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Night Visions, December 2018

 

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Doesn't That Just "Bug" Ya? (December 17, 2018)

 

My mother makes me write a list of 25 co-workers and their weights.

 

Skip to the bedroom of Moesha's parents; while Mom sleeps, Dad wants to sneak in an airhead Robin Givens for some nooky right in front of her. Realizing this will end poorly, I simply hide.

 

Next, I skip class, pissing off the teacher. Not wanting to be seen and further rebuked, I slither outside the building...and hear a free shoes giveaway I missed out on by cutting. At least some good comes from it when I reach the hoop courts and a trash can with roaches falls on some brat.

 

Things end with me smooching (the actress) Brett Butler in an attempt to mute her oncoming military rant.

At Least Keep 'Em Hidden (December 8-9, 2018)

 

My uncle wants a ride to Santa Clara, and I suspect it's to pick up drugs. I mirror-rehearse my warning speech to him, but despite my seriousness, my face keeps making silly expressions/contortions as I talk that he'd never take seriously, so I just decide to go get the damn drugs. Then I bump into "old pal" Ian Ziering, who seems glad to see me but then walks over to his mechanic for a conversation that doesn't include me.

 

 

Come On, YOU Wonder Too (December 7, 2018)

 

Just a bunch of strange individual moments: Scooby-Doo wonders if Fred's ever seen Daphne naked. Charlize Theron scores a hoop in nightwear, My mom wrestles and bites me for the remote control. A woman in a teddy staggers into a bar; she was stood up by some dude. He calls, trying to blame her, until some dude "Lee" takes the phone and intimidates him. 

Lee then visits my mom and while waiting for her to powder her nose, he blocks her bedroom door with her bed...and climbs in, of course. Ew.

My uncle and I toss socks into a flowerpot he thought contained poop instead of dirt, but never actually bothered checking.

The Tune Was Very "Charming" (December 6, 2018)

 

I'm driving an ambulance and accidentally run a red light, so I must light the siren and pretend it's an emergency (even though no cops are around). I arrive at the ER where my new left arm burn is treated by a grossly incompetent nurse (doesn't use gloves, takes instructions over the phone).

 

Next, I'm using Alex's cell phone and its 8-volt batteries die. I sit with her and her friend Diana trying to charge them when a dude walks past, wavering back and forth on buying me new batteries until finally leaving frustrated that I didn't help him choose.

Finally, I find two loose wires to charge the batteries; it makes a high-pitch screech which Diana decides to use as her talking voice.

 

Lastly, I try and fail to find a catchy INV Alyssa Milano pop song that played in passing.

 

 

 

SF Giants, Emphasis On F (December 3, 2018)

 

I'm a "sports student", and Greg Papa is my professor. My assignment: submit a mock MLB lineup. I choose the 2011 Giants with Miguel Tejada batting second; Papa questions why. "Cuz he's lighting it up in my video game!" Instant "F" from my scowling professor.

 

Dismissed from class, Papa (while still displeased) waits for me to pack and load up all my stuff (?) from his classroom. Including dirty laundry (again, ?). The laundry won't fit so I just leave it outside rather than have to face Papa after today.

 

 

 

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I Also Hit On 19 (December 10, 2018)

 

Terry Bradshaw, being interviewed, says "I haven't had an easy day at work since 1977." Presumably, he's trying to illustrate how tough broadcasting is, even though in 1977 he was still playing for the Steelers.

 

Next, while changing clothes, I drop a towel in a used public toilet and decide to just flush it rather than sift it out...bad idea, Only after I watch my clothes drenched in overflowed waste do I realize there was an Option 3: DO NOTHING.

 

Lastly, I follow Kawhi Leonard to his car; he asks me to freestyle and I agree...but not one of his dozens of custom CD's has an instrumental beat.

Was It Cashmere With A Red Dot? (December 16, 2018)

 

This was just a night of weird randomness:

  • I drive a woman and child to the intersection of Virginia and "Adios" Streets,

  • I'm told a story of parents finding their son dead "He wasn't blue, he was stiff."

  • A bad NFL ankle injury is replayed four times as I hide my eyes, I tell The Young And The Restless legend Eric Braeden I will not watch the show once he retires" though I reconsider after a scene with two cuties making out,

  • A Seinfeld courtroom episode with Estelle wanting to be moved away from a juror who's wearing a similar blue sweater, and George declaring he's wearing dirty socks "for the people, Jerry!"

  • Elsewhere, Kramer clotheslines himself on Jerry's chain latch and falls,

  • I verbally attack my grandma to her daughter (my aunt) for no real reason, and

  • I roam a high school campus in search of a notebook left there in the 1990's.

