The Skillz Report

Mr. Wade, Did You Know Shaq Has FOUR Titles? (October 30, 2014)

 

 

Michael Jordan has come out of retirement at age 50 to play for the Bulls. I'm interviewing Royals DH Billy Butler about his free agency; he's at first reluctant to utter a sound but then says "We'll see how it goes." Lastly, I'm in my late grandma's bedroom discussing Shaq with Dwayne Wade. I educate him on Penny Hardaway (having apparently forgotten that Wade once was a teammate of Hardaway.) Wade and I have a long, puzzling discussion about why Shaq left the Orlando Magic.

If the real Wade believes letting random dudes educate him on the NBA is spare time well spent....Gabby Union made a mistake.

 

 

Do Bums Play Softball? (October 29, 2014)

 

 

We're having a family softball game. A half-dozen bums drift through the home plate area until I threaten to have "my boys" take care of them. They quickly scatter.

The game continues; I'm tripling, sliding headfirst into third base like I'm 29 again. Then things shift; I'm working for one of my former IRL delivery companies who work near Ebola Street in Sacramento...oookaay. However, I've decided one of the new customer service girls is too likable, so I escape to prevent falling for her. Yes, I quit a good job because a colleague was too likable.

 

The vision ends with me running behind a tall fence to keep out of sight as my colleagues labor, carrying wood by hand from a maze. (?)

 

 

Vlad Is Still Bad! (October 28, 2014)

 

 

It's an In The Heat Of The Night reunion! This is such a special day, Howard Rollins has returned from the dead to participate. I mingle with him and Alan Autry before the entire cast and crew is summoned for a group pic at the bar (of the restaurant we're at.) 

 

Next, I'm watching the Giants ice the Royals in the deciding World Series game (from my window.) Buster Posey has hit a three-run homer, and LF Vladimir Guerrero (who IRL was a RF who never played for San Francisco and has been retired for three years) hits a solo shot to aid the cause. 

 

 

Just Going Off My Notes For This One (October 27, 2014)

 

Since I did online mattress shopping right before bed, predictably tonight's vision began with: a guy selling me a mattress. He's stuck in traffic and a poor negotiator. Then—according to my notes; I remember none of this particular vision—a bus driver (and adjacent ambulance) also get stuck in the traffic, and passengers criticize the bus driver up and down until she somehow produces food for us.

 

I disembark, kiss her goodbye, and go to the gym at "Roth High" with Arnie the radio host.

 

 

Teachers At Juvie? (October 26, 2014)

 

I've returned to grocery delivery, where I'm frustrated by continually having to re-remove shoes and dispose of dead snakes (?) from a customer's house. This family has three separate kids training on potty chairs in front of the TV as I work around them. Fun!

Next thing I know, I'm in juvenile hall with kids 20 years my junior who are running their mouths but hardly as dangerous as they think. The teacher (?), who is an older edition of my daughter's teacher, is selling crappy books to the inmates—who are surprisingly interested. End vision.

 

 

It's Gonna Be A Stink Day (October 25, 2014)

 

Tonight, I'm back in the looney bin, needing a shower. However, there are only two showers—one is in use, and the other is out in the open where a celebrity (who I think was a Caucasian male Saturday Night Live cast member but my stupid brain wouldn't confirm) is running a group. No shower for me!

 

 

Is The Game PG-35? (October 24, 2014)

 

I'm playing Wheel Of Fortune with a former friend and a fictional roomie; we both quit when said ex-friend started running his mouth and cheating too much (vision imitates life closely here). 

 

My subconscious then re-enacts the famous "Bonestorm" scene from The Simpsons when Bart is trying to talk Marge into buying him the game. This time I'm after the game, but the store won't sell it to me for unexplained reasons. So I go out to the parking lot where Bill Cosby is waiting to be picked up. My daughter greets him with a "Flippy Dippy!" to his amusement; we load Mr. Cosby and drive away for what I'm sure is an evening of hijinks.

 

 

Now Who Will Protect Judy? (October 23, 2014)

 

Byrd from Judge Judy has been broken from police custody by none other than myself. To help facilitate his escape, I literally give him the shirt off my back. What a guy I am.

Next, I learn thru a surveilance video at CVS that Tonya Harding had been throwing stuff at customers waiting in line. Not my weirdest vision ever...but among the most random and unexplainable.

