The Skillz Report

Concealed Wieners (August 27, 2018)

 

An IRL friend stops by the 1250 to pick up her kids...but all three of them (and Josie) wind up falling asleep on the floor. I use the time to clean up, and to stuff a Hershey's Kiss in Josie's still-asleep mouth.

 

Next thing I know, my mom and I are driving around and hear a Scooby-Doo song on the radio. This inspires us to drive around until we find a Scooby-Doo Street. Somethow it only takes minutes.

 

Mom then drops me off at my new INV Safeway job. A young woman is quitting and exiting the store as I enter...but she still greets me as if we're actually familiar co-workers. (Her fella does not like this.) As I walk to the employee area, I overhear two more people—one of whom is riding around on a segway—discussing quitting.

 

It doesn't take long to figure out what's driving the staff away—the constant sound of shopping carts click-clacking on the brick floor is nearly unbearable. Not only that, but they don't keep hot dogs in the same aisle as other deli stuff. Just like that, I decide to become a customer myself.

 

I gather some green vegetables, pilfer store-owned scissors, and head to the frozen section for some stem-cutting. A staffer asks me "what I want". Not wanting to seem confused, I tell him "frozen soup". He calls over to another staffer who pulls the soup out of the freezer for me. Uhhh...thanks?

 

Things end with me being told by my INV wife to get dressed for "the wedding", which isn't far from starting. What she doesn't know: all my wedding clothes are currently in the washing machine. And the alcohol I was supposed to bring? Not purchased. So naturally, I lie that all is well.

Knowing I'll regret that, I choose to sit and chill, enjoying my last peaceful minutes before having to face the music.

 

 

Y'all Can Find Another Starting Center (August 26, 2018)

 

We begin with me checking into a hotel; I accidentally submit my INV colleague's fake Social Security cards instead of my ID. We correct things and the transaction continues, with me talking a little smack about my shady colleague. What I don't know until walking away—said shady colleague was sitting three feet behind me the whole time...whoops.

 

I make my way to my $154, 13th-floor room...and find six beds in it, with four urban teenage dudes sprawled out on one of them. Barely breaking stride, I continue on to the opposite wall exit—but leave my suitcase behind so the youths don't think I saw them and decided to bail (even if that's true).

 

I take the stairs to the lobby, and somehow reach it in just four short flights (remember, I was on Floor 13). As I approach the front desk, I spot an employee of my local IRL grocery store greeting people outside. Intrigued, I meet her and find her to be way too chipper in comparison to her usual dour persona...which freaks me out.

At this point, I decide f--- the $154, f--- the suitcase, I'm noping the hell outta here. 

 

 

Wheel Of Fuschia? (August 25, 2018)

 

A little defragmented; all I clearly recall is some allegedly famous rapper competing on Wheel Of Fortune. He, in the middle of the show, asks Pat Sajak where the plants are—according to the rapper, back in the day WOF used to place plants on the wheel. An irked Pat mutters "That was 20 years ago". 

 

Later, I'm walking through my INV apartment complex and spot a sign "Use Your Belts", so I step aside and cinch up my sagging jeans like a good boy.

 

 

 

I Ain't Peein' Near No Plane! (August 24, 2018)

 

Marcy from Married With Children is doing sign language with some unnamed Indian man, as Peggy and Jefferson stew in jealousy off to the side. Marcy's friend then joins his papa in another room; the two of them get in a heated Hindu argument and bounce, as Marcy silently marvels at his "sudden" ability to speak.

 

Skip to a redux of Top Gun. Goose (Anthony Edwards) is in charge of the flight team, which consists of Maverick (Tom Cruise), the original A-Team, and a few others. Goose is less than thrilled with the A-Team's presence and forces them to kneel on the ground and pee while he and two lackeys laugh from a nearby parked helicopter (which is playing some random love song).

 

The mission is about to begin, and Maverick—in all seriousness—asks me to convert Josie's Construx projects into a usable fighter jet. I do my best, but don't fully finish it before Goose starts the mission. He is especially displeased at having to lug my "jet" downstairs, but at least the vision ends just seconds before he's ejected head-first into the roof again (as in the film).

 

 

I Yank Your Clothes, You Fold Mine (August 23, 2018)

 

We begin in San Mateo, California (a bit south of San Francisco).

I'm walking down the road minding my own business when a trio of teens zip past on bicycles. One of them is clad in a dress and white tights, which wouldn't be strange were the wearer not clearly male. I continue on to the library.

 

In the computer hall, the crossdressed boy sits typing; I, for some inexplicable reason, start tugging at the top of the dress as if expecting it to come off. He is understandably pissed, and I'm instantly remorseful and apologize profusely. To his credit, he doesn't make as big a stink about it as he should have.

