The Skillz Report

Scram, Kid. I've Got Socks Older Than You (April 21, 2018)

 

A lot of barf-worthy stuff tonight.

My mom has a new apartment; I drop in unexpectedly and find empty beverage cups with melted ice strewn about. Suspicious, I sleuth around and eventually uncover Mom and some dude unclothed near the tub, goofing off like a couple of preschoolers. (Backs away slowly...bleaches eyes...)

Then I'm crushing hard on a wheelchair-bound Chris McKendry of ESPN...until she stands to occupy the toilet and reveals her unattractive toes. Sayonara, crush.

Next, I'm rooming with the INV brother of NFL legend Paul Hornung (Harvey), who allows me to use his pickup, which has about 14 locks. I undo them and head to work, passing Harvey having his portrait done in an alley; eventually the truck morphs into a school bus and I arrive at a very-poorly organized parking lot—no one knows where anybody is supposed to park, or in what order they're supposed to go, or even why we're there.
After a minute of just doing what everybody else is doing, I finally break off and head to Target. Inside, some third grader is smitten with me and won't leave me alone until I'm forced to be rude. In the 3rd-floor potty, I drop a deuce and wipe for an eternity without success...while trying to hide from the janitor, since there are no stall doors.

 

 

Perhaps She Wasn't "Wide Awake" (April 20, 2018)

 

After a heap of unworthy-for-mention stuff, I find myself at the funeral of Erin Popovich (IRL late wife of NBA coach Gregg Popovich). The Obamas are there, with Michelle exclaiming "WOO! Is this on TV?!" My mom is also there, speaking too loudly until I shush her—which prompts some random woman to point out how loud I am speaking. Also, some are murmuring over Katy Perry's absence...as if she even knows who Erin or Gregg are.
In closing, I'm kicking it with pal Luke, trading Bob Welch baseball cards and critiquing the 24-year-old Madonna song "Take A Bow". He gets hungry and I'm forced to scrub a foot-high stack of cruddy pans to prep a meal.

 

 

Um...How Much Did You Hear? (April 18, 2018)

 

 I'm chillin' with the San Francisco Giants broadcasters. Somebody brings up Dusty Baker REFUSING to let Matt Williams break any of his managerial records (this is akin to Usher refusing to let Vanilla Ice break HIS records). Eventually with some prodding, Jon Miller and I figure out they meant ex-manager Jim Davenport, not Williams—equally puzzling since Davenport is dead, but whatever.

Next, I find out I have a half-brother who's a little fruity, but likes baseball, so we bond over that while ignoring our father. Feeling it will somehow illustrate brother's "worthiness" in my eyes, I then (non-offensively) demonstrate the voice/mannerisms of a gay kid I once knew IRL, not knowing said kid's parents are lying on the grass nearby. Apparently not concerned, the mom perches herself right on my lap in front of her husband...I don't mind.
 

 

 

Stay Away From The Stairs, Kel (April 17, 2018)

 

It's the original Beverly Hills, 90210; Kelly is crying about something (probably a pimple) and runs off, with Ray, of all people, chasing after her—if you know the show, you understand just how ridiculous that is—with the rest of the gang reluctantly trailing behind.

 

Next, I'm ultra-excited to finally have a turkey burger...only for all of my bread to be encased in mold. FML...

 

In closing, I pass my childhood bedroom and spot a body-shaped lump in the bed. Approaching carefully, I pull the covers back and discover...my grandma fast asleep. She apologizes for scaring the s--- out of me at 100 MPH, then fans me as Will Smith's "Miami" plays in the background.

 

 

Cheating...Cheating...And Eating! (April 15, 2018)

 

This is one of my more wayward visions of the year. It begins with a sitcom featuring three female roommates, one of whom is sleeping with the boyfriend of another. HI-LARIOUS!!

 

Next, the boyfriend finds roommate #3 and proposes...a musical collaboration. He raps his business plan, and although said plan makes zero sense, it's clear the guy has musical skillz. Plus, he's backed/mentored by former MLB All-Star Don Baylor—who knows he's cheating but keeps hush-hush.

Baylor is then seen in the Oakland A's dugout with his bat leaning obstructively on the dugout fence. Manager Tony LaRussa asks him to move it, but Baylor refuses—infuriating LaRussa, who trades him on the spot without so much as a phone call to anyone else. (More on Baylor later.)

 

Skip to a house; I've moved back in with my IRL ex, and apparently I'm so happy at the reunion that I ravage her co-worker who'd borrowed our shower and hadn't dressed yet. My ex/current finds the gal's undies with my stuff; just like that...goodbye, Skillz!

 

Returning to my apartment, I encounter the 1986 New York Mets celebrating their World Series title right there on the property. (It's revealed they'd also celebrated before Game 7 was even close to over, piling up near second base after somebody homered early...funny visual.) With family in tow, I show up at their locker room for the postgame buffet, at which Mets pitcher Bob Ojeda is very, VERY grateful for his salary and good fortune and won't shut up about it.

 

Roger Clemens of the losing Red Sox is dissing Baylor, presumably for the bat incident, leading me to punk him: "You ain't Jesus! You got no idea what Baylor did for me!" Neither do I, for the record.

 

 

"Would You Like Temple Or Roof Of Mouth?" (April 14, 2018)

 

Short but rough: I misread a classmate's signals and touch her inappropriately. She's like WTF, and I sincerely offer to blow my brains out in shame. Moral of the story: signals are for roads only.

 

 

"♪ Who's Trailing At Halftime 20 to 3...♫" (April 13, 2018)

 

I'm at a T-intersection of sorts; the arms of the T lead to a rooftop parking lot, so it's basically a dead end—one I can't turn around from. The only other way down is via a ramp from the parking lot down below. I yank out my trusty wheel guide (like the ones used at drive-thru car washes), hook my ride up, and escape.

Once at the bottom, before I can grab my wheel guide, an octogenarian shows up and uses it as a ladder to reach the parking lot. When I finally do grab it and start to leave—on foot, for whatever reason—numerous fellow seniors loudly accuse me of stealing "their ladder".

 

Next, I'm watching the NFL playoffs with radio host Cristi Johnson. She asks me to do impressions of Spongebob Squarepants characters; because she is rather sexy, I gladly oblige, calling the game in their voices.

 

 

 

The Tongue And The Respectless (April 12, 2018)

 

Disturbing on so many levels; it's The Young And The Restless. Somehow, without knowing his acutal identity, the staff of Newman Enterprises is made aware of Abby Newman's rapist being present on the grounds...but business continues as usual since no one knows who he is. 
Other scenes include Jill Abbott in clown makeup, Victor Newman and his son Nick tonguing each other, and Paul Williams and I attempting to dunk. The ball gets away and a midget initially calls me a less-than-respectful name before I mean-mug him into the correct "Skillz".