The Skillz Report

 

So Much For That All-Star Game (January 31, 2016)

 

The Warriors are on TV; I'm listening (but not watching) when Draymond Green is badly hurt somehow. This isn't just a hamstring tear—the whole crowd as well as the announcer goes into a controlled panic (if there is such a thing) as if Green has fallen off the rim head-first and is leaking blood or something. Not wanting any part of potential contortion, I turn the TV off without looking. But the panic of the crowd is such that my heart is amped up a bit when I wake up.

 

If there was ever a dream NO ONE wants to come true...

 

 

Just How Slow IS This Line? (January 30, 2016)

 

In line at the store, I happen to be behind Kobe Bryant and in front of Shaquille O'Neal. A couple of questions develops into a full-fledged documentary as the two Laker legends talk about the old days. Things are going well until I suggest people like Shaq more than Kobe; Kobe is mildly, but obviously, offended. I have to have my producer (who appeared from nowhere) run back the tape (WTH did a cameraman come from?) to prove that I didn't mean what Kobe thought. Happiness for all.

 

 

Star-Studded! (January 29, 2016)

 

A lot of totally incongruent segments; here's the most notable. Again, this is not made up. I can't make you believe me; I can only offer my word.

 

An actor, I think it was Kirk Cameron, asks me to "write for" his television show. On this show—which I preview—Cameron finds fat twin sisters and secretly undermines one to the other until she develops hostility. Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield then takes her on a buggy ride and urges her to...draw angry stuff on her sister's driveway with chalk. The drawings are childish, but they do express (unfounded) hate. I turn Cameron down.

 

Bookending this segment: me rubbing lotion on Denzel Washington's back, Michael Douglas climbing Kirk Douglas' tipped-over wheelchair to escape a stuck elevator, tights-shopping for my bud's kid and attending a college course run by Jim Carrey (with Tina Fey as a classmate) that zero to do with comedy, acting or media.

 

 

Annnnnnd BOOM! (January 27, 2016)

 

I'm walking down a busy street just past a busy intersection. Behind me, a big rig turns left...onto the wrong side of the road as well as the sidewalk (but not close to me). The driver is doing this intentionally, as for some reason he intends to reverse down the opposite side of the road he turned from.

 

Knowing this won't end well, I observe him turning in reverse...down the hill...into another big rig that was exiting a parking lot. Even as I still hear metal crunching on metal down the hill (can't see much), I'm on the horn to 911—after an automated promotion for "911.com". 

 

I stick around to see the fire trucks arrive, and once they see there isn't much to be done, they simply use their hoses to wash their trucks.

 

 

She Wears Decapitation Well (January 26, 2016)

 

An episode of the old sitcom Spin City airs—it is Michael J. Fox' last episode. In town to send his character Mike off are Mike's family, played by the casts of Family Ties and The Facts Of Life, for some reason. Fox has no idea the Ties cast will be appearing, and when he meets them, Fox (on camera but out of character) bursts into tears. (Apparently, sitcoms were not rehearsed in the year 2000)

 

Fox is so overcome with emotion, he does not notice that Mindy Cohn (Natalie, Facts) is now ripped and chiseled, nor that Kim Fields (Tootie, Facts) is merely a talking head with no body. (Still very pretty, however.)

 

 

But I'm Special! (January 24, 2016)

 

I'm attending the service for an IRL friend-of-friends who was recently murdered IRL. On my way up the driveway to the church, a special needs twentysomething begins to come on to me and has a total meltdown when I only give her a "go away" peck. Inside, I've beaten my friends to the service—not knowing anyone else there, I kill time lounging with my bare feet up while others speak.

One woman starts to talk, loses her composure, and asks somebody to finish her thought. I oblige with a cheesy but appropriate joke—but she's already run off, leaving me looking foolish just as my friends finally arrive. They eye me as if to say, "Can't you go ONE DAY without acting up?" God damnit.

 

 

I Wasn't Thinking About This Show! (January 23, 2016)

 

Barely and I mean barely worth mention—just a Married With Children episode where Bud attempts to grow and cook food for the family while a middle-aged black man sits around cracking jokes, followed by me as an A's pitcher throwing pinpoint STRIKES but so frustrated by my crappy defense that I get myself ejected on purpose. Upon further review, none of this was worth mention, but I've already typed it.

 

 

NOW How Will We Play Four Square? (January 21, 2016)

 

During a celebration, what appears to be the moon is actually a drone...that starts intermittently spraying bullets. I hide under a conveniently-placed bus that I fully expect to blow up after being struck...but that doesn't happen. Later on, my IRL buddy Jorge kicks a ball into a moving, open-top car full of chicks just for the hell of it. Which might be funny or at the very least, impressive, if we weren't about to use the damn ball. 

 

 

She Musta Been A Real Bitch (January 20, 2016)

 

Things begin with me on a playground stuck in a narrow alligator's mouth until finally escaping. Next, I find a lost small girl and conclude—based on nothing—she's a molestation victim. Suddenly, I'm Fin from Law & Order: SVU teaming with Stabler to find her dad, who happens to be Fin's twin brother. Stabler attempts to trick the dad by naming a restaurant with two booths. When the dad doesn't correct Stabler—the place actually has FOUR booths—this somehow proves he's guilty of the molestation.

