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Mention, And You Shall Receive (October 9, 2017)
Oakland Raiders broadcaster Greg Papa tries to interiew me about my (lack of) Raider fandom, but all I talk about is the 2006 Athletics, whose big slugger Frank Thomas appears out of nowhere and converses with me. Good times.
Next, I finish up a wild baseball video game with a grand slam by ex-Giant Noah Lowry. Ecstatic, I run into the middle of an actual field where my former IRL softball mates just happen to be, and take a nice group pic. They have no clue why I'm so happy and seem to be unnerved; why I don't just simply explain is a mystery.
Lastly, I work in the kitchen of a hotel. Some of the office girls ask me to put together a meal for them, but when I go into the kitchen area I accidentally smack one of them with a cart somehow. Humiliated, I decide to disappear, exiting out the back and making the long rain-soaked walk behind the building to my car. Only upon reaching my car do I realize that if I'd just turned right instead of left and hopped down a short loading dock, the car would've been 20 seconds away instead of three minutes...stupid cart.
Must-See NV (October 8, 2017)
I'm on a portable hoop court at a relative's former apartment; one of the ballers is a burly chick, Countess Vaughn-esque but less feminine. My IRL friend Jenn shows up and Countess picks on her for no reason...then ups the ante to threats. We GTFO, leaving the ball.
After a brief scene of me hiding under a bed from my father (who I want no part of), I'm a partner of Tom from Parks & Recreation, and we're trying to sell some accessory to a biker dude. After about 30 seconds of unfriendliness, we're just hoping the biker dude doesn't try to eat us. Why is everyone so hostile tonight???
Soon after, we file out of the building, along with the casts of Parks & Rec and The Office; apparently whatever show we now do is going off the air for good. A pregnant and teary-eyed Jenna Fischer hugs me, which goes down as a definite plus.
Not Worth Mention (October 7, 2017)
Thought I could make working at Burger King against my will interesting, but there just wasn't enough there for detail.
1st And 10 From The Free Throw Line (October 2, 2017)
It's baseball time! I'm playing center field and catch a fly ball...then another about five seconds later...but the last one goes over my head five seconds after that. Hunter Pence of the Giants bats in front of me, but no matter what I do or how I time my swing, all I can hit are hard grounders to RF. Sure, I'm "moving the line", but still.
Eventually this shifts to a wild NBA basketball game that more closely resembles the NFL. Players past and present are falling like bowling pins; the neverending legs of 7'6" Mavericks alum Shawn Bradley get all twisted up like a foldable yardstick.
Things close with me on my route and some kid hijacking my big rig to do tricks, then me in a shop searching my pouch for a list as several unsolicited hands try to help themselves to the pouch's contents.
My Name-A Barry (October 10, 2017)
This is one of those Night Visions where I feel the need to reiterate, yet again, that I DO NOT MAKE ANY OF THESE UP. My internal wiring is just this screwy.
Vision A is a Pittsburgh Pirates game from the 1990's. Barry Bonds is batting; Jay Bell is on second base.Bell attempts to relay pitch location to Bonds from his vantage point, but Bonds is having none of it and orders Bell to stop. Bell doesn't stop, and Bonds gets a tad more disrespectful with his teammate.
Understandably, Bell doesn't like being belittled, especially in front of opponents, so he charges the batters box. Bell and Bonds scuffle on the field and then in the dugout, where Bell socks the superstar thrice in the face. The fight continues into the clubhouse; both men wind up naked and rolling on the ground a la Borat. Bonds, losing, resorts to smooching Bell to gain an upper hand.
I awaken here—mercifully—and turn on our local news (KTVU), which is providing nonstop coverage of wildfires in the San Francisco Bay Area where TSR is based. But I pass back out without shutting the tube down, and real life infiltrated my subconscious...
Vision B Location: fire-ravaged IRL Santa Rosa, CA, where there's been a murder. I'm part of the investigation, which is being run by KTVU News rather than the police. I first head to the Polish consulate, since according to a map California now borders Europe. There, after playing catch with my daughter's kindergarten teacher, I decide to do laundry. Unfortunately, the attendant tensely refuses to loan me any detergent. Back into the field I go.
As my fellow reporters turn the heat up on the investigation, I encounter actor Johnny Galecki, who's solemn over blowing a shot with some chick and in no mood to socialize. I then run into my buddy Jason, who needs to get to Burlingame, CA for a paternity test and needs my help mapping the trip—he's embarrassingly off with his route. (Of course, we're in a universe where Poland borders California, so maybe not.)