The Verdict: "Hung" Jury (December 13, 2018)

 

After carrying a chair through school hallways for no reason, I reach the office—it's the last day of school, so I do what any normal HS student would do and fervently kiss the raised bare legs of a cute staffer. She responds...with smooches. If only real life worked this way...

 

Skip to a judge show with CSI's Paul Guifoyle with a belt around his neck and a Samoan mom and teen daughter slapping each other on-set. Next, I'm buying a used car from a private seller. I pull up next to Robin Williams in his car, but quickly move away in case Williams commits suicide again.

 

The owner and I go on a test drive, during which the car becomes an RC copter that crashes so hard, trees bounce in the distance. In response, the owner captures the A-Team and his lackey (actor Sam Anderson), realizing the absurdity of the situation, allows Face to work on escaping—but not before Murdock reveals "I used to be an arm."

 

After the team shoots up the garage for no reason, they steal tuxes from a closet and slip out during a posh party. We end with a competitive NBA All-Star game with Jerry Stackhouse coming very close to socking a mouthy fan until I intervene.

Two Guys Who Should Probably Disappear (December 22, 2018)

 

I'm at our local Food Maxx, browsing thru items near two female workers. The girls are discussing a troublemaking co-worker who happens to share my real first name. 

 

ME: Huh? You guys talkin' to me?

(Crickets)

ME: Cuz that's my name, too.

(Crickets)

ME: I'm so CONFUSED right now!

(Crickets)

 

I solemnly slink away, knowing my days of shopping at that store have ended, at least until those girls quit.

 

Next, a beach wedding is underway; the bride's family is extremely opposed to it because of differing religions, and tries everything to stop it. They even resort to boycotting, but the bride is determined to see her nuptials through. Finally, when nothing else has worked, her family sends in two monstrous bugs to stop the wedding...sadly, I awaken before any resolution.

 

 

Dear Mama...That's Nasty (December 18, 2018)

 

Things begin with my mom and soap acter Jerry Ver Dorn as a couple, slow dancing in her home. They're patiently waiting for my grandma to die so they can consummate their union, and she finally does. But just as they head off, Ver Dorn mentions that Bill Cosby is going to become a lawyer in prison—Mama throws him out on the spot, as if he had something to do with it. Meanwhile, I'm present, eating two massive pieces of BBQ and enjoying the show...troubling as it may be.

 

Skip to me cuddling with an IRL buddy I'll leave unnamed, trying to come up with a freestyle to the beat of Tupac's "How Do You Want It". We later head downstairs with Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World, where we all agree the cuddling was "no homo". I exit and catch a bus with soap actress Melissa Ordway, who's nice enough to hold my soup bowl while I set out the trash.

 

On the bus, the conversation turns to cows swimming in the sea to have babies; I quote another of Tupac's songs. A Tupac doppleganger says "Man, Tupac gon' come down here and smack you" apparently for blasphemy. I rattle off a list of 'pac's top hits proving that I am indeed familiar with his music, and the dude playfully stabs me in the chest with a pen...which SERIOUSLY freaks Josie out. (And me, since I didn't know she was on the bus.)

She's Got The (Wet) Dirt On Me (December 28, 2018)

 

I meet soap actress Florencia Lozano on the sidewalk and quickly inform her I'm no creep. She lets her guard down, but then all I can do is babble and she leaves.

 

Next, I'm walking up the road when a weird bike woman asks who's home. Me: "Does it matter?" She then reads off my roommate's names but before I can learn her intentions she crashes into a wall of mud. Then I must deal with some nosy little boy on a different bike who, sadly, does not crash. 

 

I continue walking, now with a shopping cart. At the next crosswalk, a man in front of me simply commandeers it. This is followed by a strange scene of me and about a dozen others given a tour of a fluorescent green, high-tech, laser-driven security chamber that no normal person would ever need.

Next, a rhyming southerner promises me an audition for MLB.com , but I don't trust him because he sounds like the evil Lotso from Toy Story 3.

Lastly, I meet with the cast of One Life To Live, all in character. Bo wants me to arrange "birthday party" evidence for his brother Clint, to explain away why he's spending so much time with Clint's lady Nora.

 

As part of the plan, Bo flies Nora and I to the East Coast in an oversized RC copter; "my" African son tags along. We get a call from a suspicious-sounding Clint...who instead is moved by the upcoming party. I'm an ass.

 

(Note: that last part was more interesting in my head than on print.)

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