The Skillz Report

 

He Really DOES Make Her Sick (July 29, 2016)

 

The ex and I are cozied up, watching Judge Judy. The case: a man is suing his short, obese lawyer—she's jittery, talks too fast, and gives every appearance of being on crack. Early on, Judy accidentally repeats a date as May 5, 3014, which for some reason leaves me in hysterics but doesn't amuse my ex in the slightest (night visions can mirror real life every once in a while.)

 

The case requires witness testimony, which leads Michael Weatherly (DiNozzo of NCIS) to interview a terrified bistro waitress...who projectile-pukes on him. Weatherly changes his shirt and, minutes later, sits down to re-attempt questioning—and barely avoids being puked on a second time.

Though she's wearing some of her own barf now, Weatherly starts to lean in to comfort the crying waitress. Unable to bear watching him stain another shirt, I turn away.

 

 

Hey, Man, Try Not To "Flip" (July 28, 2016)

 

This vision starts out fuzzy, but I remember the end clearly—I've wandered into some outdoor lobby, flanked by eight doors and, in the center, a large marble bath that doubles as a toilet. Which is good, because I have to pee.

 

No one is around anywhere at all...so I let loose. Somehow, my wallet, keys and a book (?) fall from my pockets into the drain, but I'm able to rescue them all in time. As I finish, a rap mogul and his lady have drifted into the area—as the lady sits atop a short wall, the "mogul" (a skinny Nick Cannon-type) complains that pancakes I made earlier "gave him a tummyache". No issue with the urinating, though.

 

 

Now I'll NEVER Know Who Plays Rachel! (July 27, 2016)

 

I'm angry at my mom for some silly reason, and aim to drive away in her car. But since I don't have keys to it, I instead hide on the set of some 1950's style variety show. (Yeah, THAT'LL show her!) On this set, I wind up in a bed as Friends starts to play on TV; twice I try to turn/lift my head in time to catch the credits...twice I fail. Why I want to see them at all is anyone's guess.

 

Skip to me high above an alley, watching a black couple refuse to allow their tween daughter to give up hockey as the 1995 song "Missing" by Everything But The Girl plays...remember, I just report the visions, not explain.

 

 

Can You Check AND Chat, Sir? (July 25, 2016 Nap)

 

I'm waiting at a red left-turn light, but the Mustang in front is driven by an idiot who doesn't understand that the green arrow is just burnt out and it's our turn to go. Instead, the Mustang decides to merge into the full straight lane...blocking me from making my turn. At the last moment, just as the yellow arrow appears, I am able to wriggle around the Mustang and turn. 

Before I can yell to the occupants, one yells to me "We gang members", as if to explain their actions. My yell: nixed.

 

Arriving at a small store, I'm browsing around while a Padres-Cardinals game is on an elevated TV. A Padre touches first base a full second before the throw comes...yet is called out, leading to replay review. A customer hears all of this and asks an employee to explain everything to him; why he won't just turn around and watch the replay on the TV 10 feet behind him irrationally bugs me, and drives me to leave the store prematurely, with only half the stuff I need.

 

Longtime MLB star Nick Swisher is the clerk, but as IRL, he's a chatterbox, and he's SLOW completing my transaction. By then I've calmed and go back for those last few items, not waiting for Swisher to shut up this time and ringing them up myself.

 

Now it's time to make cake!...except the cream I'm supposed to use has been stored on top of the fridge and expired in early 2015.

 

 

Scheduled Schizophrenia (July 25, 2016)

 

At the outset, I'm out to dinner with OLTL character Bo Buchanan—he's troubled by the fact my friend's son has a "disorder", reacting as if he's facing euthanization.

 

This is followed by Michael Bolton singing "When A Man Loves A Woman" on stage at a library (?). I'm on a laptop singing along until I realize there is adult content visible on my screen...oops. As Bolton was my grandma's favorite singer, I plan to obtain a signed photo "for" her, but am confused over whose photo it should be: his or hers?

 

Lastly, it's 3:00 pm or so, yet darkness has enveloped the woman's house I'm visiting (with two others). She gently hints we need to leave by 4pm; as we prep to do so, we learn that her adult son is due to have a schizophrenic episode at 4pm—she's even got polished wood bats on standby in anticipation. We suggest staying, you know, so she's not on her own against an angry, violent man but instead...they agree to postpone the episode until the next day. 