Finally, my teammates have a suspect and a search warrant; we head to a warehouse to execute it. KTVU News legend Dennis Richmond is on the scene, but is clowned by an investigator ("Nobody called YOU here, Dennis.") and dismissed. We corner the suspect—someone who'd been right under our noses all along—and even though we are not cops, arrest him. I head back to my car, but have to trick two golden retrievers who seem to think I'm their ride and block the door.
Dog Gone...Twice (October 12, 2017)
Things begin at the 1250, where a number of my old-school crew are gathered with me, helping me babysit a couple of kids. Eventually some of the guys need to leave so I walk them outside...where a random pit bull is posted. Not taking any chances, I beat him to death with a bat, and my buddy Aldo and I return inside.
The kids' parents showed up during the goodbye/murder, but the little girl refuses to leave without giving me a drawing—it's cute and I'm very grateful. So we escort them outside where the dog is splayed out against the house. Aldo volunteers to discard the beast but when he grabs its legs, it comes back to life as a terrier and runs away.
Skip to a (fictional) episode of Seinfeld; Elaine is barefoot in an open suitcase rotating on a grossly undersized airport luggage drop. I can't tell if she's doing this for fun or genuinely stuck. Kramer shows up to Jerry's with a buzzcut; Jerry asks "I thought you were gonna grow your hair!" Kramer's response is basically "Oops".
In closing, I find myself driving an armored truck to a taco bus (as opposed to a taco truck). The seat is way too high even for 6'2" me, but I am able to still control the pedals (barely) and reach the bus. Upon entering, I scare the crap out of the taco lady...then scare her again when she mishears my order of three tacos as thirty tacos.
"Just Ask Her, Partner! I Need To Polish My Nightstick" (October 17, 2017)
I rearrange the furniture in my childhood bedroom, and at first I feel brilliant given all the extra space I've created. Only then do I realize the bed has not been placed anywhere, and that I'm actually an idiot.
Next, I find myself on a busy 707 street; Josie has borrowed her friend's bike and needs to return it. After a street-crossing fiasco, she arrives at a house that could be the right one; Josie waits in the ground-level yard while I climb a wall ladder with the bike. Just then a woman exits the house, and rather than assist me as I struggle with the bike, she chooses to coo over Josie and feed her as I just sort of dangle there. Next time, we'll just keep your stupid bike.
Lastly, I'm investigating some serious crime with Detectives Briscoe, Green, Logan and Goren from the Law & Order franchise. We hash out facts of the case over pizza, a slice of which is left behind with only the cheese and toppings eaten. I swoop in and we move to a different area of the crime scene—it is at this time Logan makes his first of two attempts to get the contact info of Briscoe's daughter in the hopes of sexing her up.After the second attempt Briscoe and I simultaneously tell Logan "You don't want to have this conversation".
Since all this is happening while Green explains the case, we miss important details and wind up leaving without doing any actual questioning. Damnit, Logan...
You're Supposed To Be In The Dugout, Tommy (October 21, 2017)
We go back again to the 1250, where I decide to dispose of some compostables by tossing them out a second-floor window. Unfortunately, Tommy Lasorda is below and though he's not hit, I can't have him thinking poorly of me, so down I go to properly dispose of the trash.
In the driveway, I find myself warming up some random pitcher in the twilight. His first pitch is bunted out of nowhere by retired major leaguer Delino DeShields Sr., who also seems primed to bunt the second pitch as well. But he doesn't, and I whiff at the ball—which strikes Lasorda in the face.
We examine his teeth; nothing appears to be broken and he isn't dead or even unconscious. Relieved, I simply state that I thought DeShields was going to bunt. But DeShields has morphed into my old friend Jose, who is HIGHLY displeased at what he believes is me blaming him for what happened—and lets me know with a couple of scathing, sarcasm-laced riddles that even suggest racism on my part. Good God.
I Have My Own Blood, Thank You (October 22, 2017)
Much of this vision takes place in the Simpsons universe; we begin with a competition of sorts at the elementary school—not sure what, but adults and kids are allowed. Bart enrages Principal Skinner so badly that Skinner fires him, prompting Bart to calmly respond "But I don't work here." BOOM!
Next, the announcer calls several winners to the stage, including two "hollow-armed kids" and a supposed onetime Oprah Winfrey date (who happens to be female). As more and more winners are named, most of them are forced to leave the stage with various maladies like violent nosebleeds (which I'm almost splashed by) and one girl who can't stop crying—and not out of joy.
Eventually I head to the back of the building; all the winners sent off the stage have been given individual rooms to recover. I find the crying girl rubbing a barcode all over herself, which causes a number of unsettling tattoos/images to appear on her body. Puzzled, I re-rub her with the barcode and she disappears entirely, re-emerging in a bathroom several feet down as if nothing strange happened. Thankfully, that's where we wrap.
