The Skillz Report

 

He's Gonna Win It Back-To-Back! (February 27, 2016)

 

The Minnesota Twins have moved to the National League, and boast the 2016 Rookie Of The Year, even though he's been in the league since 2010. As I rant about it on Facebook, a lady I don't know asks "Will you be doing SkillzReport from the city?" I reply "If you mean the city of San Jose, yes. If you mean the city of Baghdad, not planning to." 

Venturing outside, a guy I haven't seen in 18 years is on the 1250 steps needing a ride. I oblige; as I prepare to leave he follows me inside and hugs/thanks my relatives for helping him out. (All I got outside was a "thanks bruh", by the way.)

 

 

Hasn't Bambi Suffered ENOUGH??? (February 25-26, 2016)

 

First, it's Married...With Children with Bud Bundy helping Al cheat at poker as I try to make my disgusted grandma understand that "Al" now has a wife 25 years his junior on Modern Family. Then I'm delivering wine to a radio station that you drink from the bottom of a blimp-shaped bottle. We—yes, we—are enjoying it until seeing two smiling deer on the label; the employees become convinced deer were killed to make the wine and I'm kicked out.

 

 

 

What, No Bat Symbol? (February 23, 2016)

 

I'm giving driving lessons to my IRL buddy's daughter, who is all of eight years old. Surviving this, we return home to watch Wheel Of Fortune, where a contestant is offended when given the customary bonus round letters (which read as follows: R, S, T, S, L, N, E, E, A). I use the opportunity to educate her on the greatness of several old shows such as Soul Train. She cares very little.

 

Eventually the kid vanishes; I'm not too concerned. Next thing I know I'm Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond, and I'm tasked with replacing a "commode" in our new house. Not surprisingly, I don't understand the house's layout, and confuse one bathroom for two different ones—meaning I'm lugging a commode down and around a long hallway/path when I could have simply walked through a door three feet away.

 

As I finally finish, the maid (Julia Sweeney) shows up. Debra, in her classic impossible b---- style, has fired the maid but demands Ray "do something for her! You have to make this right!"

 

 

 

I Thought He Was A Deer? (February 22, 2016)

 

Somehow I'm an elderly Chinese man who's just killed Martin Luther King. Initially I keep quiet as there's no evidence...at least not until the investigators discover my confession note lying in my room. At that moment, I become a terrified biracial young woman who "didn't mean to!" A prosecutor is heard half-heartedly asking "Are we gonna charge her?" The answer is no, much to my relief.

 

Next thing I know, I'm watching the Warriors in the playoffs. Soon after Stephen Curry bounces in a 3-pointer off the glass in transition, a five-man pileup for a loose ball ensues; when Warrior Andrew Bogut tries to punch the ball from the hands of ex-Warrior Anthony Randolph, a tussle ensues. Bogut yells "What would your BROTHER think?!" to the incensed Randolph.

 

Lastly, I'm on some kind of cruise ship with all my 707 buddies and their families. One bud is demanding I take a photo with a metal crab "climbing" on my back, another is spinning in circles for no reason, and a third is rushing to deal with his son who's decided it's appropriate to kick his mother.

 

 

Your Heart Will NOT Go On! (February 19, 2016)

 

I find myself in the upstairs apartment of some beefy black guy, allowing him to...enjoy himself with me. (Which would never happen voluntarily in a trillion years IRL...no clue what triggered this vision.) Later, I'm irrationally upset with my mom for not knowing who Celine Dion is. 

Things close with me trying and failing repeatedly to complete a simple left turn at a light, even somehow winding up outside of the car on one attempt.

 

 

He DID Love His Daily Chicken (February 18, 2016)

 

McDonald's drive-thru is open, and I'm patroning....on foot. Ahead of me is MLB Hall-of-Famer Wade Boggs asking the young female cashier if she knows of any other players who wanted off their current team, found a new team, and STILL wasn't happy. Considering she's barely older than Boggs' retirement and shouldn't know who he is, I proceed to suggest "Benito Santiago!"

This satisfies Boggs, who drives off. I attempt to catch him leaving the drive-thru, but it's built like a racetrack, and I cannot find the exit in time to intercept him.

 

 

People Still Write Letters? (February 17, 2016)

 

Back to the 90's we go; it's Beverly Hills, 90210 and Brandon is trying to work at his desk while a stressed-out Steve enters and re-enters the room a little madder...and a little madder...until he finally starts breaking stuff and collapses. Turns out that Steve really likes a girl who doesn't reciprocate.

Adding insult to injury, the camera pans to Brandon's inbox, where more than one (presumably love) letter from that very girl sit, unbeknownst to her heartbroken suitor.

 

Also, I'm lying on a bed with a (female) friend casually sucking and massaging her boobs like nothing. (This is not a case of an IRL fantasy coming to life, female friends...Night Visions can't be explained.)

 

 

Give Him Credit: He Didn't Yell (February 15, 2016)

 

It's The Bold And The Beautiful again; Julius' son is showing strange concern for his own health, and needs to make a confession to his equally concerned father. Asking Dad not to yell, the young man admits he sniffed paint months ago. Julius absorbs this, then punches him. Hard.

