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Whoa, This Guy's PISSED (January 5, 2018)
An IRL former friend who quit talking to me years ago crosses my path in a restaurant. I take a chance and speak to "Shannon"; at first she's receptive and actually seems glad to see me. But when I start to write my cell number down for her to call me, something triggers, and she makes a break for it as I beg "WHAT DID I DOOOO? (to make her quit talking to me)"
I opt to intercept her...on the freeway...from a still position in my car. Yes, there I am, on the side of the road, expecting to spot Shannon in whatever car she's driving and then chase her down. Obviously I do not see her, but I do witness a very careless driver sideswiping somebody in the left lane—leading to a chase of their own. At least somebody caught their target.
Next thing I know I'm inside our local grocery store with a couple of old ladies and my late grandma, all seated at a table. I am incredibly rude and hostile to my granny, but this doesn't stop Old Lady #1 from helping herself to my small newspaper as I'm reading it. I opt to let it go and simply grab another from the stack.
However, when Old Lady #2 starts to grab that one, I absolutely erupt with threats and profanity that silence the entire area around us. I then lay a towel down on the floor and relieve myself of what seems like a gallon of pee...behavior like this could be why Shannon fled from me. Just sayin'.
Any Junior Mints Up There? (January 10, 2018)
I'm helping my family move from the 1250 to a two-story home in the suburbs. Except when we arrive, no fams—just me in an upstairs bedroom, soon joined by Jerry, Elaine and Kramer from Seinfeld. (I am not George, BTW) Apparently we all work for Mr. Lippman (Elaine's early boss from the show), who has called his staff together to announce his chocolate company is out of business and everyone's laid off...including us.
After cleaning out our stuff, Jerry, Kramer and I leave, but I suspect something's up with Lippman—the meeting seemed off. I pick up a newspaper from the driveway that reveals nothing, but as the three of us leave the property...we see and hear chocolate production resuming through an upstairs window. Soon, Elaine and Lippman appear in the window—I yell "I KNEW IT! YOU JUST WANTED TO GET RID OF US!" Elaine looks guilty; Lippman sneers.
We hop in Jerry's car and bounce. Heading down dark roads back to wherever, Jerry's car stalls mid-trip and Kramer and I push it out of the dangerous, dark road through a muddy parking lot in our nice pants. Jerry seems to be in shock and just sits behind the wheel, staring off into the night. End vision.
Later, I'm in some structure with a ticket booth and a few rooms. In the booth is DMX, who chops it up with me in friendly manner. Continuing on, the room to my left features a few guys lounging and another guy severely bleeding from a deep gash on his hand—no one, including the victim, seems to care much, so I don't bother suggesting medical advice. In the room to the right is a guy in an OCEAN of blood head-to-toe; his face is pretty much rubbed out...and yet he's alive. At this point, I decide it's in my best interests to go back the way I came, and share my experience with Ice Cube.
I Checked. They Was Wrecked. (January 6, 2018)
A young man far too down and stylish to work at CVS directs me to a box I'm seeking. For some reason, I take his helping me to mean I'm also down and stylish, and all but strut to the box...which I use to carry another box. On the way to pay, I'm told by some supervisor to give a large ring of keys to somebody, The somebody I give them to is the floor near the exit. I showed them, right? Wrong, because I accidentally left MY keys by the door and walked out with the others.
As I exit, there's my buddy Chris escorting an elderly companion to the parking lot. When I let Chris know another buddy of ours is nearby, Chris bolts—leaving behind the old man, who immediately tries to clutch on me. Asshole Skillz eludes him and splits.
What The Hell Was It, Monistat? (January 8, 2018)
It's late at night and I need a prescription from the pharmacy. The clerk is too embarrassed to read my prescription out loud, so she asks me to confirm. Only I'm also too embarrassed to read it out loud. The computer screen will not rotate and we have nothing to write with. I start to spell it out, until realizing other people in the room are probably literate.
What we settle on: I have to step through a door to the left, stick my head around the side of a wall window, and verify via pointing/pantomime that she's got the right pills. (IRL, I don't give a f--- who knows what I take; no clue where this vision stemmed from.)