 

 

Do I Know You Ladies? (October 22, 2014)

 

The setting: some random apartment. I'm with a friend and my uncle, who's worried he'll give away our living arrangements for some reason. Alex, calls me twice on the phone—I learn this when two random chicks chillin' outside my open bedroom window call me to the phone. Alex is going on a trip, but needs to know my height for her Xmas gift to me.

 

I tell her if she gets me a present, I will get her an energy drink! She's lucky. Eventually, I'm left with just the original friend who shits loudly; I can hear him in the crapper from the kitchen. (There's also a General Hospital scene in which a lady is forced to crack a pitcher over her upset son-in-law's head...most of you wouldn't understand.)

 

 

Talking Cures Choking? (October 21, 2014)

 

Loads of odd tonight. First, Woody Harrelson and a lackey take my 3rd grade class hostage. And I don't mean that I'm the teacher—I'm one of the students. While held hostage we're given a Western to watch; I type away on my laptop instead. Harrelson decides to move everyone to another room; I, for some reason, am only in a t-shirt/boxers and my classmates—despite their hostage status—don't try to hide their amusement. (Joke's on YOU, brain: I wore tighty-whiteys in 3rd grade, not boxers!)

 

Next thing I know I'm riding around Vallejo with Rob, Arnie and Dawn from the eponymous radio show. We arrive at Arnie's surprisingly well-decorated home, where his dog speaks to me as Dawn changes into shorts and lounges against me—creating worry, since she's married to a very large man IRL. BTW, I'm the only one amazed by the talking dog.

 

Finally, I'm at the 1250 where my floor fishtank has sprung a leak/crack and my fish are losing water fast. I beg my grandma to assist while I run for more water. The sink will only spout searing hot h2o, so I pour some from the fridge. When I return to the tank, the fish are on the ground gasping while my grandma just sits there. "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?" I yell at her as I scoop up and save the fish. "I talked to 'em!" she retorts, truly believing the power of her words as effective in saving a choking fish as water.

 

 

At Least It Didn't Stink (October 20, 2014)

 

I'm in a mall, playing a game of Strikeout with a former friend. I have great command of all my pitches—which was seldom the case IRL. The game is flowing until a man needs to pass. We try to let him; he insists on waiting. We go back and forth with the "go aheads" until I finally give in to his insistence. Of course, when I pitch, he again tries to pass and is almost hit. Game over.

 

I catch up with an IRL buddy, Joel. He announces he's moving—in 307 days. For some reason this compels him to show everyone he's wearing shoes with no socks and pulls his bare foot out to several people as proof. The ex, Joel and myself are meeting with a salesman of some sort in an office—again, off comes the shoe, and around the room goes the foot. Good for you, buddy.

 

 

Your Glasses Are Pissing Me Off! (October 19, 2014)

 

As Murdock from The A-Team cracks a safe in the 1250's driveway, I'm lugging a piece of furniture on my back up the road. Just when I decide I can't go any further—I'm in Palo Alto, making a FedEx delivery to a plex of suites. I park in the middle of the block and walk across the street to deliver. Inside, two receptionists are annoying me with their eyeglasses, of all things, so I go up and down the elevator to kill time for my customer to emerge. (Note: this would never happen IRL.)

 

Giving up on the customer, I go outside to find my truck gone—apparently I was inside for two hours and got towed. Oh, well, at least I can still make one more delivery on Loop Street...which turns out to be on the roof of the building I was just in. Lucky me.

 

 

Uh...Could I Get A Boost? (October 17, 2014)

 

I'm playing baseball. A.J. Pierzynski is our manager, and we are using tennis balls. One is hit over the three-foot fence, and my broken-down butt is having all sorts of difficulty climbing over it. End vision.

 

 

I'll Be Here All Weekend! (October 16, 2014)

 

Half the night was dedicated to another General Hospital dream sequence, but the other half was actually interesting. I'm in some sort of college classroom, where my assignment is to re-create the original Beverly Hills, 90210 opening sequence using all of my own friends. 

 

Seated in front of me is the IRL cousin of Alex; she turns and asks me a long question at about 97 MPH. I can only understand maybe 25% of what she's saying. When she finally pauses, I say: "I didn't understand a word you said." She explodes in laughter—tears, coughs, the works. It's the funniest thing she's ever heard! Fine by me; I use her recovery time to continue working.

