The Skillz Report

 

Gloves Of Steel (February 28, 2015)

 

I'm trying to talk to a landlord about an apartment for my mom, but he's increasingly suspicious that I'm looking for myself. (Even if I was...so what? What's wrong with me as a tenant? Not all fatsos are unemployed and lazy!)

 

Next, I'm playing first base and drop three balls hit/thrown my way. Angry, I go to burn my glove...but it won't burn. Oh, well. At least I didn't drop the lighter.

 

 

Menopause Can Wait! (February 27, 2015)

 

Out at a restaurant with Josie, three small girls are riding backward on some indoor "fish" ride. They crash, then exit, chirping "They let me ride the ride" in a special needs voice. I offer to take their pic for their parents, who happen to be Sam and Diane from Cheers.

 

Skip to me being asked to pick up my aunt/uncle from San Francisco because their car has been towed. I get them...and a third person, a woman who won't turn around because she thinks I'm upset over being "put out" for transporting her. At least that's what she said. Could be she was just ugly.

 

 

Barry Always COULD Focus Well...(February 26, 2015)

 

This is one of those non-sequitur nights. First, my (fictional) girlfriend is washing dishes...for an hour. Next, FedEx drops off pallet upon pallet of...meat. (Yum) Finally, the 2002 Giants are honored, but when Barry Bonds and Benito Santiago are called on stage, they're not given an award, they're not asked to speak—they're asked to film the rest of the ongoings.

 

 

Was I Still In My Tux? (February 25, 2015)

 

I am prepping to give Chicken's wedding speech. I'm feeling so confident, my thinning hair has even grown back in! But before the wedding can happen, I'm auditioning for Friends and sending a professional head shot in the mail. It's not even clear what, if any, part I'm auditioning for. So basically I'm hoping they see my photo and decide to cast me as someone. Joey's long lost black son, perhaps?

 

 

Throwing 'Em Over The Plate...And Bowl...And Saucer...(February 24, 2015)

 

I'm San Francisco Giant Madison Bumgarner, and I am dealing...in my aunt's kitchen. Eventually no one wants to get their ass kicked anymore. Can't blame them—the "mound" was only about 15 feet away.

 

Finding my way to Subway, I get in line behind a "special" child—which compels his mom to apologize to me. (It'll be tough, but I'm sure I'll get over it.) At the counter, I pick up a "Tross" sandwich for Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis—who just happens to be hanging out at my aunt's. What luck!

 

 

This Guy's Onto Something! (February 23, 2015)

 

Out driving, I wind up at a dead end...in the middle of nowhere...in wide open space (farmland and blue sky for miles). Officially freaked out. If you don't know, this is one of my few fears IRL. I'd start to hyperventilate.

 

Next, I'm playing football with Samoans. One instructs me to put my belongings in my own room for their safekeeping. Brilliant!

 

 

You Could Have Just Said "Beat It" (February 22, 2015)

 

My baseball league is building a new field; the park is too full to play at so I go to McDonald's. The place is crazy-crowded with kids (how many frikkin' kids are in this area?!) but in the time it takes to walk to McD's and back, the field has been completed and my teammates have started without me. Jerks.

 

My late grandma has procured a huge stack of board games. We play a few but I get fed up and quit after Chinese Checkers proves too stupid. As I exit, I encounter cats leaping across the room trying to see through an opening above the door. They all hurt their legs and regret it. Perhaps they should've played checkers.

 

 

 

FYI, Marla Was A Dude (February 20, 2015)

 

There is a gas leak in some room; a sexy, decked-out cougar is ticked we didn't line up single-file. I tell her off as well as some bald co-supervisor. Next thing I know I'm ringside at the Mayweather/"Marla" fight. Both end up bloody and knocked out with Marla as Floyd's pillow. For some reason, I must test their brains with questions...such as "Who is Todd Helton?" (a retired MLB star)

 

 

Go Then! Who Needs You Anyway? (February 19, 2015)

 

My uncle William returns from the dead, doesn't like what he sees and dies again. I'm not sure whether or not to be offended; clearly he didn't miss me as much as I him.

 

 

I WAS Fine Back Then (February 18, 2015)

 

My Wii remote is stored in our fishtank...and still works. Play is interrupted when I learn of a "Mary Grand" stalking me; she sent a note to my old Sunnyvale address which reveals she's been obsessed with me since junior high 20 years ago. Dammit—she could have done my homework for me!

 

 

Well, Funerals ARE Expensive! (February 17, 2015)

 

Three segments:

• Legendary MLB reliever Dennis Eckersley gets the first out of the inning...and backflips all the way from first base to the RF wall.

• I take a tour of "top" farms. Corpses are strewn everywhere. 

• I'm struggling at a Mario game as Princess Peach due to a misplaced power-up (?) when my family suddenly materializes from nowhere with Thanksgiving dinner.