 

I'm fairly sure that's not how any of that works.

 

 

Would Have Felt So Gill-ty (July 24, 2016)

 

My buddy and his INV mistress are living at the 1250. For some reason I'm there, and choose to "help" them by cleaning under the furniture. But I somehow don't notice the fishtank sitting on a shelf, so when I tilt the shelf, the tank leans precariously against the wall...but miraculously doesn't fall off. The whole time this is happening, "Higher" by Taio Cruz is playing on endless loop...ironic.

 

Next, my aunt's living room now has "lanes", and a supposed professional has hung nets on posts along said lanes. They're mostly shoddy, and I work to repair them.

There's nothing particularly interesting about tonight's visions....I reported them just to lillustrate how freaking nonsensical and bizarre my subconscious is.

 

 

Come On, Eileen! (July 22, 2016)

 

I work in some office with a former IRL colleague, "Eileen". Eileen was trashy and crass IRL, but here she's polished and dressed kind of sexy (by my standards). She's also down over relationship issues, which I try to exploit to my sexual advantage. But the farthest I get is a bra-strap pat while hugging.

(Disclaimer for my female friends: I would not do that IRL. Don't ostracize me, please.)

 

Next, I waste far too much time sitting around trying (and failing) to come up with a clever fictional character comparison for my friend Lynn...she ultimately proves too unique.

 

Lastly, at the 1250, I'm hosting a show meant to help Vivica Fox, Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams and Lela Rochon find men. One candidate does magic for Fox and is both charming and smart—she agrees to give him a chance, all the while sniping at me and my intelligence. But she does help my aunt with the dishes, so she's not all bad.

 

 

A True Splash Home Run (July 20, 2016)

 

I'm naked radio host Arnie States, and I'm in bed, on top of naked radio co-host Dawn Rossi. It's businesslike; neither of us is particularly revved up, and we carry on a dialogue as if being filmed for a documentary. After a while of this, things skip to the home of IRL bud Luke for a game of baseball.

 

It's buddies Luke, Paul and I vs. soap star Dominic Zaprogna and a couple others playing "baseball" in a bedroom; we fall behind 8-2 after one inning. Zaprogna leads off the second by...heaving a bucket of water over the "fence" and against the bedroom wall, which apparently counts as a home run. Now down 9-2, I'm not disappointed when the game fizzles out.

 

I spend the remainder of tonight's vision trying to make sense of Luke's toilets, which are really tin canisters suspended from twine posts.

 

 

Just Use A Scale, Sir (July 17, 2016)

 

Not much here, just a senior bothering me about a "half-pound" loaf of bread mixed with Rickey Henderson active in baseball and pursuing his 300th home run...at age 57 (likely stemming from me learning IRL that 52-year-old Jose Canseco is returning to pro baseball in my area.)

 

 

 

More Like Wheelbuses (July 16, 2016)

 

I am in Vallejo, CA, to pick up the mother of Warriors star Klay Thompson (who I'm fairly sure doesn't even know where Vallejo is IRL). She gets in, and we drive down the street to the 1250, where Chicken, his fiancee, and several others are preparing to load up two cars for a trip to San Jose, CA. 

 

Unfortunately, two of those making the trip are Chicken's INV grandparents, both of whom use 10-foot long wheelchairs. The only way to transport them via our sedans is to...connect the cars into one large supercar. Personally, I would have been against this method, but since the vehicles are somehow sliced open and welded together while my back is briefly turned, I just go with it.

 

With Chicken at the first wheel, and me at the second—yes, we still have to operate both steering wheels—the trip begins. The rest is muddled; I recall bits and pieces of a drink-making competition and Klay making everyone uncomfortable with his constant smiles...but that's it.

 

 

With Friends Like That...(July 15, 2016)

 

Things begin with me as Brandon Belt of the S.F. Giants, doing pre-game warmups in the road outside the 1250. I can't catch anything—my reaction time lags and every throw hops or skips past/over me. So when a kid passing by catches a throw with ease, I angrily rip the ball from him and chuck it down a drain.