Segment Two of this vision takes place in flashback: I'm Sasha Baron Cohen, flashing back on events that led to my murder. As a teen, I'm about to head to a friend/neighbor's house when intercepted by a bum in my yard—somehow, despite the age difference, I'm able to physically remove said bum and continue on.
Urine My Space, Dude (January 9, 2018)
Somewhat mirroring an IRL Seinfeld episode, Michael Richards wins $80 at the casino and boards the train. This time, there's no undercover cop to protect him from a mugging, but that's okay—Richards fake-pepper sprays the thug and then beats him down.
Richards goes on to attend the Golden Globes and is shown giving a true Kramer-esque reaction to a contentious speech ( that sudden jerk/shake he used to do...you know the one.)
Next, I'm in a parked car with some ho-type woman who's yammering on about her man. Why I'm tolerating this, I don't know, but eventually I leave to pee (with her still talking). As I do so, the guy behind me at the urinal stands WAYTOOCLOSE but I don't press it. I take a long route back to the car, which is no longer there when I return. So like any rational person, I just buy a new one figuring it's less hassle.
Lastly, skip to my apartment—I step out of my room to find some loser in the living room recording himself (this is straight out of a Law & Order: SVU episode I watched earlier in the day IRL.) I boot him out and find out he was arrested at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City not long after.
Clearly, I was being stalked by some Star Trek character for him to cover so much ground so quickly...
Mike & Skilly (January 12, 2018)
In Vision A, I discover a long serrated knife in my backpack and, like any reasonable person, decide on the spot to use it in a convenience store robbery. I make off with $60 but on the freeway, I realize this could land me in prison. So I go back to the store, meet the owner, and return the $60 with $20 "interest" to keep the cops out of it.
Vision B puts me in our local Food Maxx—I aim to buy a six-pack of 20-oz. Diet Pepsi, but the only one they have is missing a bottle. Knowing they'll still charge me full-price, I desperately search for a loose 20 to take its place, but every one I load up morphs into a different size when I reach the line. Finally, I grab an 8-oz. bottle, hoping the cashier can void its price and count it as my sixth 20-oz instead. He cannot, nor can he alter the price of the five-pack, so I angrily throw them into a "Go-Backs" cart in another aisle and exit.
Do-Nut Be Late For School! (January 11, 2018)
At the 1250, some young (9ish) kids pass by outside and my demented grandma yells "AAAYYY!" to them. I remind her that sort of thing can frighten children and bring trouble to us that we don't want. She understands...then somehow successfully invites them in to play with Josie before school.
I step aside to bathe before dropping the kids off, except I do so in my room rather than the tub. Multiple children enter the room; despite my desperate efforts at hiding and shooing them off, they spot me in my soapy birthday suit. Cue registry fear for the vision's duration.
Finally it's time to drop the kids off. One gets a little rude and I curse him out, but still choose to take him. We have to cross a wide street full of road construction (and a sexy reporter) to reach my car—it is at this point that Josie and one of the other kids choose to drive their classic Mustangs to my ride rather than cross the big road.
After some weird sitcom scene with me eating spaghetti and drinking fruity beer with an older Billy Gardell in the 1250 kitchen, we skip to a football field, where Tigers legend Alan Trammell has just won a FOOTBALL game with a long kick return TD. The camera cuts to a Japanese coach walking with his Korean player and their interpreter toward the sideline. Through said interpreter, the two have what seems to be a calm talk, but upon reaching the sideline, the player enters the stands and yells at his coach in English to "SHUT UP!!"
Josie accidentally donuts in the street and drives up a mound of gravel, but I'm too concerned with digging out my missing keys and sneaking a peek at the reporter's legs to care. Teach the children well.
I reach friend's house and decide to prank his dad, who's outside on the porch and doesn't see me.
Around the side of the building I've got a box of what I presume to be prank stuff, but don't make it, because the bum reappears and begins to kill me as I wake up IRL.
Just Chuck It Downfield! (January 14, 2018)
I enjoy a nice, long halftime talk with Warriors announcers Bob Fitzgerald and Jim Barnett, actually asking intelligent questions and giving insightful answers. Like every similar situation I've dreamed in the past, it goes wrong quickly—I just HAD to take my headphones off. Judging by Fitz's response, I'd have drawn less contempt if I'd taken my PANTS off.
