The Skillz Report

It's A Child, Not A Sandwich (October 29, 2016)

 

We kick things off at my apartment building, where me and dozens of others have gathered with a lit or unlit pumpkin. We're supposed to be in a certain order but empty seats screw that up, and we're too unprepared/dumb to recreate the setup. My old baseball teammate Tito is over the moon when I offer to carry his stuff.

 

Next, a liquor store employee/secretary is overseeing a Lotto game with dice that, surprisingly, no one cheats at. I make a skanky redhead Lottoer uncomfortable when I touch her plastic-wrapped baby goodbye.

 

 

Were These Satan's Birds? (October 28, 2016)

 

A wedding looms. Beforehand, two pelicans and some ducks invade a MLB game, then retreat "under" the bleachers. And by under, they mean through the ground, apparently. Undeterred, I make it to a hoop game in my wedding clothes but stop and change before sweating (which means, what, a minute of play?)

At the wedding, Omar Epps is present with one overall strap down and a pair of Timberlands.

 

 

I Didn't Wanna Show The Guys Up...(October 27, 2016)

 

I leave my uncle and his crew in my apartment to stroll through my old middle school campus. On the hoop courts, a bunch of my old classmates are lined up trying unsuccessfully to dunk; I do not join in. Back at my apartment, I'm worried my valuables are now missing, especially fretting over my unseen Wii. Turns out it's unseen because a crew member moved it to play it, and was doing so right in front of my face the whole time.

 

Also, Ron Swanson from Parks & Recreation is plotting to hide from evil ex-wife Tammy 1.

 

 

Hidy-Ho, Groucharino (October 26, 2016)

 

The Young & The Restless character Sharon is a crying mess over the death of General Hospital character Sabrina and refuses to let her go as fellow GHer Olivia works to contact her pal Sonny. I'm like, "(Sabrina) wasn't even at (Sharon's) wedding!" 

Turns out a snake bit her and a warning of such was in a puzzle description all along.

 

Next is some odd Sesame Street, Ned Flanders blanket, and snow/ice scene that makes no sense.

 

Lastly, ex-MLBer Robin Ventura cracks a big hit off current star Justin Verlander; it lands into the apartments across from my IRL local grocery store. Then a runner goes to "third base" by running in a straight line across the parking lot spaces. Don't ask me...

 

 

The Comforting Colonel (October 25, 2016)

 

In a trailer home, the A-Team (and I) square off with a blind gunman; we're able to trick him into shooting himself in the chin. We then leave on some totem pole vehicle and tell a girl to wait five minutes and call the cops. I lean on Hannibal's chest and he pets me...the duties of a colonel are far-reaching.

 

Later, while at the beach, I remind Charles Barkley that I was on the "We Believe" Golden State Warriors of 2007.

 

 

Target Is Da Bomb! (October 23, 2016)

 

I'm stopping at Target on my delivery route; the cashier doesn't give me a required key fast enough so I rip off my uniform and quit on the spot. Exiting, I ignore a greeter who's put off by that, until A) a special needs kid distracts her, and B) the large explosion right outside.

 

 

Off-Da-Chain Delay (October 22, 2016)

 

Willie Mays hits an opposite-field home run with Willie McCovey and Barry Bonds on base; the three of them do a drawn-out dance at home plate before simply chatting with half the team.

 

Continuing the baseball theme, I ask pitcher John Lackey why there's a potato/water sac hanging from the ceiling. All he discusses, however, are his Red Sox days recovering from surgery; he drones on so long that he grows a mustache during his story.

 

 

The Pay Is Too Low (October 21, 2016)

 

I'm working the night shift at our local FoodMaxx; I hop over a frozen vegetable bin just for kicks and IRL pal Danelle yells at me, then my middle school keyboarding teacher Mrs. Vanderbruggen harps on my cleaning. I'm driven to quit.

 

Later, my cousin mistakes my name for Davis Davis Tandoc as I'm waiting with others outside a closed bank. We're finally helped in the order we lined up outside—I cheat on the form for quicker service.

 

After a pantyhose convention at "Central Town Square", the Golden State Warriors' Draymond Green has joined the rival Cleveland Cavaliers but gotten hurt on a lob play. I briefly consider coming out of retirement to take his spot, but decide not to. Yes, I decided to not play in the NBA.

 

 

Get A Life, People! (October 19, 2016)

 

During a school movie showing, actor Jere Burns talks and is ejected; they throw me out too for good measure. In my next class, I'm paying attention but the teacher hovers around me just waiting for any kind of behavior issue.

