The Skillz Report

Mr. Van Gogh? Is That You? (July 30, 2018)

 

We kick off with Josie, me and some other random kid fighting evil video game characters trying to eat us; only when I smash a toy onto the ground are they finally subdued. Then I threaten to beat up my uncle when he grumbles about the broken toy—sorry, uncle, next time I'll let them eat us.

 

Skip to my INV apartment, whose window bars have been bent by construction outside. I go to my landlord, who's also a doctor in a downstairs office, to discuss the bars—he hides, but I still spot him. He assures me he's bought "bath tissue" for all the units, but I soon overhear fellow tenants complaining about said "tissue" ("It's like that s--- helicopters drop on fires!") I promise to buy some real bath tissue for all.

 

After doing so, I return to the landlord/doctor for medical reasons this time. But he gives me a new, awkward doc, whose attempt to treat me is interrupted by a guy with his ear severed (but no blood).

 

Now 0-for-2, I take a walk down the plaza and pass President Trump sitting alone on a cement flowerbed, as if he's just some old schmoe. In the mens room, I'm enjoying a hip-hop song over the speakers when its artist appears with several questions—I assure him I bought his single and "prove it" by singing the "no shoes, no shirt, but I still get service" from LMFAO's "Sexy And I Know It". Dude is appeased.

 

 

Oops...Was That A Foul? (July 29, 2018)

 

Driving down a main road, I encounter a couple of kids playing with a basketball in said road. They lose control of it and it bounces off my moving car; I try to catch it through the window but fail. 
So my next move is to threaten to kill the ball thrower if there's a repeat incident. "You've said that before" the snot replies. Next thing I know, we're on my apartment's second floor landing and I throw him over the rail. Aren't I a great guy...

 

 

The Dream With The Dream (July 28, 2018)

 

Things begin with me, my ex, and our INV two kids running from a hurricane-fed flood; we split up and meet my friend Monica and her two kids also fleeing. We happen upon an unoccupied bunker and start to climb inside...until realizing it might be a trap and think better of it.
As the floodwater continues to "chase" us, we continue searching for safety, walking through a darkened outdoor bar playing the famous "Talking Stuffed Giraffe" scene from Three's Company. 

 

I eventually outrun the water and make it to, of all places, Josie's dentist office and attempt to schedule her appointment, but they can't because I lack her medical records...and it's Saturday (why the hell are you even THERE, then???) I finally catch up with my ex in a darkened-but-still-open CVS. Instead of being relieved that the floodwater has slowed to a near-stop, a dirtbag customer is cursing because the store is dark...where's a Taser when you need one?

 

Next, the cast of Raising Hope is selling puke ice cubes...yes, you read that right and no, I cannot explain it.
Needless to say, I pass and decide to use the neighbor kid's hose runoff to fill my own ice trays with actual water.

Inside the Raising Hope house,  I grab myself a box of frozen chocolate treats...that turns out to be frozen pizza, which I cook upon pulling toy race tracks out of the oven.

 

On TV are the NBA Playoffs—a light-skinned Hakeem Olajuwon is battling Joe Kleine, he of 92 surgeries, according to the broadcaster. In the middle of a play, Olajuwon's IRL Rockets teammate Vernon Maxwell hugs him...nice, but dumb. An "NBA Cares" ad airs with a crowd of people reciting the catch phrase, one of whom has LeBron James' head poorly edited onto his body.

 

 

Don't Screw This Up (July 26, 2018)

 

Time to job interview at Home Depot—I'm directed to the rear of the store and told to sit on a chair, nothing more. A manager spots me and makes me stand off to the side, in the middle of a kitchenware aisle. At that moment, I'm suddenly shirtless, only adding to my impulse to can the interview before it even happens.
I start running toward my car when the manager stops me. "Where are you going?" I lie that I was just trying to hurry up and get a shirt. She's satisfied and instructs me to "fix the chair" with just a screwdriver.

 

 

I Could Dance If I Want To, And I Left My Pants Behind (July 23, 2018)

 

At some house, my buds and I are gathered and moments from departing when our boy Raff pulls up blaring "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Right there in the road, I put on a dance show—some of which is actually quality! But not enough to prevent my buds from leaving before the song ends, including Raff, who agrees that "I shouldn't have done that".

 

Following a scene with some strange Egyptian Super Mario game, I wind up in a school cafeteria—apparently I'm due to perform a song there, and I have not prepped in any way. The clothes I was to change into are NOT packed in my bag; all I have is a tight pair of jeans, which I desperately try to squeeze into while others perform.

As soon at it hits me that my pants are off in a very public setting, everyone else realizes as well and murmur ridicule my way as I continue to writhe and struggle on the floor...fawk.

 

 

A Bottle Is More Accurate...WINK WINK (July 21, 2018)

 

Things begin with me watching my ex tap her foot to Katy Perry's "Chained To The Rhythm", followed by me creating a photo montage of a BBQ with a Photoshopped beer can as my junk. Again...I just report this stuff.

 

Next, I drive said ex's Honda somewhere late at night. Being the smart guy that I am, I make sure to hide the briefcase of valuables inside the car...under a park bench. (Luckily, after taking a few steps I wise up and return them to the vehicle.)

