The Skillz Report

 

He Should Have Thrown The "Cheese" (May 29, 2016)

 

In some open, mall-type civic area, Barry Bonds pitches to me. Despite the crowd milling about, I line it as hard as I can off the dry-erase board of a pizzeria 200 feet away. No one seems to care.

 

 

You Take The Wood, You Make It Bad...(May 28, 2016)

 

The topic of the week on The Facts Of Life: a slanted table. Jo is particularly torn up over the goof, until her "assessor" comforts her. (YOU handle making the jokes about the girls getting good wood.)
In a true example of a non-sequitized night vision, I'm suddenly a baseball catcher at the mercy of a coach who pitches even when my glove isn't fully on. An arriving IRL softball buddy, Bien, calms me down by being FAR too excited over a new hat than a grown man should be.

 

 

Granny...You. Need. To. Move. (May 27, 2016)

 

Family friend Jackie visits, and I imitate his trademark hearty laugh. He's not sure I'm respectfully joking and responds by anally correcting me on something insignificant. I'm so annoyed, I intentionally wake myself up (and am STILL annoyed).

Back to sleep I go—at the ballgame, I catch two separate foul balls. I generously give one away to a kid after another turns it down, claiming he "has no kettle corn to offer me" in return. ? As I pocket the second one, an exaggerated fat roll is exposed on the JumboTron.
Lastly, I am arguing with my granny about the actor Nathan Fillion his being the best Joey on One Life To Live (his IRL role about a decade pre-Castle). Behind her, Brooke Shields is doing an ad requiring her to continuously lick peanut butter off some other girl's mouth. Needless to say, my interest in the Fillion argument wanes.

 

 

Instead Of A Train Ride...How 'Bout A Flight??? (May 25, 2016)

 

I'm with some Russian guy in some large room area of a train; he also has his wife and kids with him. The dude, who is waayyy too interested in razors, cuts himself badly...but his wife does not budge. Disgusted with the whole lot, I fling them all off the moving train into a hay bale. 
Next, I find myself at the 1250, where my aunt is locked out. Goons corner us...and I cowardly save myself without giving her a backwards glance. THIS could be my least proudest night vision.

 

 

By Chance, Does This Train...Float? (May 23, 2016)

 

It's a taping of the Rob, Arnie & Dawn radio show; one of the stories involves a woman returning to her gay son's life in order to get him on drugs and kill him. After, I piggyback Dawn (who is obese) out of the studio to escape a loose rodent that only she can see...though I suspect she's just too lazy to walk herself.

Next thing I know, I'm on a train back home to the U.S. from Germany (?), where some black chick complains about her luggage being on the luggage car. "HOW am I supposed to get it?!" I wind up in a classroom where I clearly do not want to be, and make an escape even when everyone is prepared for it and the professor is strategically leaning toward the exit hoping to intercept me.

 

 

Aren't I Lucky? (May 22, 2016)

 

Joseph-Gordon Levitt is filming a dance video in the back of our local Food Maxx; girls include Madonna's daughter and some (somewhat homely) former high school classmate. I feign excitement over the opportunity to watch what is, expectedly, an awful performance.

 

 

It's The Conductor's Fault! Ba-Dum-CHING! (May 21, 2016)

 

I'm working with Matlock on a case at a rich estate with way too any characters to follow. At one point, we're forced to hide in plain view in the backyard, but a creepy ghost still spots us from an upstairs window. We eventually go on questioning witnesses during mealtime, but they eventually grow weary of this and tell us to "watch ourselves on TV!" to get answers.

 

This episode ends unresolved; a new one begins with a 10ish girl biking down train tracks. She seems to be the pending victim of tragedy, but instead a bus stops on the tracks and all the bus passengers are somehow electrocuted.

 

 

What Color Was The Fish? (May 20, 2016)

 

Finding a lost dog, my brilliant idea to scope out the owner is...hold the dog in front of me like a serving tray until it picks up the owner's scent. It leads me to a fish store, and I consider an impromptu purchase of new goldfish, but the salesman is too busy on the phone: "I'm not racist! I sold you a fish, what more do you want?!"

Things end with me trying to find a way to thank Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCollough (formerly Patrick and Robin on General Hospital) on Facebook for their professionalism. What they were so professional about, who knows.

 

 

I Can Just Check Online, Y'Know (May 18, 2016)

 

It's two-on-two hoops with me and Klay Thompson vs. Dion Waiters and Kevin Durant...in the meat department of a Lucky's supermarket. I innocently praise Waiters' hops and ask his age; he tartly replies "Don't worry about it" as if he's trying to keep it under wraps. I do okay in the game despite my limited hops, but there's many interruptions including my auntie Flo needing to pick some meat. 
Out of nowhere, IRL bud Jose—unseen by me IRL for 2-3 years now—shows up, takes a bite of raw beef, spits it out and departs without a word. Klay is too disgusted to continue.

 

 

Who's The Prankster? (May 17, 2016)

 

I'm in an office bathroom, dropping a deuce while reading transcripts of President Obama's infamous "Ain't Got S--- On Me" recording. When I look back up, three of the bathroom walls are missing...yikes.