When she finds none, old IRL colleague Sharon hassles me and orders me outside—even worse, she confiscates my Mentos. Me: "I don't watch, I'm kicked out. I DO watch, I'm hassled. DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST DROP OUT??!"

 

 

Wrong Black Guy (October 18, 2016)

 

At some high school gym, the Lakers pay "tribute" to Kobe Bryant by showing a video of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sky-hooking at the Boston Garden.

 

 

Gonna Punch You In MY Face! (October 17, 2016)

 

Outside the grocery store, a dude wants to fight his twin brother (and does). Even after things "calm", he still throws random punches his way. My INV coach wants me to hang with them for boxing tips, but when I spot a gang chillin' in the parking lot, you best believe I'm out.

 

 

Peter Parker Pilfers Phony Pay (October 15, 2016)

 

Unknown young twins are eyed by unknown seniors, who innocently comment on needing kids to stay young...the twins are freaked out and GTFO. I then work for a funny, but busy J.K. Simmons; all his staffers including myself ask for our time cards to be adjusted (to get unearned cash) and Simmons, too busy to contest, signs without question. Yay!

 

 

Well, Worse For Someone, Anyway (October 14, 2016)

 

Seinfeld's Kramer is tossed from a bus on an overpass...then his recyclables are as well. He then falls off a roof. But wait, it gets worse—he, Jerry and (mostly) George accidentally blow up a "hospital" patient in the 1250 bathroom.

 

Next, it's Law & Order: SVU; Ice-T prevents "Jackie" from being murdered by a fat cajun. T points the cajun's gun up, a bullet falls out and explodes in his mouth...crisis averted.

 

 

"Cleaners" Means Clean Lungs Too! (October 10, 2016)

 

I'm at a 707 shopping center with a new Spanish grocery store, headed to the dry cleaner. Said cleaner receives a 1-cent tip from dude before me, so I'm sure to tip $2 for my 99-cent bill. Then the next customer is kicked out for smoking before even getting a word out.

 

For some reason, a couple from the grocery drive me home and want me to meet their teen niece...who turns out to be my INV sister. She's creepily impressed at me being so "big and strong".

 

 

Sprays Of Our Lives (October 8, 2016)

 

I'm in the restroom, reading a sign—apparently, some other dude entered a stall to see Marlena of Days Of Our Lives getting facially jizzed on by one of two dudes. Not sure why that's there.

I leave the john to find a very feminine-sounding Bill Murray in a panic screaming. Not particularly interested, I keep going and wind up in a cabin, where Sylvester Stallone's trying to seduce a teenage boy in a strang Italian voice...more screams.

 

Turns out the screaming is from the Disney Channel I left on IRL.

 

 

Does Willie Mays Have An Alibi? (October 7, 2016)

 

Some woman pounds on her neighbor's door; he directs her downstairs and says "Why didn't you put the emergency brake on?!" 

The duo meets up with Dodger Hall-of-Famers Don Drysdale and Sandy Koufax, who are in trouble and soon get kneed in the gut by some thug.

Before that's resolved, skip to me and three IRL friends walking thru a plaza; I'm getting overly emotional because NSYNC's "Tearin Up My Heart" is now 16 years old. Then I fix a car radio and feel up some chick's legs.

 

 

Suspects Chase Cops Now? (October 6, 2016)

 

As Munch from Law & Order: SVU, I work on the "case" of a loose dog on my street and odd calls to my two-story, fancy-furnished apartment. I eventually learn the suspect is not my ex-wife, but rather my adult niece, who on cue crashes her car out front. Makes my job easier.

Skip to me at my aunt's house; she's powdering her very adult son right in plain sight, so I split and begin searching for "Murphy" Street. It's obstructed, so I reach "Murray" Street with a car on a short bridge...which turns out to be the Murphy obstruction. Cue me spending the remainder of the vision stewing over having to go around for no reason.

 

 

Someone Give This Man A Role (October 5, 2016)

 

I'm waiting for a delivery, which is ultimately brought by actor Jon Gries. I recognize him and loved "him" in The Big Lebowski. Gries points out that starred the Johns Goodman, Leguizamo and Malkovich but allegedly not him. Down, I take my stuff and return to my upscale Taco Bell workplace.

 

 

Drake Ramoray, Is That You? (October 2, 2016)

 

I'm a TV doctor, but I get to fail a bunch of bratty high school med students. I also get to clown them afterward!

 

 

 

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