The Skillz Report

How Did KGO Even KNOW About It? (November 30, 2014)

 

At the 1250 again. The house is in a state of disrepair, even squalor, and KGO-7 (the IRL San Francisco ABC affiliate) wants to air a segment about it. I obviously don't, and I spend several moments trying to call them to express this. Oddly, KGO's number is in the phone book, so I get to dialing. However, no matter what buttons I push, the wrong numbers appear—even when I press r  e  a   l     s   l   o   w   l   y. So instead I decide to clean the house to discredit the report. THAT'LL show 'em!

 

 

Was It Something I Said? (November 29, 2014)

 

I remember walking my cousin's dog, having him vanish into thin air, then materialize next to my leg moments later. Also, Dan Marino threw a football at me while wearing a suit. Note I said "at", not "to".

 

 

He Must Have Went Against The Family (November 27, 2014)

 

I'm not sure if I'm in or watching a Godfather movie; in any event, he beats one of his lackeys to death over some minor mistake. He then calmly and jovially talks Giants baseball, as his surviving lackeys nervously laugh (to keep from also being murdered, I'm sure.) Next thing I know, I'm on the roof showering just before shooting hoops in full thermals. (Don't ask me. I just report, not explain.)

 

 

Maybe It Was A USB Diamond? (November 26, 2014)

 

Shopping time at the local Target. Whatever mysterious electronic device I want is kept in a private room, almost like a vault but with a curtain rather than a steel door. This room is guarded by a one-armed woman. She never sees me enter. 

Inside, a lone college punk works the room. But as I browse, he busts out some wild breakdance for his audience of zero. I hear a familiar voice outside—that of my IRL friend Juan, who now works at Target INV. Only when I wake up do I realize I never got whatever mystery device I went to Target for in the first place. Dammit, Juan.

 

 

A Punch Might Have Been Easier (November 25, 2014)

 

I'm a member of The A-Team, we are saving Russians from fraud—their enemies are supposed to be storing their money in secret compartments of wooden crates, but there's nothing inside them. One particular bad guy earns my wrath, and I become obsessed with hitting him with an ice cube. It takes several tries.

 

Later in the night, I'm in a bathroom wanting to wet myself on purpose. My muscles won't let it happen even INV—when I wake up, I'm terrified that I lost control in my sleep. But my full bladder held strong.

 

 

"Only Got $20 In My Pocketttt..." (November 24, 2014)

 

At work for FedEx...but driving a car. I'm having trouble finding Maxwell Street at night and drive a mile waywardly before swallowing my pride and mapping it—turns out it was right by where I started from. Back the other way I go, but when I get to Maxwell the six boxes I had for them are no longer in the backseat; all I find is an oven tray. Uh-oh.

 

Next thing I know it's day time and I'm being "trained". My trainer takes me to some outdoor thrift shop and urges me to moonlight there. Have any of you ever had one job trainer urge you to find a second job while training you? This part is fuzzy, but somehow my trainer becomes a military official of some sort and kills some jerk private while we're on route. So we have to cover it up.

 

The cover-up consists of: hiding a gun on the back of a junk-filled flatbed, and asking Jane Kaczmarek to sign some documents (she never does, because she waits til we're walking away before agreeing.) Maybe the documents were in those boxes I was trying to deliver...

 

 

That's Why I Never Posed For Yearbooks (November 23, 2014)

 

IRL, I crushed on a girl by the name of Natasha back in high school. Of course, there was no way on planet Earth I'd ever tell her or anyone else—you just read a world premiere revelation! (BTW, when she said "Hey, Skillz" to me one day IRL, I almost collapsed in disbelief over her actually knowing who I was. But I'm not here to talk about the past.)

 

Natasha (who I haven't thought about in forever) appeared in tonight's dream...sort of. She's gone missing and a classmate, Julius, is absolutely torn up. (He was also an IRL classmate who's been off my mental radar for eons.) The principal outs me, thinking my crush on her might somehow help find her. Does he think I stalk her and know all her hideouts? WTF...

 

Eventually some random dude who looks slightly too old for high school passes through. He coldly informs us that Natasha is fine as he brushes past, refusing to reveal any other information. Things end with me browsing a yearbook with a pic of me, "Ricardo Stevens."

 

 

"I Met Your Mom At AM-PM" (November 22, 2014)

 

More damn General Hospital...

 

In between segments I am sitting (yes, sitting) in line at a gas station. Somehow I successfully ask a woman out—which would never happen IRL. Afterward, I get in line with Alex, who was already waiting. A stubby little man takes serious offense to being "cut" in line; I ignore him, but feel bad and try to buy him water—however things skip and I wind up on a train reading a Red Sox book with a drunk—yet—stuffy general manager of an unnamed team.

