The Skillz Report

Thumbs Down (March 4, 2018)

 

Alex is excited about our upcoming circus trip...until her pet lizard disappears. We search, and I grab her bed frame to scan underneath....which is when the lizard spray-poops on my thumb from under the bed.

 

Alex becomes paranoid, disinfecting everything I touched even BEFORE the incident and not letting me touch anything after with that hand, even after extensive washing. Because of this restriction, I repeatedly drop/knock over stacks of old Score baseball cards she was sorting for some reason, and also have trouble rebuilding her computer. Moral of the story: keep your lizards diapered.

What? You Can't Even Reach The Pedals (March 3, 2018)

 

In a grocery store, Josie's Girl Scout troop leader and I are "fishing", which means she is firing hot dogs in my mouth from across the store. After I catch one, I hound her up and down an aisle acting as a goldfish. This is a low point in Night Visions.

 

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds has been arrested for...being mean, I guess. He is held in the butcher/kitchen area of the store's restaurant and put to work with other inmates. I and an IRL acquaintance intend to spot him but are ultimately too scared to give more than a passing glance into his work area.

 

Skip to the sea—while floating on a raft, the A-Team and other soldiers spot "The Taliban" (some giant china statue) thrown at them. As Face investigates, a woman crashes a blimp dangerously close to him....mission on. Next, a midget demands an abandoned car I found, then slurps up Josie's soda when I refuse.

 

We end with me outside the store absorbing ridicule for my speaking manner from "friends" until Sheryl Underwood of The Talk appears and credits me with giving her the confidence to speak her mind and be strong. Yay me.

Plus, The Team Has Multiple Minorities! (March 1, 2018)

 

A guy from the 1950's is transplanted to modern-day Coors Field (the Colorado Rockies' home ballpark); he's amazed by the technology, as one might expect, and tours inside the INV "White Tower" of the park—which is nothing more than a lighthouse/video board contraption.

On said video screen, we watch a Rockie make a diving catch that somehow lands him on TOP of the board. Announcers compare him to Jesus as the baffled trainers try to reach him.

 

Skip to a new library opening for the city of Burlingame, CA in my hometown of Vallejo, CA (about an hour apart IRL) for some reason. I ask for a card application and smooch the gray-haired staffer upon receiving it, for no reason.

I then sit and skim through an O.J. Simpson murder case book, which upsets a black man who finds the skimming disrespectful—even after I explain I'd already read it once.

 

Later, an undercover cop who resembles the actress Tessa Thompson is shot and dies in the hospital; Denzel Washington takes it upon himself to lug her to the morgue from her hospital bed. Personally, I would have asked for a stretcher, if for no other reason than to keep blood off my clothes. But whatever.

 

 

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Halitosis Prevents Tragedies (March 14, 2018)

 

Along with my IRL buds Luke and Paul, I walk through a less-than-charming neighborhood. Outside one residence stands about a half-dozen punk types, one of whom threatens to "elbow-slam" me. Thinking fast, I pretend to recognize another and remind him how I used to rap in high school—on cue, Luke drops the beat and I bust out the classic "Bitch, Yo Breath Stank". They're appeased and no fisticuffs take place.

 

Logical conclusion: while walking away, I conclude my IRL dead grandfather has been hassling them and go to visit him at a nearby bar. He is there, but I flake out on the confrontation—only to find my car being towed outside. The driver ignores me and takes off...across the street to a gas station. There, my car simply breaks from the truck and rolls to where I still stood at the bar—almost as if I pulled it on a string.

With the tow guy in pursuit, I act fast. "Quick! I know how to stop it!" while signaling for the keys (which he somehow has.) It works, and I drive away pointing at the tow idiot and laughing.

 

Next, I'm on a downhill road approaching a traffic light. The light automatically brakes my car at the crosswalk, even though no one's using it—I can't use it til the countdown completes. Finally passing the light, there's Bill Cosby walking up the road. I shout out the window to warn him about the light, but he assumes I'm trying to get him to confess to rape and blows me off.

 

After a baseball scrimmage where I throw out a runner at home with help from Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson's short-hop backhand, things end with me writing a giant card in marker: "Restore One Life To Live Characters" as a montage of former OLTL actress Kassie DePaiva lying on pianos plays in the background.