 

Cut to me doing my route; at a senior home, the customer I'm after is not there. I ask a female staffer if it's possible he's returning...but I stutter the question and am totally ignored. Somehow, a minute later, the woman ends up in my delivery vehicle at the next stop —she tells me the customer I was after won the lottery, and had left the senior home to go count it.

 

 

I'm Too Offended To Be Arrested! (February 14, 2016)

 

Tonight, I'm Bill Spencer of The Bold And The Beautiful. I inform my wife Katie of an old acquaintance stopping by under the guise of needing help—things rose, we smooched a little but I REFUSED to go further, and now the acquaintance is dead. Katie stays composed through this news, and when the cops arrive, she announces "We're LEAVING!" and we do. Must be nice to be rich and above police investigations, apparently.

 

Katie drives us away, and I am TERRIFIED that she is going to snap at any moment, even though she's totally supportive during our ride. I ask "Tell me what you're thinking". She responds "Getting you out of this." We wind up at some Denny's-type diner, where instead of ordering by menu, we build a model of the meal we want using toy food.

 

 

Why The Express Lane Is Rarely Open (February 13, 2016)

 

Not interesting enough for more than a couple of throwaway sentences: 2 Broke Girls is on, but instead of saving money for a horse through waitressing, Kat Dennings' character Max works at Target (in a waitress uniform). Whenever no one's looking, she climbs a stack of boxes, falls through to the other side, and works her secret side job as a baker.

 

 

GIDDYUP! (February 12, 2016)

 

I'm in an outdoor waiting room—whatever that is—obsessing over the three tech businesses that serve as the "way in" for three other businesses behind them. Soon, a doctor (or nurse?) strolls up on a horse. I fear I will be called next and be told to ride the horse...but the vision ends before a resolution.

 

 

She's Not Entirely WRONG, But Still... (February 9, 2016)

 

Me and various buds are engrossed in wild late night shenanigans in an unknown suburban backyard. No one—guest, neighbor or otherwise—minds any of it until I start dry humping one of my male buddies. Only then are others outraged, and the party begins to dissolve.

 

Next, I find myself in a classroom reading a teacher's assessment of myself. Apparently I'm "egotistical and untrustworthy to hide a fear of abandonment." I'm also "Intelligent, but not capable of behaving like an adult for very long" and "Not someone with much of a future". That just about covers it. At least she didn't bring my genitalia into it.

 

 

You Woke Up The Wrong Skillz! (February 8, 2016)

 

It's a flashback to seven years ago; I'm actually lying in bed with my ex happily, but an unseen alarm clock just will not stop! I go hysteric trying unsuccessfully to find the cause of my snuggling interruption. Turns out my alarm was going off IRL, and I'd overslept by 30 minutes. (Still made it on time!)

 

 

This Man Wants To...Make You...Less Alive (February 7, 2016)

 

Andre Iguodala of the Golden State Warriors is an agent on Burn Notice, trying to warn a young kid of a killer without mentioning the word kill, killer or killing. It is almost funny. Skip to a 3-on-3 hoop game with me, my mom and some teen punk against three others. I score lots, but my own teammate asks me to "take it easy" and not dominate. I'm so pissed, I call a radio show to bitch about this pussy immediately after.

 

Things wrap with me marveling over my IRL bud Dave's firm, flat stomach as he sits shirtless on someone's porch bench—Dave is not at all fat IRL, but he's not the physical marvel portrayed in my vision. Not sure what this means, and not interested in finding out.

 

 

Splash Brothers? Meet The Trash Brother! (February 6, 2016)

 

Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors are having a party, and I'm there getting roasted by some clown who thinks he's pretty damn funny. I give it back to him by comparing him to fried chicken, triggering uproarious laughter from the partygoers! The roaster laughs and says "We good! We good!" My reply? "Are we finger-lickin' good?" More laughs. I didn't know I had it in me.

 

There's more from my armed courier days, but I deemed it not interesting enough to post.

 

 

Cop Wasted On The Job (February 5, 2016)

 

It is Law & Order SVU, and Munch's car is parked a good two feet off the curb. Benson sees this as she enters the precinct, and as she prepares to chide Munch, she finds him IN a wastebasket. (He's okay.) 

 

Benson has to investigate some crime related to a "Chinese girl". Searching an unoccupied apartment, someone knocks, forcking her to lay down and attempt to imitate the victim's accent while just waking up. As you might expect, it's awful, and sounds more like Miss Piggy than anything, but we don't know if it works because...

 

...we skip to the "regular" cops pulling over a fleeing tow truck and arresting three other uniformed cops...and soldiers. Forget what they did—how the hell did they all fit in a damn tow truck?

 

 

Can't You Just Draw Me Instead? (February 4, 2016)

 

My car is getting fixed, but actor Robert Gossett (The Closer/Major Crimes) tries to take me hostage during the repair. But when I satisfy his request for a pencil, he develops respect for me and lets me go. Lucky me.

 

While at the repair shop, I get a call from one of my FedEx customers, who's irate over a mishap of some sort. When I try to confirm her tracking number, she hangs up on me rudely. But she calls back and I throw caution to the wind by...get this...hanging up on HER!

 

 

Return To Top