 

 

So Much For Hopscotch (February 16, 2015)

 

According to notes I jotted down upon waking, my train is delayed, so other stranded riders join me for four-corner football toss (not unlike 4-Square, except no bouncing). The game ends suddenly when the riders decided to sing choir instead.

 

 

Bleacherball! (February 15, 2015)

 

I score a "basket" that gets stuck in the seats and is pushed thru to the ground by an opponent; we all argue about the points counting. This is followed by my doing diaper deliveries and finding a customer somehow left a can of Shout! in the back of my truck. A search ensues. (I've never used Shout! in my life...no clue what triggered that)

 

Lastly, my cousin Lando calls, but I miss the important part because my grandma interferes with the phone. And I can't return his call because the line is tied up by a collect call from prison. Well, at least I'm popular.

 

 

 

THAT'LL SHOW HIM!! (February 12, 2015)

 

In prison, an inmate slowly inches closer and closer to me in a mission for sex, until I stop him. Next, some other dude is cheating me in some board game...and ignores my complaints. So when we go in the middle of the road by my high school to play basketball...I bump his chest!!!

 

 

 

Maybe I Bought Jello And A Clock? (February 11, 2015)

 

I'm visiting my mom's place, and start cleaning the house naked when I stumble upon a guest she is hosting. Hello there.

 

Later, I'm needing claim tickets/receipts for returns at an unspecified store. Each one has a new description (presumably of me) on it, such as "unstable", "cuckoo", etc. 

 

 

 

People On Fire, Running For Their Lives? Hi-Larious! (February 10, 2015)

 

I have a new delivery job, which consists of me doing about 13 stops going inside customers' homes—including that of Luke and Tracy from General Hospital. At one point, my ex and I are walking to work after the birth of our child. Our conversation consists of complaints about (Golden State Warrior) Andre Iguodala committing breakaway fouls. We then watch a "comedy" film about a plane crash.

 

 

 

DO NOT Steal A Felon's Teddy Bear! (February 9, 2015)

 

Things begin in my old room at—where else?—the 1250. I'm assisting a shyster during some infomercial, tasked with distributing literature and mints to the audience. But somehow I screw this up and the next thing I know, I'm back at high school waiting for my class photo to be taken. (For me, that IS a punishment.) Of course, I ditch this and make my way back to the 1250.

 

Cleaning up, I unearth a teddy bear with the names of beaten Giants fan Brian Stow's attackers on the tag. ??? In closing, Pat Sajak makes yet another cameo in my subconscious. This time a 70ish Wheel Of Fortune contestant wins, prompting Sajak to make out with her right then and there. WTH is triggering these depraved Pat Sajak appearances? Next, he'll be naked with Vanna on top of the wheel. 

 

 

 

No (Singing) Talents To Take Anywhere, Apparently (February 8, 2015)

 

Of all people, LeBron James has chosen yours truly to do conditioning drills with him in the gym. Then he hears me singing along to a sappy 80's song and terminates the session immediately. Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.

 

Next, my mom wants me to take her to a drive-thru donut place. I'm irritable over A) the small lane, B) being stuck in between her and the cashier talking, and C) not getting any napkins with our order, forcing us to wait extra time to ask for them. When it turns out the napkins were in the bag all along, I flip and start driving us to parts unknown.

 

Lastly—and unexplainedly alone—I am about to exit my car in a baseball uniform when I notice the pants have completely ripped in half longways as if they were struck by lightning. Refusing to tie any clothes around my waist (too feminine), I instead walk into this public building with a towel around my waist...and the shredded pants still hanging off me.

 

Inside the building is my underwear drawer, apparently. This drawer has one pair of boxers and about a dozen of my late grandma's bras. This will mark the last time I have Corona IRL for a long time.

 

 

 

They COULD Have Been Insulting Him...(February 7, 2015)

 

My daughter has been cloned in someone's minivan, but that's unimportant—fiormer Atlanta Braves stars John Smoltz and Dave Justice are guesting on Modern Family, giving ex-manager Bobby Cox a long, emotional speech. What about, who knows, but Cox is in tears upon conclusion. Lastly, a "serious" Simpsons airs, with Milhouse apparently needing life-threatening dental work. He'd better get a lolly afterward, that's all I gotta say.

 

 

 

Worst Yard Sale Ever (February 6, 2015)

 

Martin and Gina from the old show Martin are arguing about some old possession—Martin presses to get it back, but Gina firmly stands her ground and walks off. Martin tries to carry four full bags of food through a park to his house without "littering", but when a can falls out an officer materializes from nowhere and gives him a ticket.

 

Unhappy with Martin's predicament, the neighborhood turns some important attack dog loose on the street, then everyone—including yours truly—hops an eight-foot chain link fence for safety. (Why we didn't just go back inside our homes remains unanswered.) The plan works to perfection when the same officer pepper sprays the dog and is fired—voiding Martin's ticket!