 

Skip to an office building; myself and six others wait to be interviewed for some unspecified position. A Ricki Lake-type emerges, looks over one hopeful's resume...then takes him away, sneering to everybody else "as for the rest of you, I'll be on vacation from hiring." Essentially a tasteless way of saying we're no longer being considered. 

Making matters worse, I have extreme difficulty leaving—twice traversing all three floors via elevator and re-entering the building from outside all fail. During my trouble, it occurs to me that sexing up the manager for the job might be easier than leaving...then I realize she, too, would need to consent for my plan to work. Back to escaping.

 

Ed O'Neill shows then take over—on Married With Children, it is Jefferson's first episode. He's hiding out somewhere in Marcy's house, prompting her to ask the Bundys for help. She and Peggy tiptoe in the dark until Marcy screams in terror ("Oh, it's just Al.") Jefferson is finally found, and after a brief meet-and-greet, he sternly informs his new unimpressed stepsons (?) "I'm gonna be around for a LONG time."

 

Finally, it's Modern Family; Claire has invited a social worker (Julie Hagerty, who played a disgraced social worker in Law & Order SVU years ago) over to meet with me. After my footsie attempt with Hagerty goes nowhere, we hear commotion in the next room—Haley's BFF has decided to poison her by forcing bubble mix down her throat. Luckily, Uncle Mitchell is there to save the day, putting the "friend" in a chokehold and removing her from the premises with a little help from teenage Larry Baer (a Giants executive who is about 60 IRL.)

 

 

Curing Strokes WIth Incompetence (July 13, 2016)

 

I learn via Facebook that IRL ex-softball teammate Danny has died in the forest, and I'm pretty down as I head to my mom's apartment. There, she, Josie and an elderly Italian man called "Paul" await...until Paul has a stroke and collapses, not moving or breathing. In response to this, Josie goes to sleep in a corner and Mom just sits there, in no rush at all, debating what to do next. 

 

I call 911, who clairvoyantly answers with "They're on the way." Two 40-something female medics arrive and, before I can direct them, head up the wrong staircase. They run back down...and head up another wrong staircase. I finally instruct them to use the "last staircase"...but unlike IRL, the last staircase still isn't the correct one. Fed up, one EMT simply roll-leaps from that landing to Mom's.

 

The spent women enter the unit and promptly collapse themselves, by which time Paul has gotten up on his own and is on the Internet.

 

 

Not THAT Kind Of Dribble...(July 12, 2016)

 

For some reason, for the first time ever, I'm watching the WNBA on TV...until the ballhandler running upcourt collapses and has what appears to be a miscarriage on the court. Tragic, gross—but I can't say it was uninteresting.

 

After I swear off the NFL in the wake of mounting graphic injuries and spend waaaay too long in a Safeway line behind a woman trying to order everything at the counter like it's McDonald's, I find myself attending a successful job interview for what's essentially a courier job. Outside the office, I coach another guy on how to nail his interview...until he shows me his laptop, indicating he's interviewing for an IT position. Oops...

 

Outside the building, I start my route. Dispatch attempts to prank me by sending me for a "recovery" (food pickup) in Chicago. I'm so annoyed until I wake up.

 

 

They Both Got Experience With Pipes (July 11, 2016)

 

Things begin with me as a wide receiver, absorbing pregame taunts from opponents and even teammates as I stretch and warm up. Before the game starts, a massive tidal wave lands, washing everything away and sending us scurrying for cover. In the aftermath, Judge Judy emerges from a hut, stunned at the devastation. Additionally, a Mario-style video game has sprouted up from the damage, only with rappers instead of plumbers.

 

 

 

What A Wisecraq (July 10, 2016)

 

My cousin Lando is furious at his dogs for being home alone. (Oh, yeah...it's their fault.) His solution: storm into the house, pull them out, then...put them back inside through another entrance and storm off.

 

Next, buddy Nate and I are walking across a set of outdoor hoop courts; we spot a short, stocky dude in full competitive gear ready to ball on someone. Nate: "That dude think he's Shaq!" Me: "More like Snaq!" Laughs abound. (According to legend, I can print that joke because I'm quite hefty myself.)