 

After waiting in a very long line for the restroom—during which I fret over the potential fallout from my actions—I change clothes, and when I emerge, that same kid has folded up my clean laundry and even placed them on hangers—making me feel even worse for how I treated him.

 

Leaving the library, I start to head to a nearby piroshki shop but, with my semi-assault still fresh in my mind, I ultimately decide to get out of town while the getting is good. My buddy Paul starts to drive us home, but when he drives around 3/4 of a cloverleaf interchange, I assume he's kidnapping me for the dress incident.

Turns out he's lost and wouldn't admit it; making matters worse, he rams my tire against the curb when pulling over to switch seats with me. Thanks, buddy.

 

 

Premature Exasperation (August 21, 2018)

 

It's the Giants hosting the Dodgers; I watch on TV at home. San Francisco leads by four late and seems to have a badly-needed win wrapped up. Of course, LA storms back and ties the game, at which point I completely lose my s---, sending anything I can find airborne and knocking over what I cannot throw (furniture). When the dust settles, I realize that the game actually is a re-airing from god knows when...dang.

 

Then I head to the grocery store for grape jelly, get in line, and spot about 10 unattended items on the belt. When no one returns to line right away, I place my jelly in front and wait...then remember more stuff I want and leave the line with my jelly. While browsing, the cashier calls out to me about the unattended stuff—I deny ownership, but am so nervous they'll hassle me about it that I just leave without buying anything.

 

Lastly, I'm doing armed courier work in a sparsely-populated downtown. I drop off a box of quarters to a bank, flirt with the leggy employee, then discover most of the quarters still in my bag somehow upon returning to the truck.

Not wishing to be accused of anything, cue mission to secretly return the quarters to the box in the bank...somehow the employee is so focused on staring into space that my plan works.

 

My attempt to deliver to Target goes awry; the delivery bag is full of random junk instead of money. Plus I kind of parked inside the store, which is generally frowned upon.

 

 

 

She's HEAVENLY (August 14, 2018)

 

The opener of tonight's visions CREEPED ME OUT.

 

At first, all is quite nice—I'm seated in a stadium near a young brunette and a young blonde (who strongly resembles an IRL ex), and getting to know them through small talk. Then I ask the blonde something about the future...she instantly turns melancholy.

 

Seeing my confusion, the brunette then explains to me that the blonde is actually dead, and I'm speaking with her ghost—apparently she recently got in the car with a drunk driver, died in the inevitable crash, and feels extremely guilty for hurting her family as well as truncating her own life.

 

With the blonde near tears, I attempt to pep her up by reminding her she is—not was—a good person who just made a bad decision, and that we all make bad decisions. Her family loves her no matter what, and even though we just met, I do too. Though still upset, she seems to accept my words. I wake up freaked out that someone close to me died IRL...so far, thankfully, all are well.

 

After passing out again, I find myself with IRL buds Juan and Hirday—we're loitering in a car outside somebody's house in what seems to be a spy job. Suddenly, Hirday speeds us all off, so fast that his shoes are left behind. We arrive at a grassy knoll, near where kids are waiting for their ride to a field trip. The three of us shag flies (aka catch self-hit baseballs), with me across the road doing most of the shagging. 

 

After a bit, the scene changes to a stage; Juan and Hirday have been replaced by Giants broadcasters Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow and I'm pitching to them for real but can't throw strikes...even from about 40 feet away.

 

 

He's NOT A Close-Talker After All! (August 13, 2018)

 

I work for a radio station, which is broadcasting from what appears to be an upscale restaurant. I can't find the place, and have to walk up 15 stairs, through an annoyed Judge Reinhold's house, and back down 15 more stairs just to reach the place. We take a commercial break, and I return from said break late with my pants down. Needless to say, I'm fired, but still stick around afterward to help my colleagues count shoes. (There are MANY pink ones).

 

Following that, I again take the Reinhold route back. This time he's nicer.

 

 

What, Was Rony Seikaly Busy? (August 9, 2018)

 

I'm at an NBA shootaround; present is Klay Thompson, as well as two younger Klay dopplegangers—one of whom, for whatever reason, feels the need to inform me he's leaving the league for a few months. We're in the bleachers, and as he begins to explain further, his honeyboo, without a word, turns around for a makeout session. 
Concluding SHE'S the reason he's taking time off from the NBA, I immediately lose interest and bolt.