 

I take an IRL afternoon nap; this dream has me at a yard sale. I'm interested in a football, gym bag and toy ABC blocks for the kid. Somehow the football is dropped all the way across the yard, fielded by a relative of the homeowner, and taken with her to work. I'm told I can come back at 2am to pick the ball up! I'm like, NO. "You wanted the ashtrays?" says the homeowner. Me: No, just the bag and blocks.

 

"Don't you wanna buy some plants?" Plants? If you know me, you know what I do next—sayonara.

 

 

 

Pat Sajak The Perv (February 5, 2015)

 

At first, I'm playing a board game version of Wheel of Fortune...but with Scrabble tiles. Somehow, with no one else playing and me having been the one to set up the puzzle, I still don't know the answer. 

All of a sudden, I'm watching the show on TV instead—a 30-ish woman wins, and Pat Sajak goes to her for the congratulatory chit-chat, etc. As they go to commercial, Sajak begins kissing all over her cleavage and bare shoulders. She seems starstruck and doesn't mind a man twice her age molesting her one bit. (Of course, it doesn't hurt that Sajak still looks about 40.)

 

Next, I'm courtside at a Warriors game, with star Stephen Curry getting manhandled by two defenders as he attempts to navigate them. The ball squirts loose and all three hit the floor after it—despite further physical punishment, Steph comes up with it. I'm so wowed by his effort that I forget where I am and run on the court to pat him on the back! He's slightly freaked out, but since the game is seconds from ending I am not ejected.

 

Instead, I apologetically assure a staffer that I'll never come to a game again. Somehow, Curry and I cross paths off the court, where I explain myself and sincerely apologize to him as well. He quickly accepts and we spend the next 15 minutes walking around talking hoops. The problem is—I didn't want to; I twice tried to split but Steph just kept talking. Finally, when a crowd of autograph seekers surround him, I'm able to sneak off. There go my free tickets.

 

 

 

Maybe A Jellyfish Stung Me? (February 3, 2015)

 

The vision begins with me at the 1250, peeing all over myself for no reason and trying to pass the odor off as a fart. In response, I'm ordered to get a job right then and there (even though it's fairly late at night.) So off I go...only things shift to daytime and celebrated MLB pitcher—not NBA Hall-of-Famer—Moses Malone. Apparently Malone is a six-time 20-game winner, white, and resembles Tom Verducci. I want his All-Star Game spot but lose out when I can't outrun his car. ???

 

Stranded in south San Jose, I encounter the A-Team, who takes a job stopping an abusive father to an adult daughter. No elaborate plan is needed, no weapons constructed from scrap are needed—they simply find the degenerate, knock him off his horse and beat him up. B.A. goes on to gripe about all the "wheelbarrow" jobs they've had lately. I'm not about to question his choice of adjective.

 

(Note: the pee segment was so real that upon awakening, I was seriously worried about...you know. But all turned out to be good, and my 32-year streak remains intact.)

 

 

34 Years Of LIES!!! (February 2, 2015)

 

Continuing yesterday's theme, I'm in CVS searching for a porn of Bud and Kelly from Married With Children making out. Instead I get the series finale with the entire cast taking a bow. Including Richard Moll from Night Court. Interloper.

 

Later, at some random place, my mom confesses that Buckwheat has died (IRL, this happened when I was six months old, BTW.) David Letterman honors him by having some dude sing one of "his" songs, reading off his hand the whole time. Next thing I know, Josie, myself and three others are shot in a robbery in some two-story saloon-type structure.

Another victim and myself head downstairs and stop the shooter with an axe and bat; only one upstairs guy dies. The guy happened to be a homosexual A's fan and KTVU sportscaster Joe Fonzi gives a tearful tribute on the news. That night, my mom, nonexistant girlfriend and I share a bowl of ice cream. 

 

I woke up to what I thought was a severed woman's head in my daughter's bed—turns out it was just my kid's upright stuffed gorilla under the moonlight. For the next minute, my heart sounded like fists on a punching bag.

 

 

 

Boy, Look In Your Porno Drawer! (February 1, 2015)

 

I've been tasked with "re-enacting a famous World Series moment" with octogenarian ex-Giants manager Roger Craig. (Limping around the bases a la Kirk Gibson is doable...not much else.)

 

Next, Josie is standing around some hotel loading zone with an empty Sunny D bottle she plans to keep. The bellhop/valet actually tries to take it from her until I step in and order him to "mind his own damn business". In my car, I prepare to leave when other random kids needing rides keep jumping in my car—I evict them all (one dad does show up).

 

Back at home, my uncle is overly concerned about some stolen money and has me search thru a tall, plastic set of categorized drawers I now own for my sports and porn collections. The best part: I'm not even trying to conceal this! (Note: IRL, I've bought exactly two adult magazines. Which were ineffective. Sorry if that's TMI.)

 

 

 

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