The Skillz Report

 

We're Revoking Your Man Card, Doctor (November 26, 2015)

 

It's an episode of ER, and "Chief Of Police" Dr. Anspaugh saves Dr. Carter from a med student's "bullying", which, according to Carter, consisted of answering questions in riddles and using improper syntax. Guessing the chief didn't need to brandish his weapon for this one.

 

 

Have They Seen Each OTHER? (November 23, 2015)

 

My uncle and I are doing a documentary on San Francisco sports talk legend Gary Radnich. Just as we start discussing whether the WWE is a "sellout", Radnich bursts in asking if we've "seen my wife...or husband?"

As we film Radnich doing his show, "Todd" calls in and predicts Giants SS Brandon Crawford will be traded before spring (even though he's just signed a $75M contract IRL). Callers on hold are so shocked at his idiocy they can be heard insulting him even though Radnich hasn't put them on the air.

 

 

We're All Kids At Heart (November 21, 2015)

 

At an NBA game, a woman getting water along the baseline interferes with play and results in a turnover. She isn't concerned at all, and the next thing I know I'm with her and a local talk show host at an auto shop—she needs a new tire but the host won't allow her to put it on herself. (Something to do with his owner buddy losing money.)

In protest, she smooches me and we go back to my place and play with Josie's blocks. Fun times...

 

 

Puddin' Pop! (November 19, 2015)

 

Not much worth mentioning until the tail end, when me and my silver-suited buddies Shaquille O'Neal and Scottie Pippen sit around watching old opening credits of The Cosby Show.

 

 

You're My #1 Favoritest Person, Sir! (November 18, 2015)

 

I'm NBA guard Shaun Livingston, and I'm in public pitching two "complete games" with no actual ballfield in sight. (You make sense of that one.) The good times end when I reach a gang house and am spotted by yet another gang. 

 

I quickly change out of my red shirt and run back to...somewhere, An old IRL baseball teammate hooks me up with a gun, and I'm able to make it to a wedding rehearsal. There, a thug peers in my car and demands "Give me a list of yo' favorite people" so he can kill them. Attempts at reason fail; I awaken with the matter unresolved.

 

 

Touchdown-And-Out (November 17, 2015)

 

Stranded on an island somewhere with a penniless Jerry Rice. Nothing else worth mentioning.

 

 

Hangin' In And Jivin' (November 16, 2015)

 

For some reason, I'm spending my time sharing the racial difficulties portrayed on Good Times to a random assembly of blacks, who show no signs of having asked me to do so.

 

Skip to the diamond—now I'm picking a softball team against my will (and somehow miss former major league standout Lyle Overbay, who's selected 12th). We max out at 22 total players and have to send many hopefuls away; most of my pick list doesn't match who I actually called—one woman takes it upon herself to clean my face, and two guys turn out to be women named Shegara and Shega. End vision, mercifully.

 

 

Next Time, We'll Play Cards (November 14, 2015)

 

I'm a cop; my partner and I are playing "guns" with a homeless young adult who also happens to be special-needs. During our "game", the kid gets ahold of my partner's gun and won't return it. I'm forced to loan my partner my backup gun for the rest of his shift—would it matter? This guy can't even protect his own gun from a special kid.

 

 

The Knicks, As Coached By John McVay (November 13, 2015)

 

Actress Maura West is parading around in a bikini and looking damn good. I try desperately to move my TV to the other room where the lone DVR is—I want a recording of West for my own, uh, usage. Despite my efforts, I fail.

 

Then, I become victim of a horrible video game conspiracy. Playing an NBA as the Knicks (who now have LeBron James and Klay Thompson) against the Pistons (I think), I trail by 10 before mounting a comeback. Up 92-90 with possession and fouls disabled, I'm in perfect position to run the clock out. Victory is inevitable...

 

...except it isn't. Though I'm pressing no buttons, my Knick players mysteriously pass the ball on their own to Klay in the corner; he idiotically shoots and misses a 3. The Pistons rebound, wind down the clock, and with fouls disabled I'm powerless as they stroke the game-winning 3. I absolutely ERUPT.

 

(If you don't get the title reference, click here.)

 

 

Not Available? Was The Grass Stolen? (November 11, 2015)

 

I'm working for/with three soap characters, one of whom is in a coma. Sadly, after work one colleague and an older secretary are both killed in separate crashes on a busy road. (Wonder if that's how the coma guy ended up in the coma.)

 

Skip to the Giants losing badly to the Reds in the playoffs; AT&T Park was "not available" so the game was played at Candlestick Park, even though we know in-vision said park has been reduced to rubble—don't ask me how this worked. A buddy and I show up late, hoping to see the 49ers game—which is also somehow being played at the Stick. But traffic is being diverted, so rather than take the detour, I ditch my bud, find the nearest ATM, and magically transport myself home.

 

 

Who IS Allowed To Sit There? (November 10, 2015)

 

James Earl Jones and his pals are eating at a booth and invite a guy over, but the owner—who is also James Earl Jones—is puzzingly racist, and boots all the men when the invited guy dares ask Jones for a carrot. Former big leaguer Mookie Wilson and his son (who's reluctantly dressed in drag for some reason) approach the now-vacant booth, and they too get a heavy dose of nasty from Jones, who's apparently not only racist but also a bigot.

 

 

Go Fetch The Stick, Junior! (November 7, 2015)

 

Former major leaguer Eric Plunk and I welcome our guest Ken Griffey Jr. to the 1250, and choose to entertain him by showing video of various Giants brawls over the years (none of which involve him). He gets hungry, but I take forever to find something to cook riblets in. Not wanting him to know how unprepared I am, I actually usher the Hall-of-Famer outdoors like a dog while I search.

 

 

What A Buddy I Am (November 6, 2015)

 

I find myself being chauffered by an idiot kid who "drives" me nuts with his repeated basketball challenges. I'm dropped at a buddy's house and promptly smooch his girl twice, then faint when I realize his mom—who was hiding behind a microwave somehow—saw it (and would no doubt rat us out).

While still at the house, I read an article already detailing the day's events and fallout, and patiently wait for my ejection from the premises (as described in the article.)

 

Next, I'm guarding a woman after arresting her and some dude outside CVS (I'd staked out the oblivious guy in full uniform inside the store). As we cut through another store back to the precinct—to a car, I hope—I sense danger and get the woman down just as gunfire erupts, killing the man. My partners appear magically; we take out the entire gang of shooters with no other casualties. Another cop marvels at my skill with a "12-gauge pistol" (which I'd never heard of before this vision).

 

 

 

Die Long And Prosper! (November 3, 2015)

 

A group of folks—who they are or what they represent isn't clear—comes into some serious money, and like most people do when they get rich, they find William Shatner and kill him.

Focus shifts to a couple from the winning group. The man spends some money on autographed shoes and the woman becomes irrationally bitter and angry towards him, dogging him out and eventually slapping him. All over the shoes. I urge him to press charges, he does and quickly moves on with another group member. For my efforts, I'm rewarded with squat.

 

(Note: I'm aware the title refers to a Spock quote, not Kirk. Fully aware. Save your corrections.)

 

 

 

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