 

 

TMI (October 15, 2014)

 

I'm the roommate of a young Indian couple; the husband is working late while the wife busies herself around the cluttered house. She comes across a little green rubber doll—which apparently is a sex toy of the husband's. She grills me about it; I urge her to not make too much of it. She lets it go; I turn on Scrubs, all the while semi-hoping the hubby somehow vanishes on the way home to spare me the awkwardness.

 

 

What Year Is This? (October 14, 2014)

 

I'm in the public crapper somewhere, dropping a deuce. A couple of idiot teen boys decide to prank me by busting the stall open—somehow I'm expecting it, and frighten the shit out of them with an angry face and sprinter's stance (even with pants still down.) Following a fantasy NBA draft with my cousin where only 10 NBA rosters are being used (?), I find myself watching a 2014 MLB game—with Barry Bonds, Will Clark and Jose Canseco all out of retirement and playing as if time stopped in 1999.

 

Afterward, I'm angry because an undetermined relative is hugging me and refusing to let go of their grasp. I'm just surprised they got their arms all the way around.

 

 

I'll Drive Next Time (October 13, 2014)

 

Taking the train today, a mystery train that goes over the Carquinez Strait and between the two bridges into the 707. While I ride, a movie plays where a girl from a Heald College commercial is invited to make out by her boyfriend's mom. With other people around, I'm unable to "enjoy" the following scene. 

 

After deboarding, a crowd (presumably to catch the train) waits; an idiot on a bike plows by recklessly, nearly hitting someone. I call him "SCUMBAG" but as I do I lock eyes with a black couple who clearly wouldn't stand for name-calling. I gesture who the "scumbag" was directed at, and they give me the "it's cool" signal. All is well.

 

 

Did I Pay To Watch This? (October 12, 2014)

 

I'm in a high school gym, seated in the crowd. The performance? A guy hitting "foul" balls from the base of the bleachers. Every fourth one comes to me; some even hit me. Fortunately these non-regulation balls aren't deadly—I can't even compare them to an actual ball of any kind—and I make all the plays.

Skip twice—first to the 1250 (where my family is peeking over my shoulder at the internet porn I'm viewing) then to Taco Bell (where I'm trying to get a receipt but the manager is distracted by a woman who won't leave the bathroom.)

 

 

"Thanks For Watching My Kid...You?" (October 11, 2014)

 

After watching a Martin Lawrence/Tim Allen "sequel" (must have been to Wild Hogs), I leave my kid with a sitter whose name I can't remember. Next thing I know, I'm in Target and my friend Monica is sticking up for me to the sitter; why this is needed is not explained. Finally, I find myself in an episode of the old soap One Life To Live, where two characters are trying to revive their dead/dying elderly father with a bullhorn.

 

 

Flying Hula Dancers? (October 9, 2014)

 

First, I'm driving to my ex's place, which I cannot find the entrance to though I've been there dozens of times. I deliver two massive empty boxes to her for some reason, and move on. Next, I'm lying in bed at the 1250 when a pack of hula dancers enter thru my window—which is on the 2nd floor. They're doing what they do; I'm trying to get them out since I'm naked under my cover. They finally move on to other rooms, and my grandma proudly announces, "Joseph, them dancers are here!" as if I'd ordered them.

 

Next thing I know, I'm out of bed, conversing with Jose Canseco in our living room. He's a pal, apparently, and I tease him about being in the news long after he's retired. We laugh, all is well. Finally, I'm watching a video I posted on YouTube when I notice I spelled the word "voluntary" as "volunteery". I try to change it and can't get it right, so I opt to post a comment asking to excuse my spelling. But I can't spell "spelling" properly, either—no matter what I do or how slowly I type, it is wrong. I give up, and soon wake up.

 

 

"Mark Taylor, You STOP That!" (October 8, 2014)

 

I can't make up this stuff. I arrive home to find the adult Taran Noah Smith (aka the youngest son from Home Improvement) on my bed, looking at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trading cards. Again, I can't make this stuff up. Eventually he starts coming on to me. I explain to him it's not gonna happen and escort him out—where I witness a dog jumping thru a window above the door of my neighbor's house across the street.

 

Needing a walk, I head toward Alex' house but when I get there I realize I've literally walked out of my shoes without noticing. So I turn around and retrieve them several blocks back, never seeing Alex. Skip to The A-Team, where Amy is going to move in with Murdock until she discovers he lives in a thoroughly slummy, infested motel room. Murdock: "I understand if you want to decline (moving in)." Amy: "I want to decline."