 

Continuing the shootaround, one of the rim's screws is obviously loose and I refuse to dunk on it; somebody else does and immediately regrets it. Still, we continue on with the crooked rim and start to scrimmage. Participating are Boogie Cousins, Andrew Bogut and Andris Biedrins (present, past and past Golden State Warriors centers). The other Klay doppleganger takes the ball on the right block; four groupie types try to circle-guard him—literally, forming a circle around him—but he outwits them and scores on the crooked rim. Impressive.

 

Next, I'm an actor, leaving the set to drive my Magnum P.I. car to the front of the building and expecting the crew to deliver my lunch to me right there in my car. They actually do, and I get to meet a shorter, muscular Tom Selleck as well. Of course, I'm so intimidated that I call him Tom Seaver (baseball Hall-of-Famer).

 

Lastly, it's the hospital from ER. The boss, a James Brolin-type, is set to receive a kidney from the staff bumbler (who we'll call Harv). Harv, now thinking he's "in" with the popular Brolin, tries infiltrating Brolin's clique but is wholly treated as if he's not even there. I, on the other hand, am able to fit in nicely thanks to my fictional story of cutting wood for Josie's treehouse and accidentally saying "openator". Brolin eats this up—just like that, I'm "in".

 

Eventually, Brolin, Dr. Doug Ross (George Clooney's character) and Harv board the elevator. Sensing trouble, I decide to use the stairs and meet the bunch at the 5th floor. There, Harv storms out, upset that Brolin is mean and doesn't like him. As I leave, Brolin instructs me to contact Josie; he can help with her treehouse but needs info.

When I try to dial out of the hospital, Dr. Ross—acting as the operator—answers, and straight up denies my call, presumably for not warning him about the potential elevator conflict.

 

 

...But If I Did, WOULD Ya? (August 8, 2018)

 

I'm a teen again, and my dementia-addled grandma is having episodes which are keeping my mom up. So I physically guide grandma to bed and perch at the computer to...you know. Problem is, my uncle returns home early and rather than just close the web browser, I run to the back of the house and hide.

 

Then, it's time to drop off my school bus for the afternoon driver. I do so at an intersection near my colleague's house, but keep having to return to the porch area to drop off/retrieve stuff. At first it's annoying, but it ends up beneficial—the extra time spent at the scene allows me to glimpse my colleague walking to the bus in a bikini. She's older and isn't close to a 10, but I'm aroused by the sheer impudence and circle my car around the block in hopes of a second look.

 

Unfortunately, by the time I complete the loop she's managed to board the bus...and throw on jeans and a blouse. Still intrigued, I insist on a hug, which she gives reluctantly—she seems to know exactly why I'm there. HEY, don't get mad at me, I didn't tell you to parade around virtually naked...

 

 

Gonna Need A Big Van (August 7, 2018)

 

I work for Sacramento radio host Rob Williams. My bud from the previous vision, "Buck", pays me a visit at work. Buck takes offense to something Rob says and winds up lifting him up by the throat for several seconds. After finally releasing Rob, Buck and I leave while Rob struggles for air.

 

A bit later, I call Rob, knowing there's no way I can show my face to him again. "Am I fired, or should I quit?" Rob responds yes, I am fired, and I need to move all my stuff out of his building in one shot—no re-entering. It's at this point I realize I also live at the radio station.

 

Next, I'm visiting a restaurant run by The Young And The Restless character Billy Abbott. I'm not in there two minutes before I'm back behind the counter helping Billy's busy staff (though not one soul ASKS me to do so). A woman asks me to refill her ice cream bowl, and I DO try, but since I don't actually work there, I keep accidentally pressing the strawberry button rather than vanilla. FINALLY, 10 minutes later, the customer gets her ice cream and surprisingly doesn't bitch about the wait. 

 

On a bit of a high after pleasing a customer, I return to work and commit several health code violations. No one minds.

 

 

♫ Who Lives In An Encampment Under The Bridge??? ♫ (August 5, 2018)

 

After briefly sharing a bed (AND THAT'S IT) with Bill Cosby, my buddy "Buck" and I hang out at a dining hall—problem is he stinks and people think it's me. I keep my distance outside until Buck leaves, at which point I return inside to find an ER waiting room with several waiting patients. I, with no real prompt, jump right in to help examine these patients for hand/foot/mouth disease. 

Initially I'm just pre-screening and interviewing; Kerry Weaver from ER commends me and sends me to actually TREAT a patient.

 

Obviously I have no idea what I'm doing and when the patient starts to have a bad reaction, all I can do is try to summon help—which arrives too late to prevent the patient's death (despite comical use of the defibrilator). 

At that point Weaver—still unconcerned with my lack of medical training—sends me back to my examining duties.