 

 

THAT'S How You Win Friends (November 21, 2014)

 

I'm in the dining room of the 1250, chillin' with some softball friends who I apparently just met that day (yet invited over). Eventually two of them decide to deliver a bed through the window. It's a challenge, because A) this window is on the second floor, and B) the window is obstructed by a (rotting) balcony. Somehow the bed is delivered and I trade with my grandma.

My IRL softball friends of five years are awesome...but I can't say they ever gave me a bed.

 

 

Live From New York, It's Thursday Morning! (November 20, 2014)

 

I've been re-hired at one of my former jobs, but at first they won't let me in the building as they no longer recognize me (didn't I get re-interviewed?). And once I do get in, they still don't trust me and won't let me work—we end up sitting around bs'ing all day. The only advantage I can think of to hire someone, try not to let them in, and then not let them work—the manager is on severe hallucinogens and is too cowardly to admit he never meant to hire me. Do you have any suggestions?

 

Next, I'm driving home but I'm impeded by a hill so tall and so steep it actually looks more like a wall than a hill. Too afraid to descend, I drive around the block—making sure to photograph the hill from below. What a fun guy I am.

Upon arriving home, I flip on The Today Show, which I've watched a grand total of about eight minutes all year IRL. Maybe I'd watch more if they performed skits, as my dream edition did—yes, Matt Lauer and friends are all participating in a live Saturday Night Live crossover skit. I'm trying to focus in but my fake landlord won't shut up.

 

ME: "Hold on; I'm trying to hear this." 

LANDLORD: "Huh?"

ME: "I'm trying to hear this!"

She pauses...and keeps going. I finally give up on the skit, shut the TV off, and angrily kick a chair over before storming out.

 

 

Two Men, A Baby And Poop (November 18, 2014)

 

Crazy, nasty and all true. 

I'm at the 1250 with a few IRL friends, including Ryan. He's a little frazzled by his three kids (who, unlike their real-life counterparts, are all in diapers) so I play with little Aiden. He promptly shits and goes to sleep. 

 

While I change him, Ryan goes in another room to change the other two, who have also shit. He then comes back to collect all the shit as well as the kids and head home. Aiden is no longer next to me, so I assume he somehow got all three kids at once. But when I see him upstairs, he does not have Aiden.

 

I race back down, and find Aiden has rolled under the bed in his sleep...and shit some more. As I'm about to change him again, he explodes with one final massive shit that gets on me, my clothes, him, his clothes, both diapers, the blanket and the carpet. This shit has to weigh more than he does. All I can do at this point is scream: "NOOOOOOO!" and collapse in exasperation. When Ryan, who doesn't know if his son is okay or not, sees the mess—"NOOOOOO!!!!" and another collapse. 

 

Subplots include: me carrying a dead GH character out of a theatre, where someone has broken her neck; running a jeans shop with a producer of my favorite radio show, and coloring some giant drawing with a navy crayon as the song "Kyrie" blares throughout. Sounds normal to me.

 

 

Can Dew Cause A Fumble? (November 17, 2014)

 

At 7:30 in the morning, I'm set for a round of....flag football? Some girl and guy I don't know IRL have joined with me for an apparently scheduled game of pigskin—obviously not enough for a game. The chick pushes me to "get people" to come out; she apparently really needs to get her kick on. Unsurprisingly, no one is interested, and we skip to an A's game, where ex-Giants pitcher Dave Burba has come out of retirement—ten years later, at age 48.

 

Things wrap with me back at my old armed courier job AT Systems, asking for a hat to cover up my uneven, uncombed coif. I'm refused...so I quit.

 

 

She Didn't Say Much, Either (November 16, 2014)

 

My kid and I are throwing a toy squirrel at a real rat. (????) Eventually we stumble into a grocery store and a manager/customer argument. A shyster salesman is demanding cash, but no one will give him any until he proves who he is. He says he can't without cash so they drop $200 and dispatch him. Where the hell do I get this?

 

It gets weirder. I'm with my ex again, but there are two editions of her: regular her, and her with no head. I am currently snuggling with Headless Ex but I need to get up to bring Regular Ex some aspirin. Unfortunately I have no way to tell her this—she has no ears—so she won't let me go. I have to literally pry/fight my way free and I can feel her pursuing me but I awaken before any further issues.

 

 

Was Paul Newman Not Available? (November 15, 2014)

 

I'm kickin' it with late actors James Garner and John Ritter, and we're all discussing their deaths. Do I really need to go any further?

