The Skillz Report

...Either That, Or You Must Stink (November 30, 2016)

 

When the INV girlfriend of Law & Order's S. Epatha Merkerson expresses apprehension toward affection, Merkerson sadly declares "it must be because of my body."

 

 

Wrong Sport, Skillz (November 29, 2016)

 

I'm discussing Barry Bonds with his former teammate Shawon Dunston and former opponent Luis Salazar; I bring up the time Bonds insulted Dunston. "Which time?" he says.

 

Down below, two Giants score to cut their deficit to 6-4, but I urge another home and he's thrown out. I'm so mad, that I field the next two foul grounders with my feet. (Ultimately, Buster Posey's puss-single and Hunter Pence's homer tie the game.)

 

 

Haven't You Ever Dealt With The Mob Before??? Sheesh. (November 28, 2016)

 

I'm in the mob and witness a middle-aged lady (with her arms around me) executed and tossed in the water. A guard has remorse when he can't reach the sinking woman, and after I'm threatened out of the building at gunpoint by General Hospital mobster Sonny, I'm forced to create an alibi.

 

My next step: go to a medical office and schedule an appointment for one hour ago. I try to silently alert the staff what I'm up to...but they either don't care or don't understand. The vision ends with me waiting a LONG time (well, obviously, my appointment was in the past).

 

 

"Grunt Mumble RRR Bfft" (November 27, 2016)

 

I meet Tom Selleck, who's happy to be recognized. Higgins (also from Magnum P.I.) gives eloquent P.I. lessons to B.A. Baracus from The A-Team. B.A. gives a mumbly Moses Malone-esque response.

 

Next, I'm in the loony bin, and my escape attempt is thwarted. It's okay; I have unprotected sex with the doppleganger of actress Linda Elena Tovar...even pausing to shut the door! My second escape attempt is succesful, and I scare off a tiny "security guard" rather easily and quickly.

 

 

Shouldn't Our Vehicle Be More Secure? (November 26, 2016)

 

I'm an armed courier delivering Spongebob stuff with an old college classmate Brendan. A customer is upset no "trenches" are included and makes threats. Turns out that same customer hid the trenches in our truck in a scam attempt and I catch her. Also, Shaq and Kevin Durant are just chillin' in the store.

 

Things end with neighbor kids turning our small backyard pool into a party, with dogs, without permission. I stew and contemplate drowning them all.

 

 

Mark...You Actually Have TIME For This? (November 24, 2016)

 

First off, this is a nightmare, because the Warriors have traded Klay Thompson to the Atlanta Hawks.

 

Next, Mark McGwire and my old taxi mechanic Jim work to erect garage doors for my apartment's parking lot spaces. While this goes on, I drive to San Jose, but then right back to 707 because I forgot clothes and have no permanent address in SJ.

 

 

Bless Your Poor Health, Friend (November 23, 2016)

 

Mostly The Bold And The Beautiful stuff, but there is one other scene—my school teases my Halloween getup until one student, Paul, collapses and I help him inside. That's all it takes for respect, I suppose...

 

 

At Least, We HOPE He's In Character (November 21, 2016)

 

At work, a blonde customer makes some joke about being from Estonia. Only much later do I think to call her a "Stoner". Meanwhile, Josie has somehow moved my truck AND left it unlocked. No issues, but I chastise her anyway as her mother walks past us like we're strangers.

 

In closing, a senior in a bikini appears on Stephen Colbert's show; turns out it's Russell Crowe in character for some film.

 

 

Did He Ever Advise The...Defense? Ba-Dum-CHING (November 20, 2016)

 

I'm saddened to learn my boy Jay has died on the highway, but outright emotional when I learn it was actually Andre Iguodala of the Warriors. He's remembered as more of a U.S. ambassador and friend to Barack Obama rather than an NBA star.

 

Lastly, my buddy Luke somehow takes my car as I'm driving it, forcing me to take the bus.

 

 

Does That Mean Threat Of...Snow? (November 19, 2016)

 

I'm watching a non-scary Halloween event on TV; celebs promote star David Alan Grier, who says thrice "I am not scary" before adding "I AM scary." I become obsessed with the line "so many monsters" from Annie Lennox's "No More I Love You's" for a Halloween mashup.

 

Next, I find out Chicken was once the second overall pick in the NFL Draft; he seems perturbed I didn't already know. 

 

Lastly, the threat level at an L.A. hospital is white, whatever that means.

 

 

"I'm HARD. I Eat Fish With No Utensil." (November 15, 2016)

 

Today, I am running Long John Silver's with my INV mom and sister, who are in back doing flowers (Me: "How about doing FOOD?") I'm forced to chew out a "hard" customer who calls me "one of him" and insists I bring his food outside. It gets to be too much and I awaken saying "Too stressful!"

 

 

No Me Digas Que No (November 13, 2016)

 

A dual Spanish/English lesson is underway between me and some girl; we start smooching and she utters in English "Don't tell me NO."

 

Next, I'm reading MLB star David Wells' INV book, where he tells of a St. Louis bar banning every New York Yankee ever because of him, and the death of his woman—they screwed until they couldn't anymore and apparently it killed her.