End vision That's the kind of bizarre I had in mind when I created this page.

 

 

Kevin Eubanks, Co-Host (October 7, 2014)

 

Mostly General Hospital again. But there was a segment where the Minnesota Timberwolves powered their way into the NBA Finals somehow (if you're not an NBA fan, just know this isn't very likely anytime soon) as well as a Headlines segment from The Tonight Show. Jay even walks over to the old bandleader Kevin and directs him to the guest couch.

 

Kevin obliges, though he brings his sax along and tries to tell jokes that aren't all that funny or well-timed. Still nice to see them both.

 

 

Uhh...Something's Wrong With This Road (October 6, 2014)

 

There I am in the 707, more specifically near Loma Vista farm. I'm waiting for a ride, but this may be difficult since both roads of the L-intersection I'm at are one-way in opposite directions. The only legal way for a car to reach me would be to drop from the sky.

 

So I head up an elevated sidewalk, avoiding a lost woman with a stroller, and the next thing I know I'm back at the damn 1250. Playing basketball in—not outside of—the garage since my grandma won't share the TV, I'm forced to stay up all night waiting for my mom to call. Why I couldn't just sleep near the phone, or why she even needs to call, is not explained. (I sure coulda used a basketball hoop in my garage as a kid. Oh, well.)

 

 

I Buy Figurines Now? (October 5, 2014)

 

I'm at work. Arriving for a pickup, I find no customer and leave my truck unattended to find him/her. When I do, he scrambles to hand-write a shipping label to affix to his box (a big no-no IRL; we can't scan that!) For some reason I accept it, only then realizing my truck is unattended with the keys inside—another big no-no for obvious reasons.

 

When I return, two hens (of the human variety) are present in my truck. They're my "trainers", and they talk too much. Ugh...

 

Skip to a 408 house where I'm about to purchase...figurines? After the transaction, I find my car gone—it's been towed cuz of a missing license plate. I call the tow company, but the rep won't tell me anything unless I prove I'm the owner. "Will a picture of me with the car do?" He says yes, and within seconds I'm 70 miles away at the 1250. Why can't it be that easy for real? I'd have saved so much fuel money. (Only after I awaken does it hit me: I could have just identified the trunk contents to the tow rep. Oh, well.)

 

 

Inappropriateness (October 4, 2014)

 

Not proud, but in tonight's vision I was smooching the girlfriend of an IRL friend—only semi-innocently. Note that I've never carried such ambitions IRL, and even if I did would never act on them. At least not with a friend I respect, which this guy is.

 

Later, I find myself playing lite rock on a toy keyboard—specifically "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison and "On The Wings of Love" by Jeffrey Osborne. I had no clue what I was doing, but the music came out flawlessly. Yay me.

 

 

The Skateboard Gurney (October 3, 2014)

 

Ugh, the 1250. I'm in its' bathroom throwing away Josie's toys. How they got there is an unsolved mystery. I'm sure in some families toys are stored in the john. Don't judge.

 

Skip to a hospital where I'm about to be gassed for surgery. One of my (male) nurses is a paraplegic, but instead of a wheelchair, he gets around via lying on his back atop some half-skateboard, half-gurney contraption. I can't imagine it's easy opening doors that way, but whatever.

 

 

Stir Crazy 2: (October 2, 2014)

 

Ian Ziering is prepared to duke it out in an open parking lot unoccupied by any other human being (or shark). I bypass him into a liquor store, whose clerk is enraptured with my old-school $20 bill. For some reason I allow him to see it, but he actually does return it post-inspection.

 

Following this, I am in an MLB playoff game. Ozzie Smith and I each hit pregame homers, but before we can start the game I'm trying to escape some high-rise with Richard Pryor. We manage to make our way to the IT department and commandeer their elevator to safety. Pryor and I split up, I hop in a taxi, and the dream ends. Maybe we were trying to outrun the effects of aging?

 

 

A Ball To The Ass (October 1, 2014)

 

I'm watching a baseball game from a picnic table—which is strangely positioned in shallow center field with a tree just a few feet over. Giants pitcher Tim Hudson hits a popup into the tree; it falls out and hits me in the ass, to everyone's amusement. He gets another shot and hits it in almost the same spot...but no fielder pursues it, and Huddy motors around all four bases.

 

There were more disjointed scenes, such as Victor from The Young & The Restless making out with his adult son, but the ball off my ass stole the spotlight.

 

 

Return To Top