed in the trash, rescued, then accidentally tossed in hot soapy water, and

3. My cousin Gaelan's INV friend needs a ride to his date's house, then once we arrive—bypassing two aging relatives getting high in the driveway for some reason—hints at needing a ride to the theater. I agree to do both, but she's (rightfully) unimpressed when he ultimately insists on biking her there on some bike/cart contraption and won't assist her in exiting. For some reason I'm still present, and am forced to book a motel room to get them inside theater (?).

 

 

That'll Show 'Em! (April 9, 2016)

 

I'm "Wilt Chamberlain" at a Steve Kerr-led practice, only there's no practice, just me errantly shooting a ball that nearby Pat Riley refuses to chase down.

Next, I'm gaming with two dudes from way back and Wilt is the game character. My co-gamer's sister, proving she's quite dim, becomes enamored with Wilt—not realizing he's A) not real, and B) no longer alive IRL.

 

Lastly, customers are arguing with Long John Silver's guy over their lack of burgers. I observe them outside as they develop the perfect idea for revenge: destroying a nearby railroad barricade. Problem is: their car won't start. I laugh at the irony—they're pissed over being unable to smash their car up...because it won't start.

 

 

Guess Who Her Rebound WON'T Be? (April 7, 2016)

 

James Brown (the announcer) is President of the US, and he's chewed out by the Joint Chiefs Of Staff and told to "get dressed" for a speech, even though he's already in a suit. Brown gives his speech, only to be slugged by some jerk afterward. He's tempted to slug back but restrains himself, instead doing a series of air-ninja moves in place as his assailant is corralled. 

 

Meanwhile outside, Barry Watson (7th Heaven) longs for Jennifer Garner, but she's with a different jerk. It has all the hallmarks of a chick flick with a happy ending when Watson beats the snot out of the jerk on Jen's behalf...until Watson, still wound up, hauls off and kicks Jen in the ribs as she kneels beside her fallen beau.

 

Lastly, I'm calling a Warriors game with IRL announcers Bob Fitzgerald and Jim Barnett. I compliment JB for his hustle as a player and ask if it hurt his career; while he's engaging, Fitz—the play-by-play man, mind you—goes a whole quarter barely saying anything. I find out later he was distracted by secretly watching the Watson/Garner show on his monitor.

 

 

Maybe That Was His Goal (April 5, 2016)

 

I have the honor of tossing the cowhide with Mickey Mantle and other legends in the driveway of the 1250. All is well initially, but as things proceed, I get the creepy feeling Mantle is trying to telepathically get me to bring him back to life—he's holding eye contact far too long and goes entire minutes without speaking, as if trying to concentrate.

Just as I begin to tell Mickey I can't help reincarnate him, he turns into a baseball himself and that is that.

 

 

I Get The Hint: Time To Stop (April 4, 2016)

 

Bianchi Jagger, whoever the hell that is, drums "In The Navy" as Josh from The Wonder Years slow-dances (?) with his feminist, bespectacled lady friend. The event carries a Brady Bunch theme, and several actors from the show loiter about.

 

Skip to me dropping off my uncle William at work; I enter with him, and am able to exit despite two locked doors blocking my way. He's in disbelief—this is an outpatient center, and someone's head would roll if a patient got out this easily. Just to amuse myself I pull the trick again—pissing off the staff—and am about to do so a third time when a patient bleeds all over me and wants to kiss it.

 

 

 

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