Operation: Repossess My Reward (October 25, 2017)
I'm in my aunt's kitchen with my buddy Aldo, who's giving me a bunch of grocery-related "would-you-rathers". The only one I recall upon waking: "Would you rather eat broccoli every single day or go without seasoning your food every single day?"
Skip to the open kitchen area of some restaurant—I'm not sure if I'm an employee or not, but in any event I'm passing through the area. The manager is Sonia from Operation Repo, and she "rewards" anyone who can make it through the sizable kitchen zone without touching the newly-mopped floor.
To my left I see two different people attempting second-floor jumps trying for this prize...and quickly regretting it. I simply Spider-Man my way along cabinets on the right side of the floor—success!
Unfortunately, when I push the back door open to find Sonia, I frighten her—she thinks I'm breaking IN—and she ends up locking me out. No reward.
Wait. How'd We End Up In Britain? (October 27, 2017)
Things begin with my uncle returning home with my car, driving it from the passenger side somehow. Though I need to go somewhere, now my MOM wants to use the car real quick—I oblige, and pass the time moving a massive maroon couch on my back for my grandma.
I impatiently peer out the window repeatedly. At one point I see a dump truck in the driveway carrying nothing but six ordinary churros, but I'm too chicken to investigate further and the car never comes back. Lesson learned: Just say no, kids—even to your parents.
You Dish It Out...I Out The Dishes! (October 29, 2017)
My buddy Rodel and I are at an Asian restaurant of some sort, ordering take-out. As we receive our meal, a young man calmly asks the owner when his food might arrive. With zero provocation, the owner flips out on the guy, telling him to shut the f--- up among other heavily-accented confrontational words.
To his credit, the customer, who certainly doesn't look anything resembling meek, doesn't react...immediately. Instead, he waits until the owner has returned to the kitchen, walks back there himself....and dashes out with armfuls of what I can only imagine to be food and/or dishes.
Ignoring the owner's screams, the customer jets off with the goods. Out of curiosity, I follow him outside and see him speed off, as his would-be dining partner emerges with a "how am I gonna get home" look on his face.
"Since We Gave You A RISE..." (October 30, 2017)
I'm walking through a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit—it's a railway system) station when a group of four thuggish young women execute a flash robbery. A blind man seated nearby holds up a sign "They did this to me".
The thugs work their way over to me but all they do is physically lift me off the ground using the Leslie Jones of their group, and taunt me with a box of Kleenex—presumably an attack on my solo activities.
Show Him The Lovey (October 31, 2017)
We begin at some mall; my buddy Fleazoe and I have finished up and are headed for the exit when we pass a table occupied by young people with stacks upon stacks of fliers. They seem overwhelmed so we help them with distribution to passing shoppers—I become obsessed with it, however, and continue to pass them out long after Fleazoe has stopped, even to children.
At last, I reach Fleazoe's car and we end up in a run-down 'hood where Renee Zelwegger and two kids wait anxiously for a bus. She explains these are Jerry Maguire's kids and she's taking them to work with her. She also wants to tell Jerry she loves him, but will be late for work if she misses the bus. I urge her to just tell Jerry, promising to take her to work myself afterward. So we all go to Jerry's loft; while she confesses her love, I snap group photos with dudes from my IRL fantasy league (most of whom I have not met.)
Next, I find myself in an episode of The Cosby Show, except it's set in 2017 meaning Cliff and Clair are now old with grandkids. One grandkid, a dead ringer for young Rudy, accidentally knocks over an entire dessert; all Clair can manage is "Oh, No" on repeat as "Rudy" apologizes on repeat as well. As I help her remake the treat, a Mount Rushmore of comic legends appears on the TV behind us featuring Desi Arnaz, Bill Cosby and Steve Urkel.
Lastly, Giants broadcaster Jon Miller has taken my friend Jenn and I to an awards show in San Francisco. We win SOMETHING, but the hosts are very vague on what it is and what we must do to claim it—eventually we lose interest. Especially me when a hot backup dancer-type takes an interest in me. More specifically: she wants to f--- in the bathroom. She's in a tight, skimpy outfit, and I'm wearing a hole-ridden old Giants shirt; I do not understand why she wants ME, but hey, whatever.
No sooner than we get to the can, however....Miller calls for me; it's time to go, his grandkids' flight has landed. Back at Jon's place, I try to make chit-chat but he does not want to talk, leaving me to wonder why he even took me. (Curiously, I do not wonder what happened to Jenn. Some friend I am.)
Night Visions, October 2017
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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