Skip to the flag football field; Chuck Norris executes a 4th down "heave" that falls well short of its target. He's also dressed as Walker, Texas Ranger, which could have restricted his arm movement. Next, Tracy Morgan announces his wedding. I congratulate him, and he responds by yelling for me to fix his broken window later.
Things end with me trying to squeeze Josie in reflective shorts following a rainstorm. There are at least two things wrong with this action.
I'm Just Trying To Make A Point (January 13, 2018)
In a shed somewhere, Cardinals/Giants baseball star of yesteryear Willie McGee is interviewed. Feeling left out, I perch myself near a replica ballfield and swat nails in the reporter's direction with a ruler. True, it's not much. But did YOU have a better vision last night?
Who's This Guy, Booger Cousins? (January 15, 2018)
I'm hooping at a park with a couple of kids, one of whom decides to wipe his snot all over the ball. Then, at home, my fishtank cracks and is leaking water like mad. While I do save two fish, two others swell to triple-size and die even before the tank empties.
Next, it's a Friends episode; at Central Perk, the gang fakes Ross' presence so Gunther will hook up an extra hot chocolate. When Ross doesn't show, an angry Gunther takes his partly-finished drink and serves it to another customer. Eventually, the guys go off on their own and get some medical exam requiring them face-down on tables, clad in towel only. Thankfully, no latex glove is heard snapping. (I made the decision to watch one Friends episode a month ago and now it's making regular Night Visions cameos.)
After high school me briefly entertains the risky idea of buying beer for the whole faculty, present-day me is at Food Maxx, stuck in the back of the line. The cashier actually MEETS me in the back of the line—the belt is full of what must be $300 of some lady's groceries—sits down and starts scanning. I go to swipe my card but it says "Get autistic employee".
Soon, a young Filipino man arrives and "helps" me by putting my raw, unsealed chicken wings in the bottom of the shopping cart. Not knowing what else to do, I sprinkle them with seasoning right from my bare hand.
The Ol' Wrap And Lap (January 18, 2018)
My cousin is driving my new car fairly recklessly. When I scold him for it, he promises he won't get a ticket (uh, dude, I'm actually concerned you're gonna TOTAL MY NEW CAR!)
Driving along, we witness a two-bicycle crash—one victim is crying, the other is flailing around. We just laugh and remark "Dumb and dumber!" as I share a real-life crash of stupidity witnessed about three years ago. We're not nice people.
Next thing I know, Josie and I are at some giant dining establishment with all of her friends' families. Turns out that her IRL trip to Samoa cost her a chance at softball signups, but we're still here to cheer her friends on. Walking to the field, Chicken puts his coat around my shoulders and books it, quickly out of my sight.
As I search for him, I lose Josie, finally finding her atop some play structure. She's slow to follow my request to get down and I flip out, threatening an ass-beating (which would only happen INV). Knowing, feeling even, that a confrontation is imminent, I exit the premises with my child...and the coat...without seeing any softball. Boo.
You Gonna Show Off Your Walkman, Too? (January 17, 2018)
This one is for The Bold & The Beautiful fans only: Steffy and Mateo the masseuse are getting chummy on Eric's couch. They decide to take Eric's wheelchair and scooter and race them down two flights of stairs. Obviously, the commotion brings Eric (and Ridge) quickly downstairs; after Eric expresses his disappointment in Mateo's immaturity, Mateo calms his boss with a gentle foot rub.
Also, In Bill's office, Justin notices Carter is clean-shaven and decides to match the look on the spot, borrowing a razor and shaving in the middle of the room—no cream, no mirror, no problem, evidently.
Leaving Soapland (sort of, as you'll see) I find myself in an upstairs hallway with dozens of framed photos of randoms on the wall, with a sign written by former soap actress Elizabeth Hubbard stating "If you are on this wall, I will not sign autograph." Whatever.
On a nearby bulletin board, Chicken has sloppily written an invite to go hiking on a Post-It note, though it takes great effort for me to decipher it and some nearby distracting goof won't shut up about her Playstation 1.