 

 

Now I've Got In Two Little Fights! (November 14, 2014)

 

Tonight I have a new identity: The Fresh Prince himself. And I'm literally cursing out my mom for never being appreciated. I go to some cafeteria with Carlton, where some sleaze forces us to take a bag of drugs. I immediately go to Uncle Phil, who somehow knows the sleaze is outside and goes to beat him senseless. 

However, the sleaze brought company and one of them threw something at Uncle Phil's head, which I notice as I'm heading outside myself. Though I don't think I have a shot at this dude, I wind up victorious in our bout. Uncle Phil and Nephew Will: Kickin Ass and Takin Names.

 

 

Some Autos DID Run On Coal (November 13, 2014)

 

Two IRL General Hospital actresses are asking my opinion on a mother punishing her two-year-old the day after his infraction. I lend my expertise, as my own daughter promptly falls off the toilet—destroying my credibility. 

Next, I'm trying to deliver a bag of charcoal to AutoZone (?). Though it was a struggle, I finally do find the shop. They aren't even mad that I apparently stole some coal out of their bag for my own use. Nice people there.

 

 

Just Call Me Pat Sablak (November 12, 2014)

 

I'm walking with Alex and soap star Cameron Mathison, wondering how we remained in the dark about "our" friend Kelly Ripa's ongoing domestic abuse. (?). All the while, Alex is ragging me for not having arms like Matheson (who does?) Sans Cameron, we make it to Alex's house, where I attempt to make a custom Wheel Of Fortune wheel. Even though I trace round objects, my wheels keep coming out oval, to my great frustration.

 

For some reason Alex is walking around with her cleavage bursting from her top; I'm allowed to touch but not slurp. Eventually we lie down to watch The Simpsons, and she confesses her desire for us to "be together". I try to email my answer even though she's right next to me. But I can't type and am forced to verbally answer—I'm solo permanently. She storms to her room; when I try to talk I'm dismissed with a "I'VE GONE TO BED." So I pack up to leave and commit the sin of creaking the door slightly, causing her father to ditch his INV mistress in order to scold me.

 

 

Yabba-Dabba-Doo, Sucka! (November 11, 2014)

 

Segment 1 was some bizarre A-Team/General Hospital mishmash that I will not even try to explain in depth. Just know that it concluded with a bad guy shoved thru a moving propeller on-camera followed by all four members of the Team plus two officials peddling away Flinstones-style in a soapbox racer.

 

Segment 2 began as a nightmare—I was reunited with my ex. We watched a celebrity Wheel Of Fortune with the cast of Major League as the contestants, along with younger and older Ted Dansons rounding out the group. (Several eons have passed since the last time I thought of Ted Danson IRL...don't ask me where this came from.) 

 

Segment 3: Just me loading a tray of fish sticks and an entire quart of tarter sauce in the oven.

Tartar sauce in the oven. Yum.

 

 

Who Bends Dimes And Runs Away? (November 10, 2014)

 

My late Uncle Bubba has driven me to a sports card shop, where I purchase $6.75 worth of cards with a $20. However, the cashier takes so long to give me my change that I explode, shouting "GIVE ME MY GODDAMN CHANGE!!" (in my defense, he'd just left me standing there while he handled other matters.) He gives me a small pail of coins that certainly weigh $13.25, so I split. I ultimately have to return for some dropped dimes, which are now somehow bent. ???

 

As I exit, I bump into Pete Rose, who asks how to pronounce the name of one of his players. ???

 

Keeping with the Reds theme, I flip on a Giants/Reds game in which Cincy's outfield defense is comically abysmal. On one play, four outfielders all fail to corral a carom rolling right past them. Jon Miller exclaims, "This is the worst defense in the HISTORY of the game!" in true Ruben Rivera fashion. What an awesome segment.

 

Before I awaken, I make sure to be nude in my living room—unaware the blinds are pulled partially open. I clandestinely pull them shut...at least I thought I did. Turns out I actually opened them further. Before the United Coalition Of Pervert Lynchers can take action, I'm awake.

 

 

No Wonder Stern Wouldn't Allow A Vegas Team (November 7, 2014)

 

At the casino with two IRL soap stars, playing a game of "100"—closest to 100 in five cards wins. I decide I want to gamble, which the others find hilarious (apparently I suck at gambling). Meandering thru the floor, I spot several NBA stars spread about as well as an NBA game on TV featuring Chris Bosh as a Cavalier. The dream ends with me becoming former IRL NBA star Tyrone Hill. Warming up alone at a regular basketball hoop, I'm totally incapable of making even a simple five-foot bank shot (or any other). 