 

We make our way to a diner, where I spot a portrait of heroic police officers. For about five seconds, I'm inspired to join the force myself...then change my mind. A nearby patron reads my mind and huffs out of the place in disgust over my non-decision. Oh, well.

 

I end up at the home of another bud, Arnell. There is commotion in his living room; emergency personnel is present, but he doesn't seem concerned at all. So I use the opportunity to pepper him with questions about the nosiness level of his clients/colleagues. 

 

Things end with J.D. from Scrubs in a first-person perspective walking around a bright white, empty hospital, trying to come up with the perfect brown-nosing comment to Dr. Kelso.

 

 

Girl, Your Put-Downs Are Hot (July 9, 2016)

 

It's an episode of Judge Judy. (I swear: all I have to do is catch a five-second JJ commercial snippet IRL and boom! It's a Night Vision.)

 

A husband is suing a wife; the wife/defendant can't shut up and is even allowed to stand next to the husband/plantiff and snark over his testimony. This prompts the plantiff to hint at a reconciliation; that idea is shot down fast. 

Eventually Judy calls recess and, in her chambers, gives both parties uncooked lasagna noodles and sauce, telling them to "work it out" (much to the wife's pleasure, for some reason.) Still, the case continues...sort of. 

 

Things move backstage and take a Maury feel, with the wife/defendant announcing to the camera, "America, take a look at THIS!" as she plays a DVD. During this scene, the wife is showing much leg and I, being me, am quite intrigued. Apparently, so is the camera operator because viewers are never shown the DVD—camera stays focused squarely on the couple. Ultimately, the couple is granted a divorce...but no word on who's awarded the lasagna.

 

 

No Browsing Here Anymore! (July 8, 2016)

 

I pull into an empty Michael's plaza at night. Though literally no other cars populate it, I somehow manage to take the one space that has a curved iron rod lying in it—shredding my back tire. Despite this, Josie and I enter Toys R Us, whose new policy is for customers to declare their order at the "front desk", then wait outside while it's retrieved.

 

So we walk down to Michael's in search of wood for an art project (which we're doing IRL, by the way.) There, a woman follows me around, fishing for attention with groans of "(sigh)...do I really need this" and "(sigh)...I can't find nothin' in this store", conveniently waiting until we're in proximity before speaking. I, of course, ignore her, as I do all attention-seekers above age 8 IRL.

 

Back outside, for whatever reason I opt against calling AAA for the tire. Before anything is resolved, a sudden skip to (the very sexy) soap actress Melissa Archer on her deathbed, struggling to live as some lingering dude tries on her boyfriend's clothes.

 

 

Somewhere I Had To Be Tonight...What WAS It? (July 7, 2016)

 

On TV, former Giant Benito Santiago has homered off former Red Eddie Guardado. The camera pans to Santiago searching for me in the dugout for a hi-five...which reminds me I'm very late to the ballpark. Rushing to get ready, my knees flare up and I decide to not show up.

Instead, I wind up loading my car with oversized repair stuff while "Crazy" by Seal plays on loop in the background.

 

 

I'll Do It...For A Hot Wheel! (July 6, 2016)

 

Outside my 5th-grade classroom, Bill Clinton is dissuading me from using my presidential vote on his wife, Hillary, and is bribing me to instead vote for him somehow. Skip to SF sports personality Gary Radnich speeding a bus the wrong way down a busy road, but too immersed in his monologue to notice/care. The bus pulls over; Radnich steps out to get drinks, during which time someone else takes the driver's seat.

When Gary returns, he's holding two cups filled with (what I hope is) pineapple juice, ready to drive again. (left unresolved)

 

 

Road Trip Fail (July 2-5, 2016)

 

On a long IRL trip during this period; sleep was rare and visions were few. All I really recall: a scene of an IRL buddy being denied access inside a school bus full of children, none of which were his. (I'm withholding his name; most people dislike any even remote associations with pedophilia.)

 

 

Do Ya Smell What He's Building? It Stinks (July 1, 2016)

 

I'm working with The Rock on "retainers" for houses. It turns out Rock did similar work at my old job...and it sucked. While deciding what to do with this information, Jane Leeves (Daphne from Frasier) shows up and has a falling-out with everyone present. This is what I get for daring stumble upon Hot In Cleveland at 1am last week.

 

 

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