What A Dumbbell (January 16, 2018)
An African woman appears on Judge Judy while her eight kids play outside; she wants to sue In-Shape even though she's actually being sued over proper care of her kids. How legit is her case? She doesn't even know where In-Shape is until a map is presented. (Side note, and 50% of why I deemed this worth mention: the nerdy redhead defendant aroused me.)
Does Donna Know About This??? (January 23, 2018)
In the 1250, Brian Austin Green sits on the floor with a baby. He's thrilled to get the "old gang" back together—presumably the 90210 gang. I'm surprisingly indifferent.
Skip to the IRL wedding of my buddy Raff; I show up in two left shoes but fortunately...just happen to have two right shoes as well. After returning a couple friends—who leave a huge stash of circulars in my ride—back home, I realize I left my house keys at the wedding. Just as I began to head back, my Pontiac begins to overheat. I pull over, and sensing an explosion is coming, BOOK IT. A stranger emerges from the night and starts working on it in spite of the danger, and that's how we close—me standing around watching a fat guy weld my overheated Grand Am.
I now have a half-Indian no-neck baby. In addition to that she's flimsy as f---, making it very difficult to take a five-generation family photo.
Your Rent Just Got Cheaper (January 21, 2018)
This is hands down my favorite Night Vision of 2018 to date, simply because of the complexity, length and vivid recollection.
It starts with me working in the ground floor of some legal-type building. To my right is a scheming blonde, to my left enters a sista with VERY high shorts and "back titties", which are what they sound like. Sista girl claims/hints to have something of interest, so my colleague Andre Braugher and I follow her outside. We walk some 400 feet and end up near some creek bank, where she tells me I'm her baby daddy and if I want to see the baby, I'm going to pay her rent AND child support.
Overhearing this is some haggard-looking older fellow, who—obviously taking my side—shoves homegirl into the creek. Baby mama emerges, only for Braugher to knock her back in and bounce without a word. When she struggles her way up again, I shove her back down. This time, she does not emerge (though I can still hear her screaming for her phone underwater somehow.) I return to the building, where Braugher and I greet each other as if we took lunch separately. ("Oh, hey, what's up? How was lunch?")
The blonde from earlier is still present, and seems to wonder what happened to the sista—I decide in my head I'll tell her if she'll get naked with me, but to my chagrin she doesn't ask. Later, I return to the scene of the crime, just in time to witness a teenage girl barreling down the path on a cart of some sort, crashing into the creek...and not emerging. Shortly after, a young guy hustles down near where I'm standing—it seems a prank or daredevil act went awry.
We eye each other, simultaneously saying "I didn't/ain't see/seen NOTHIN'" before departing. As I'm being driven away in a van, the cops pull it over and arrest me without incident. Arthur Branch (DA from Law & Order) pats my leg in silent reassurance.
Suddenly, Spitting Doesn't Seem So Gross (January 20, 2018)
It's a softball/BBQ event; an old IRL classmate named Laura is present, but for some reason I do NOT want her to know I recognize or remember her. Just as things get underway, rains hit and we run for cover—when it ends, I find multiple players shared one piece of gum during the downpour rather than get wet grabbing more. SMH...
I later share the gross act with Ashton Kutcher (HIM again?), who's lying on my bed doing a film review. Skip to the 1250, where my grandma refers to the murdered young beauty queen as "BurkeBenet JonBenet" rather than JonBenet Ramsey. I want to post it on Facebook, but can't due to AutoCorrect screwing up my words to read "Bye Controllar" and the ensuing mess trying to unscramble it.
Things end with me flipping through the channels and finding corpses on every third channel, many "interacting" with the living—plus a show where a panicked hospital visitor stops three nurses to tend to a patient. The nurses flip out and run off, arms flailing, Benny Hill-style.
"Guys, I'm Placing Myself OVER Arrest. Peace" (January 19, 2018)
I'm home packing for my pending arrest; apparently I committed vehicular manslaughter of some girl. As I do so, the cops just walk in, no knock, no uniforms, but they're nice enough to allow me to put on socks and shoes first. I'm hoping to go unseen as they take me away, but just my luck...a small herd of special needs people witness the show. Crap.
Initially cuffed in front, my cuffs are soon removed altogether and off to booking we go. I treat the whole thing cavalierly, like one would jury duty. The booker (?) surmises an error with my drivers license, and while she fiddles with it...I decide I've had enough of being under arrest and simply walk out.