 

 

Space Jam 2: Too Old To Jam (November 6, 2014)

 

I am single-handedly hauling a couch to a dumpster. As I heave it in, I notice a woman standing inside of the bin...but I'm too late to stop and she's clipped. Ignoring her displeasure, I return to explaining the plot of Home Improvement to my mom while watching John Smoltz make his "final start". Smoltz gets roughed up, although he does strike out Barry Bonds swinging—angering him so bad he has to be restrained.

 

Skip to a conference room of sorts, where I and the members of the original U.S. Olympic Basketball Dream Team are watching their movie, a sequel to Space Jam. Some chick I do not know slides across the floor to snuggle with me. I do not object.

 

 

It DOES Matter What My Name Is! (November 5, 2014)

 

Things begin with me seated in some sort of classroom. The teacher addresses me by the incorrect name. I politely correct her—emphasis on politely. So when her next words to me are "All right, Mr. Savage or whatever your name is—" that's all it takes. I'm outta there. But I've forgotten my backpack. Luckily, Chicken materializes from nowhere and recovers it for me. We split.

 

Next thing I know, we're at some random barn full of hay bales and attractive, leggy MILFs. For some reason, I push Steve to race this husky young dude around the barn seven times. They get thru six laps and I await them at the "finish line". Of course, they make me look like a total idiot by finishing thru another entrance. Steve wins. 

 

His prize was supposed to be a paper plate of dessert. Instead, I hand him a paper plate of foil—the dessert was swiped—which he didn't seem to mind one bit. NO, it wasn't me who did the swiping.

 

 

Once Again, I Choose Stink (November 4, 2014)

 

Remember the show Walker: Texas Ranger? I am Walker's partner Trivette, and we are confronting a group of Brits feuding with another group of Brits. Things take a bad turn, and we all dig for our weapons in a nearby sand pit. (???) Yet, Walker is able to settle the feud without any blood being shed—within seconds, the groups are laughing together like schoolchildren. Nice, Walker. The episode ends with a Walker aphorism delivered to me as I'm on the toilet. Folks...I can't make this up.

 

Dreamshift to the 1250, which is being used as some sort of daycare. Kids are hitting me in the head with hard, plastic baseballs when I receive a phone call from an IRL acquaintance, whose identity will remain private. This woman wants me to "come over"—the late hour and her insistence leave no doubt she is after nooky, and I plan to oblige. But when I realize I'm not clean and don't feel like showering...there goes that. 

 

On the surface, you're saying "Dammit, Skillz, you passed up nooky to avoid a shower?" Just let it be known the woman in question, while nice, is not very attractive. I didn't miss out on much.

 

 

I'm Just Gonna Have To Stink Today (November 3, 2014)

 

The Los Angeles Lakers are playing at the local DMV...and getting thrashed (not sure who by). After the game mercifully ends, I mysteriously appear at some showroom-type office area, needing to change clothes for some reason (maybe I was in the game, too?) But the bathroom as well as the "changing room" have large, clear windows in them—fearing indecency accusations I will not strip with women able to see inside. 

 

 

What Do I Inhale In My Sleep? (November 2, 2014)

 

Tonight was disjointed, even by my lofty standards. Things began with me driving a armored truck/bus. An old IRL boss of mine (not at either the armored truck or bus company) and I are trying to get two "special" teen boys onboard, but they're difficult and insist on climbing in through the bottom while I search under the bus for their wheelchair. (Don't ask me, I'm just reporting.)

 

That's not all. Subsequent scenes include: me sitting down for a movie with B.A. Baracus and his girlfriend; being blocked on a staircase by immigrant kids who just escaped something; opening an empty charcoal grill and discovering it on fire; and lastly sharing smooches with Kelly Monaco and some whore I used to work with IRL (who referred to me as "Richard", for some reason.)

 

That last part was fun. Those other parts were...interesting.

 

 

I'm 34 Now, You Can't Make Me Run Laps! (November 1, 2014)

 

After going for Whoppers with Pat Burrell, I wind up at the parking lot of my old college. A woman is borrowing a handicap spot to load her car...but then decides to just stay in that spot. I punish her by breaking into the car, removing a good-sized box, and hiding it high up in the building. Somehow, people have figured out what I have done and I'm eventually contacted via phone by Mr. Chengus—my IRL junior high principal who hasn't crossed my mind since the 1990's—for questioning. (If his first question was "How the hell did you get so fat?", no one would blame him.)

 

 

 

Return To Top