 

Lastly, Josie is hyper, sitting on chair backs, etc. I finally snap for her to "SIT DOWN TIL GAME 7 OF THE WORLD SERIES!"

 

 

Monopoly Luxury Tax? (November 12, 2016)

 

I find myself desperate to find a girl-on-girl smooch glimpsed on TV; instead, I land on Malcolm In The Middle with a laugh track. Frankie Muniz happens to be seated next to me and claims he already told me about the laugh track.

 

Skip to me as Kramer doing a scene shouting life nonsense as he walks around my old elementary school.

 

Lastly, IRL bud Danny is hounding anyone in sight for $75; I pre-emptively turn him down but later give him $40. So grateful and desperate is he that he reaches in my bag for more dough.

 

 

What, Is The Anthem Playing? (November 11, 2016)

 

I kick it with my buds; one, Jorge, returns from "calling" a game (he was just talking while it was going on) and is freaked out that his real boss will find out. ruining things for the rest of us.

 

Later, I catch two dudes sleeping in the CAB of my pickup; there are stewed potatoes spilled on the door somehow. I confront them about it; they blame it on a n-----. 

 

FInally, my mom gives two dudes a ride somewhere; the big dude in front keeps pushing his seat back on the small dude till I tell him to stop. He starts to go off but I shut him up real quick, then bully HIM as he was bullying the small dude. As they drive away, he asks (through my mom) for me to "stand up" even though I'm already walking.

 

 

"I Don't Think So, Skillz" (November 10, 2016)

 

I'm an aide to Hillary Clinton, and I aid her and Joe Biden walking across unsafe train tracks. Then, on the bus, a girl discovers a book of Richard Karn's; I point him out and he speaks to me, but shrugs me off when I try my best Al Borland laugh.

Soon, two old bats sit opposite corners; Morgan Fairchild annoys them and they spray her to sleep. Despite my luggage, I can't just leave Fairchild there and haul her off the bus with me.

 

 

Hey, Homer Once Pinch-Hit For Strawberry! (November 9, 2016)

 

Nothing really worth mentioning, just Cardinals manager Mike Matheny getting mad at me for assuming he wanted me to pinch-hit instead of Matt Adams, who's actually on the team and talented.

 

 

I Bet He Liked That Last Part (November 8, 2016)

 

I bounce from sweeping in front of my neighbor's doors, to moving my car to three different spots that get taken just as arrive, to an All My Children dude literally running through a door and finding two other female castmates fighting, then simultaneously falling unconscious on top of each other.

 

 

Pants Take Priority (November 7, 2016)

 

At my local Maxx, I joke to cute staffers about the place looking like home during a search for me (?)—it understandably falls extremely flat. Just then, we hear another staffer screaming for help from the women's restroom; I start towards it but stop when I notice a black patch burned into my jean leg—doubly strange, since I thought I was wearing shorts.

 

Next, at Safeway, a retarded bagger makes things tougher on a casher I'm INV crushing on; she eventually has us customers bring him food to distract him, evidently. She'd given me permission to beat him up again, even though I do not recall doing so before (or being evil enough to even consider it.)

 

 

"And How Did Getting Dunked On Make You Feel?" (November 6, 2016)

 

After I receive a records-only turntable for some reason, I watch the Golden State Warriors crush the Orlando Magic with modern-day Shaq wearing #46 for Orlando. After the game, I try to dissect his psyche over losing.

 

 

So Can I HAVE The Car Now? (November 5, 2016)

 

I'm buying a car from some guy who lives across from me INV. He's kind of pushy with a lot of terms, and when I show up a real estate agent is already there to tell me he died. Oh, well.

 

Next, security demands my I.D. at the grocery store. I refuse. Nothing happens.

 

Lastly, I stumble upon an old college classmate, Brian, up to his waist in rainwater. I offer him a (local) ride but instantly regret it since he's drenched. Luckily, he just stands there unresponsive.

 

 

You Wanted Your Purse Back, Didn't You? (November 3, 2016)

 

At the 1250, I interrupt my grandma's phone call to tell her "John" has died from a heart attack while searching for food. Grams preps a greeting card "Can I come too?" We laugh.

 

Next, I drive east until reaching a private school, where I'm told a purse snatcher—heard on the radio—is in the bathroom. He turns out to be a little Asian gangster and I shoot and kill him...and two female accomplices. I'm heard on the radio shooting the last one and realize I'm in deep crap...so I simply force a skip to me doing delivery work. Real life needs this app!

 

 

Gun Nuts (November 2, 2016)

 

At a Vallejo, CA. convenience store, Mariano Rivera is robbed. I eventually bull-rush and hold the suspect in the parking lot, but he becomes a 17-year-old girl after being cuffed and is actually likable.

 

Skip to a JFK parade; he's off to visit another assassination victim in the hospotal when he's shot himself. I learn the two shootings are part of a conspiracy and that a Hebrew dad of three is next.

 

Lastly, as I change three poopy diapers, a gay gunman shows up but I can't shoot my rifle as it disassembles in the bag. So I throw him down a small pit.

 

 

 

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