 

I join up with S.F. Giants star Pablo Sandoval and tease him for sleeping with INV GIants personality Flita (who, despite a nice coiffe, is ugly). Soon, I'm on the field as the Giants play the Houston Astros—somebody makes a throw which slightly deflects off me and into no man's land, allowing the Giants to score the winning run! Feeling like I'd be accepted for having helped out, I go to celebrate with the other black guys, but they take off in a mad sprint leaving me in the dust.

 

 

Now We're ALL Sharpshooters...BA-DUM-CHING (July 20, 2018)

 

Among a crowd of past and present NBA stars, I am selected to Jrue Holiday's two-on-two team, while Kevin Garnett disappointedly selects Michael Jordan. Collective groans from the disapponted dudes who aren't chosen; Draymond Green is particularly animated (shocker).

As we warm up, I tease MJ about Garnett more or less settling for the greatest player of all-time. Jordan laughs...but once the game starts, he becomes obsessed with stealing the ball from me every time I touch it. I do manage a couple of hoops in spite of MJ, and in spite of the ball turning into a drawing compass a few minutes in.

 

 

Well, He IS A "Soap" Star (July 19, 2018)

 

Actor Vincent Irizarry scrubs dirt off my ankles in the 1250 bathroom. Need I say more?

 

 

There's A Net; Close Enough. (July 17, 2018)

 

I'm playing basketball. Nothing weird about that.
Except I'm playing full-court while everyone else is playing on two adjoining half-courts.
And we're using a tennis ball.
It's gonna be a lonnnng game.

Next, I'm doing deliveries in a small convertible. I don't get to my first stop until 4pm for some reason; I'm dropping off an unsealed driver's license, social security card and $1 through a mail slot. Someone has never heard of identity theft, evidently.

 

 

You Can't TRAVEL In Football, Dummy (July 16, 2018)

 

We begin in Mexico, where me, my mom and daughter are trying to sort out some unexplained legal matter. Upon finishing, I'm supposed to pay a machine to get my exit ticket...but they either don't work, won't accept my money, or in one case disappears while I'm using it. I snap in front of a bunch of people, but we're able to find a way out of the garage without paying.

Later, my mother wants to send in the payment, but after my earlier loss of composure she doesn't trust me to even drop the check in the mail.
Frustrated, I bounce and end up at some arena, sitting in the seats with former NBA coach Don Nelson and reminiscing about ex-Golden State Warrior "Montaw Ellis". Turns out I'm an ex-Warrior as well, and my current Bulls team is in town to play Golden State. I'm fouled on a jump shot and prepare to shoot free throws.

Problem is, I'm told to stand behind a bed, and atop a very unstable springboard—needless to say, I miss both shots. But shortly after, I protest and demand to re-shoot on flat ground; this time both shots are good. Halftime begins and I'm sad to learn the Warriors did not include me in the 2018 Championship team picture.

Next, I'm Deion Sanders, breaking toward the end zone. Just as I break the plane I switch the ball from my left to right hand—the idiot staff (not officials, STAFF) initially rules it a touchback until I show them on replay that the plane had been broken. Even though I'm awarded the TD, my teammates and I loudly berate the staff even after kicking the ball off. I/Deion even compares my "illegally" crossing the goal line to illegally crossing the border, which my previously-supportive teammates steer very clear of.

 

 

"So...How 'Bout That Ted Williams?" (July 14, 2018)

 

At a large park my buddy Paul, a few other dudes and myself take turns throwing/batting volleyballs around. They're all very capable of making long one-handed throws, but all I can manage are weak two-handed heaves that barely go anywhere...not fun. And not masculine.

Skip to my buddy Jon's house, where I play with his preteen daughter and give her a hug. Later in the day she's sent home early from school, with a yellow note attached to her backpack—Jon is warned that I'm a pervert and inappropriate, and that the school will not allow me anywhere near his kid even with parental permission. As a result, the trip Jon, I and several of our other friends were about to take goes on without me. leaving me to hang out with a buddy's elderly dad.

I end up in a Walgreen's, searching for a particular women's shampoo. Some woman is running off the names of all the teams ex-major leaguer Mike Cameron played for—I name one she forgot, and she proceeds to ramble...and ramble...and ramble...until I'm forced to enter the pharmacy and close the door before her wall of speech is complete.
Inside the pharmacy, I approach a service window to pay for the shampoo, but after the "pervert" note I'm extra-careful to not stand too close to the woman at the neighboring window—she's wearing a sleeveless top and I don't want any accusations.

 

 

Now THAT'S Commitment! (July 10, 2018)

 

I work for the Rob, Arnie and Dawn radio show, and I make an on-air joke about someone spelling "stomach" as "stombach". Rob calls me the worst radio talent ever and takes me off the air. I quit and wish him well. He is arrogant and does not wish me well, since I'm quitting.

On the way out, I witness a kid being blackmailed for pot ("I'll be broke before I can get that much!"). Suddenly, as the drugee/blackmailer suggests the kid earn money in a hoops competition, a cop starts to arrest him and is shot by an unseen assailant.
Humorously, the bleeding and obviously staggered cop goosesteps toward the drugee and attempts to continue the arrest as if nothing is wrong with him—the drugee could push him over with a finger at this point—but finally collapses.