Next, I'm with IRL dawg Aldo and his wife Lupita on the way to AT&T Park. Upon arrival, I find it's now part-amusement park, which somehow inspires us to sing Billy Ocean lyrics (not songs) all the way up. But I ruin everyone's fun by obsessing over Loops' white pants potentially getting dirty.

 

 

Can I Help You Anywhere Else? Pleeeease?? (May 15, 2016)

 

I'm with Chicken at a boat party. A very sexy (by my standards anyway) waitress is selling another "boat" downstairs, but it turns out the boat is fake. The waitress is so shocked that she has to be physically helped back upstairs (which I do not mind in the least.)

Chicken has somehow managed to completely intoxicate himself on the short trip back upstairs; he drunkenly collapse next to me as we all joke and watch One Life To Live. However, a guy next to me is so visibly bored, he drives me out of the room. On my walk, I discover not only is my plaid shirt not collared, but the jacket I'm wearing over it has been backward the whole time. Which is pretty damned hard to do.

 

 

Nothing But Adolescents (May 11, 2016)

 

Me and the NBA's LaMarcus Aldridge are battling fellow NBAers Tim Duncan and Goran Dragic (who now has a deformed hand, unlike IRL). I compliment Goran on being a good player, then reject him and bestow the same compliment upon myself. Eventually, Duncan gets hurt trying to post me up and I explode in guilty tears.

 

The game grows into a full-court 5-on-5, but when the "Spurs" grow a big lead, children take over for the adults (who, except for me, have simply left.) They play well at first, but soon dissolve into whines and tantrums. One ghetto mother seated next to me in the crowd wants her son to do an on-court trick. I say "That will undo all his hard work (learning to play right)!" Mom's response? "It ain't like he goin' pro!" Okay, then.

 

 

Trees Do Produce Paper (May 10, 2016)

 

The cast of The Office is with me, doing landscaping work at Alex's house. Enough said. (I'm pissed at myself for not writing down an especially snarky/funny wisecrack from Phyllis.)

 

 

He's Lucky—I Had Paper Clips! (May 8, 2016)

 

Tonight, I'm back at my old armed courier job. For some reason I can't leave without $10 bills (this is not how it works IRL) but no one around the office seems able to help. Their interest ranges from apathetic to non-existant. My boss Jeff feigns inability to speak English, while another colleague simply fades away before my eyes. Real help, guys.

 

Skip to a class being taught by an old friend, Jenn. One student is some mouthy Asian gangster type; Jenn responds to his obnoxiousness with "Got news for ya, sista!" He takes special offense to being called "sista", presumably because his hair is long. I get on him in defense of Jenn, he throws a pen at me—real gangsta, right?—but I wake up before deciding whether or not to escalate the "war".

 

 

The Video Is "Troubled" (May 5, 2016)

 

I'm trying to film a closing video over the old song "Can't We Try" by Dan Hill and Vonda Shepard. My camera is on a tripod, and actor Peter MacNicol performs shenanigans while the song plays. All in all, for a Night Vision, the video turns out okay, except my voiceover is so poorly synced with my image that it sounds like I'm being held hostage. I go to re-record but MacNicol has left, replaced by Dan Hill himself. And if you're familiar with Dan Hill at all, you know he is incapable of "shenanigans". Goodbye, video.

 

FYI: if you don't get the "Troubled" reference, Google John Cage (the character). It'll hopefully make sense then in context of this vision.

 

Next, Shaq is my bud. I call him over to kick it and cook something with grease for him. Shaq eats, dances in approval for my amusement, but the evening peters out when we try and fail to do NBA impersonations.

 

 

At Least SOMEBODY'S Fingers Get Put To Use (May 4, 2016)

 

Shortly before I'm due to catch a flight, I try to buy a laptop—even though it costs $1600 and I've only got $100 and no credit. The salesman goes through his whole spiel as I lament leaving my laptop behind, thus being forced to endure this. At the boarding area, my friend Sally (who I haven't seen in person in 18 years) gives me an unsolicited scalp massage until discovering bumps on my head and ending it in disgust.

 

 

Late-Night Swings And Wings (May 2, 2016)

 

Despite it being near midnight, I've decided to visit the batting cages with a high school classmate from WAY back (Otis Brown, for those of you interested). There is KFC on hand, courtesy of yours truly, even though A) I VERY rarely indulge in that, and B) no KFC is open that late that I know of.

 

I royally suck at the cages and split, only for my car to stall and be surrounded by double-parked thugs. The thugs are just changing positions in their car and drive away, even though none of them moved to the driver's seat. I call AAA, only to find they are "closed in my service area". So things end with me in that parking space, just chillin' in pitch black with the smell of KFC still lingering.

 

 

Roger IS Me (May 1, 2016)

 

In the city of Fremont, CA, I'm outside a potential new employer with two Spanish-speaking guys. They get called back to interview, so I keep looking around the neighborhood and stumble upon another opening. Upon being hired, I literally become Roger the alien from American Dad! and quickly improve everything with my/his abrasive style. Said style leads to my firing, but I refuse to leave and keep answering the phone to—by my skewed logic—continue earning pay.

 

Finally, at the end of the "episode", I concede, and the Vision ends with me searching for a lost Hot Wheel in the business owner's private yard.

 

 

 

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