"Green With The Flush! That's #2 Tonight!" (January 26, 2018)
Playing softball, with my old 5th-grade teacher doing the pitching and me playing 1B. A runner reaches, and I EASILY fake the idiot runner out by faking a throw nowhere—he stupidly sprints off the bag and is promptly caught in a pickle and erased. I'm rewarded for my effort by...being beamed into RF somehow, with a ball already in the air.
I drift toward the foul line and accidentally catch it to end the inning. When my turn to bat comes, at least 10 teammates—all of whom resemble programming geeks—line up on the third base line. I tell them to move. They don't. I flip out and SCREAM for them to "get their asses off the goddamn field!!!" That works, and now that I'm distraction-free, I...ground a single to center. Well, hey, it's a liner in the boxscore.
Things end with Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors popping into my apartment during the 4th quarter of a game—apparently he yelled at a rookie for not listening to the coach and needed to calm down. He then goes down the hall to help my mom and uncle unclog my toilet, while I fill in my grandma on the greatness of Bo Jackson, including an INV moment where he outran Jerry Rice while returning a fumble.
Push The Bra Models. THEN I'll Care (January 28, 2018)
Tiffani Thiessen is in a boob product ad, which consists of her and several other nude women posing with arms across bare chests, except one who's got her girls fully exposed. I'm not complaining.
I next find myself walking through my old neighborhood to CVS, passing a blonde with an empty shopping cart on the sidewalk. She waits until I've passed her to stop me for a talk, understandably peeving me. But I oblige and then continue on my way.
Several minutes up, there she is, and now she's got two Asian boys and a dog in the cart. She waits for me to express curiosity, but is left confused when I simply continue to walk past her.
Act Three: my old baseball teammate Tito is a guest star on The Bold & The Beautiful, playing a handyman. He urges me to submit a "tryout" for the show, but my poor word choice during the interview kaputs any shot I had—plus I didn't immediately offer my seat to Karla Mosley, one of the show's stars.
Finally, I graduate second grade but refuse to participate in the celebratory song. My buddies gather around and yell "2018, Beyotch!" Not exactly appropriate, but whatever.
Terrorize, Hypnotize, Paralyze, Angerize (January 31, 2018)
The Mowry twins leave for a double date...until somebody attempts to rob them for gloves and/or a hand warmer. I scour a nearby Walgreens (it's late; nowhere else is open) to find a hand warmer for the robber but come up empty...but I do somehow make my way back with a floppy dildo that I struggle to keep concealed.
I also pop in a Food Maxx. There, an elementary school classmate Tyrece is rapping Biggie Smalls' "Hypnotize"; I help him out by supplying the infamous synth/guitar bursts.
Next, I'm chillin' and laughin' with MLB's Bartolo Colon in my apartment. He speaks English, which he does not do IRL. Nice. But that's followed with a skip to me in the Army, beached, shot in the spine and ordered to throw items in a bag. Not nearly as nice.
Skip to the Little League diamond: a kid gets beaned, I rip a double from the dugout, my coach is angry it wasn't a triple; further anger ensues when I'm thrown out at home; I don't attack him because he's small. An oblivious Gary Sheffield appears from nowhere to praise the talent of fellow ex-MLBer Kevin Mitchell.
Byrd...Watch This One Closely (January 29, 2018)
Judge Judy is underway in a casino; a woman is suing a convicted murder for full custody of their child. Do not ask me how he A) didn't lose custody after being convicted, or B) why he isn't in prison right now...I'm just reporting.
Apparently, Curt Chaplin has gotten mixed up because he's hosting this show rather than The People's Court. As he performs his duties a reporter rudely accosts him with questions he can't possibly know the answer to. (I'm amused by a microphone being stuck in the face of a guy already holding a microphone.)
Later, in the casino, I play a poker-type game until we take a break and one of the players attempts to introduce some stupid game she invented that makes no sense. Finally, I stumble upon a Roger Cedeno baseball card with some very gaudy numbers. Numbers unbefitting of Roger Cedeno, if you follow the sport.
(I admit, this Night Vision was fairly week. It's basically a formatting space-filler. Bear with me.)
Night Visions, January 2018
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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