Skip to Judge Judy on a legal-themed game show; she gets multiple seemingly easy questions wrong, including the definition of perjury.

Lastly, in an episode of The Office, someone sneaks in and rams Jim's head hard on his desk. Dwight and I begin pursuit, catch the guy in a stairwell, and toss him over the side several stories as our colleagues look on. Yet, I absorb the brunt of the staff's shocked, disgusted reaction (Pam is especially traumatized).

 

 

They Live In THAT Bowl Now? (July 8, 2018)

 

Once again, I'm starring in a sitcom, working at a shop run by Jeff Goldblum. Some idiot customer complains so we do a taste test of two cakes to ensure edibility. My colleagues and I then film several bizarre poses of us sampling cake...it's not nearly as much fun as it appears on screen.

Back at my character's apartment, my roomie has numerous guests over and they're all doing semi-nude dances/stretches right there in the living room (which is partitioned off from my room by a sheet). Our toilet "flushes" via a large goldfish swimming up the pipe and dragging the poop away. And cats mysteriously appear, claiming to have flown in on a nearby bird skeleton. That's right...claiming.

This sitcom just might make it...

 

 

Orina, Orina (July 7, 2018)

 

I'm trying to babysit my buddy's kids but the three-year-old repeatedly attempts to escape out different exits. My solution: lock all doors and put cones in the driveway in case the locks aren't effective.

Next, I'm one of the Ghostusters, dealing with ghosts stealing poop. Not seeing why this is a problem, personally.
Finally, I'm working with an old IRL college clasmate as well as the stars of General Hospital to compose a Halloween song set to the tune of "Despacito".  I come up with a title, "Dead Amigo", but concentrate a little too hard on lyrics and wet myself in the bathroom stall.

 

 

Malik And Molly? (July 5, 2018)

 

A number of short, but notable scenes:

 

 

⦁    At an NBA event, Patrick Ewing warns all other attendees HE wants all eight cheerleaders in attendance.

⦁    On some set, I'm told I should take a sitcom role as the odd neighbor, and pressured into performing voice auditions on the spot.

⦁    A CHP vehicle crashes, but when I start calling 911 they're already on the line as if they were calling me.

⦁    We see promos for new Roseanne Barr and Melissa McCarthy shows; McCarthy emphasizes SHE'S with a black man on her show.

⦁    I'm in a Simpsons episode, riding in a car with NBA star Klay Thompson. I'm dropped off at school with a basketball, but once inside all I want to do is shoot around with Thompson so—after Milhouse accidentally triggers the teacher's allergy by kissing her cheek after eating fish—I cut class and ignore a drowning Moe Syzslak as I exit.

 

 

You Better Hope He Isn't Deaf (July 4, 2018)

 

This one is a little strange in that I experience it through the lens of a documentary. There's a war going on, and the news has no qualms showing the uncensored aftermath of a mass killing. It then cuts to a dude being tortured for answers—he ain't talking, so he gets cut repeatedly (saying "ow" each time) until his captors slice his whole hand off.

I try mightily to avoid seeing/hearing the most gruesome parts, and succeed for the most part. Two brothers from one of the foreign lands are highlighted next; they're guarding a house full of their young siblings. Somehow, they're tricked into believing said siblings have been captured—they arm themselves and vacate the building, at which time the enemy quickly executes the unguarded kids. 
Dark...

 

 

Apologies To Any Passerby (July 3, 2018)

 

Nell, the little pixie girl from NCIS: LA, is a baseball "throw analyst" working from inside the Oakland A's ballpark. She ends up in my room, clearly horny but still commenting on the players' throws. I take the hint, whip out my junk, and shut/block the door...in that order.
(For clarity's sake, IRL I could never touch her; she looks like and is the size of a child. Also, I must have went through a half-dozen baseball/sex puns for the above title, unable to settle on one.)

 

 

Same Smell. Close Enough? (July 2, 2018)

 

I've re-acquired my former IRL diaper pickup/delivery job, which is now located inside a Taco Bell. My boss Mark is not there at the moment, so I'm told to come back that afternoon. After a period practicing my wide-receiver skillz in the street against a very fit cornerback, I change clothes and return to work.

Rather than send me on deliveries, Mark tries to station me in the restaurant, specifically bathroom cleaning duty (which obviously I'm not enthused about). After two minutes of this I've had enough, tell Mark this ain't workin', and receive a four-hour paycheck. Mark hands it to me in such a way that I feel I wronged HIM somehow.
Skip to a massive minor-league baseball fight, with all participants wearing helmets. One dude gets a 10-foot running start, charges at another...and is easily shoved to the ground where he lies motionless like a Family Guy character as I LMAO.

 

 

Is This Guy Nuts? (July 1, 2018)

 

A large, tattooed former acquaintance is fired from his job at a snack stand and is angry about it. Which normally wouldn't affect me that much, except he locks onto my (terrified) hand as he prays in a threatening tone...guess we all need somebody sometimes. 

 

 

 

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