 

That's not the only career I embark upon this night; my next adventure takes place in a print shop, where I apparently bring the same foldup couch to every day and bring home every night—even though I have increasing difficulty hauling it out because children overrun my work space at quittin' time. 

Finally, the light bulb comes on: I don't USE the couch...why bring it?! I'm so pleased with my epiphany that I smooch our receptionist as I leave.

 

The next day, said receptionist is creepily waiting out front for me and climbs in my backseat as another younger, cuter female climbs in front...at this point, it's discovered that jealousy can be physically FELT if intense enough.

 

Stuff goes on around the shop as well, including a receiving guy getting fired and taking it very poorly since a woman did it; a human SpongeBob and Patrick making a job-quitting pact—except SpongeBob backs out at the last minute and Patrick's not allowed to un-quit. We call that "scandalous".

 

 

The Show Must Go On (August 4, 2018)

 

My INV cat goes AWOL, and my pathetic kissy sounds fail to summon it. The search commences outside and I end up in a convenience store—while I shop, some dude is getting skinned by teenage girls in the dark parking lot. He screams pretty loud, but the clerk and I complete the transaction without really caring.

 

Next, it's daylight again, and I'm to make a delivery via helicopter. Unfortunately it crashes and since I'm not killed, I'm told to make the delivery via automobile. At the stop, a cute young Italian woman wants to make me a cake but doesn't trust I'll return for it—forcing me to leave $5 as collateral.

 

Finally, I clean out the 1250 cabinets and find a 20-year-old box of cereal...with milk in it. Not for a MILLION dollars, buddy.

 

 

Technically, I WAS Locked Up (August 3, 2018)

 

After a day of built-up fury, I beat someone dead. The authorities send me to a camp with numerous special-needs peeps, where I'm eventually put on a bus and driven on wildly-curved freeway ramps before being turned loose.

 

Next, I'm chillin' with actors Jason Priestley and Brian Austin Green when their old series Beverly Hills, 90210 begins to air. I make the (false) statement that only Priestley and Jennie Garth look better now than they did on the show; obviously Green takes mild offense until I placate him with "You look exactly the same". He forgives me when I accidentally call him David (his character on the show).

 

Following this, I'm laughing at a Cheers scene between Sam and Woody when a huge slap is heard—it's a stack of wood being dropped outside, but all immediately conclude Norm lost it and hit some woman, which puts me in more hysterics (the conclusion-jumping, that is.)
I later compare Norm's "circle" shape with that of my own as he washes up in my mom's bathroom.

 

In closing, I'm invited to some park event, where IRL friend Rodel instructs me to use his ID since non-residents aren't allowed in the park. I agree, even though we resemble each other about as much as Hall & Oates. (Google it, kids.)

We then make "circles", which are basically round pools of paint in cardboard cut like a muffin pan. As I do this, I find a pile of Josie's stuff discarded in a back corner; I gather it up except for an allegedly plush squirrel that looks too realistic for my comfort.

 

Things wrap with my group attacking bugs with scented repellent, and me reluctantly doing so with stinky Black Flag.

 

 

A Schizophrenic Vase? (August 2, 2018)

 

INV, I wake up and discover a trashed living room and a trash can filled with water. After some investigating, it turns out a vase fell from a tall cabinet, and managed to wreck a room of furniture on the way down...still doesn't really explain the water in the trash, but could anything?

 

Plenty more went down. But I didn't deem reading an insult letter to a TV sheriff, or absorbing a friend's blame for her toddler scaling a fence, worthy of mention.

 

 

♫ "...Toke On It...Coke On It..." ♫ (August 1, 2018)

 

It's a lawn party! Unfortunately, two turtles get chased off by a tiger that only I see. Because I look like a nutcase trying to track it down, guests begin giving me second-hand gifts out of pity.

 

Next, I introduce Josie to a real-live wrestling ring, and offer to bodyslam her so she knows the feeling (as if I could do that in the year 2018).

 

Continuing on foot, I encounter my friend April post-fender bender and help her gather information, even though I'm embarrased about being fat. I end up in some random house with a special-needs dude checking on his granny, finding her on the ground, and reporting "She's too stiff!"

 

Goodbye house, hello mystery ramp leading to mystery building. Climbing Attempt #1 fails; I roll back down and am nearly squished by a car. Attempt #2 succeeds and I climb through a window to some sort of support group for drug users. For who knows what reason, I want to stay, so I "act crackhead" in order to fit in—tilting my chair stupidly, calling a girl fat, then declaring "I LOVE me some fat bitches!" when she reacts poorly. 

During the last part of this scene, the Mattress Discounters jingle plays on loop.

 

 

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