 

 

Their Hands Were Up; He Shot Anyway (March 11, 2018)

 

The Yankees are playing the Red Sox, with me as all Red Sox hitters. No matter what I do, my first nine swings are uncoordinated and feeble; none of them make contact—even those of Jay Buhner (former Mariners star IRL).

 

Jump ahead to the 6th inning; despite my haplessness, Yankees starter David Wells is knocked out of the game in the 3rd inning, and we're in position to tie things up. I somehow figure out my swing and start hitting liners all over the place; my Red Sox go up 8-6. But then the game is delayed when Sox 3B Scott Cooper leaves to get new clothes, and his teammates simply go to sleep. I get on the "phone", which is actually an empty drawer, calling for help from "Ryan or Randy". No such luck.

 

Next, I'm at an airport in a large group with other employees; our boss tries to keep us orderly but we all head out into the cold anyway, where my IRL buds Aldo and Raff kick a soccer ball off cars while I bring up the rear.

 

Lastly, I'm in a police station for some reason, standing in a longish line to speak with the desk officer (or whatever.) The guy behind me starts up a conversation—against my will—and gets animated to the point of carelessly waving the sharp end of a pencil close to my face. I angrily react, then leave. Later, I return to the station and speak with a very impressive officer; this guy is so great he goes on to beat the Golden State Warriors in a game of coffee can basketball taking place entirely within my childhood bedroom.

 

 

It's Not Happening, Friend (March 10, 2018)

 

Not much, just Chicken lying semi-seductively across my car's hood after a visit, and the Scooby-Doo gang dodging security lasers in a dance club—except Fred, who's in shorts and too cold to avoid them.

 

 

Please Don't Be Curious, Kids (March 8, 2018)

 

The Seinfeld gang is piled in a car with "Gary Sheffield" on a trip somewhere. They pull over so George and Jerry can pee in some bushes (having learned nothing from the parking garage episode, obviously). They're predictably caught by a cop; it seems they've gotten away with it when he asks them for some first aid supplies...but the ass takes the supplies and still tickets them.

 

After some lawsuit and moving shenanigans, I find myself courtside at a Golden State Warriors game with my pants down. I try furiously to at least get my boxers back up without flashing anyone but they just will not cooperate; I even hear the broadcasters stop talking and Draymond Green look my way with concern. Eventually I semi-sneak away and re-dress in the bathroom—when I return, my IRL friends Ryan and April are sitting where my nude bottom had been minutes ago. I keep mum; they're too happy to disturb.

 

Skip to some mobile home park; I have sex toys to deliver! The customer's home is part of an entire row decorated with (presumably) each owner's XXX name and painted image. I arrive at the house at the same time as two teen girls, one of whom cheerfully insists on taking the box from me. They didn't go over this situation in my training.

 

It starts to rain, and I have great difficulty putting on my jacket. Frustrated with the time lost, I cut through a bunch of patios to reach my next stop—she's also receiving sex toys, and there's instructions to hide them in her unlocked vehicle. When i reach said vehicle, however, I've forgotten/dropped the box. Lucky for me, a 10-year-old boy runs it up to me, as the recepient watches. Might be time to update that resume...

STRIKE TWELVE! (March 15, 2018)

 

In a highly-unlikely Modern Family scene, Jay, Phil and an unnamed homosexual Latin man are gathered at Phil's. Phil begins to chat Jay up, but the tortured patriarch runs over to the Latin guy and makes out with him just to escape his mind-numbing son-in-law.

 

Next, I'm Murdock from The A-Team; we're in LA doing some questioning before heading across the street to a snack bar helmed by actress Debra Jo Rupp (Kitty from That 70's Show). She, too, is questioned by Hannibal. Then I feel obliged to let Rupp know that I'm sort of from the future, and her career turns out pretty well. Rupp and my teammates are all creeped out.

 

Lastly, I'm witness to the San Francisco Giants "Spring Training"—they're lakeside, with Bruce Bochy driving some water-ski/tent contraption. He drives the motorized skis, which pull a tent full of 12 Giants on the water behind him. As one might expect, it snaps and the players barrel into the dock; none seem hurt.

 

On the cabin deck, a teen boy is being very helpful and courteous to those around him, including another kid his age. This prompts his snooty bitch mother to retort "I thought you (other boy) were from a nice black family, but the first thing you do is ask my son for a jacket." The woman's friend reams her out, adding "Are you sure you're his (her son's) mother?!" Don't ask me where it came from.