 

I then find myself escorting a female prisoner by leash to upstairs county offices. Somehow, en route she goes from a 35ish white woman to a 55ish black woman. The official tells me it's "okay" to leave her in their offices overnight, but I doubt this and sneak out to call my supervisors from the bathroom. But adjacent peeing is too loud, and the convict's fate is left unresolved.

 

 

Full Lab Coat Privileges! Longer Stethoscopes! (January 19, 2016)

 

I'm with Chicken, his fiance Emiko and two strangers riding in automobile at night. Drunk Chicken and I exit the vehicle and land smack dab in the middle of a protest—med students vs. doctors. Tomatoes are flying and I'm struck by two of them despite my best efforts. Emiko and friends stop for us two different times, yet on neither occasion do we make it back inside the car, leaving us stuck in an open-ended, staggering, tomato-dodging cycle.

 

 

At Least He's Happy (January 18, 2016)

 

Me and the cast of Martin are riding at night in an old van. At first I'm Cole, and I'm so embarrased at my presets I'm working hard to cover them up. Soon, I become me, with Gina as my ex. She's horny and I—like any straight male during the Martin era—try to nail her, but betrayal guilt (?) keeps me from performing and I only poke around down there a little before quitting.

 

Skip to a Law & Order episode; Green and Briscoe spot a mugging while investigating another crime. Green catches the super-racist mugger, then continue the first investigation at a house with an even more racist witness who disrespects the black Green and falsely accuses Briscoe of making a pass at her. As things drag on, she hypnotizes Briscoe, leaving him with a stupid smile and no focus—meaning he's unable to stop a kid from biting Green in an attempt to spread rabies.

 

 

Go Ahead. Steal My Job (January 15, 2016)

 

As a Sacramento-area taxi driver, I pick up a guy who directs me through an area full of confusing five-way traffic lights. My frustration grows to full-on rage when pedestrians emerge from all sides clogging the road and crosswalks like bugs. At my wits end, I climb in the back of the cab myself and wait for somebody to hopefully steal it and drive us both home.

 

 

Number One...Of Something! (January 12, 2016)

 

We're champions! I don't know who "we" are, or what we're champions of, but we're champions and we're set to pose with our ring—not plural—late at night with my teammates. However, I'm having trouble navigating the new apartment I share with a family fresh from East Asia who confusing my attempts to find the exit for attempts to find the kitchen, and bring me food rather than help me leave.

Finally I do make it outside with our glow-in-the-dark, cereal box championship ring. It wasn't worth the hassle.

 

 

Umm...Do The Giants Know About This? (January 10, 2016)

 

At AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants, fans are now allowed on the field during lulls in play. I take advantage and encounter former Giants slugger Jeffrey Leonard, who's going up to pinch-hit despite the small matter he hasn't played MLB in 25 years. Leonard, who's around 60 now, informs me he fills in for the Giants "every few years" and takes his at-bat. 

 

Not sticking around to watch the Hac-Man embarrass himself, I venture to the parking lot, where two ghetto women cuss me out for not delivering a gift to my aunt, allegedly. Among the many insults I absorb: "What, you afraid you gon' catch ghetto?" How'd she know??

 

 

Uh, Stephen...Murry?? (January 9, 2016)

 

The Golden State Warriors somehow beat the Dallas Mavericks by over 100 points; I want their (somewhat pompous and arrogant) announcer Bob Fitzgerald to comment on the game and catch him off guard when I ask. In the process, Fitz is exposed as knowing absolutely nothing about Golden State, struggling to figure out which player is which and not even knowing their present W-L record or place in the standings. For you non-sports fans—imagine asking Rachael Ray about parsley and she had no idea what it even was.

 

 

Yo, Skillz, I'm Here To Fix...Your Boredom! (January 8, 2016)

 

I have a long guest list for my birthday party (IRL, it's over two months away), but only three people show up in the end—one being my apartment complex's maintenance man, even though IRL and INV we don't even know each other's names. I then serve two latecomers slices of random—but fresh and edible—cake from the back of the fridge, which in my mind is a punishement of some kind for their tardiness. (How? The extra extraction time? Whatever, Skillz.)

 

When everyone has left, it's still daylight out, so I decide to go look for celebrities. (Hey, maybe they'll come to my next party.)

 

 

They've Got Distinctive DNA (January 4, 2016)

 

At dinner, several soap stars sit with my fams and I; I'm abnormally proud of being able to tell which utensils have been used by which star. (?) I've also got tickets to a show with Christian LeBlanc (Michael of The Young And The Restless). Hearing this, a young dude who's neither a soap star or relative becomes visibly upset but won't say why; I look to the ostensibly more mature actors for direction, but they're too busy laughing at his stereotypically effiminate gyrations to be of any help.

 

Finally, I offer the dude my ticket—he's still mad. He finally admits he wants the two of us at the show, to share a "soft kiss". Before I can tell him in no uncertain terms that won't happen, the vision is dominated by a "Shaq"/"Kobe"/Ludacris rap song, with Shaq and Kobe's voices being impersonated.

 

(If you wanna come up with the "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes" connecting joke, go for it. I'm recusing myself.)

 

 

At Least Let Them Inhale (January 3, 2016)

 

I accidentally wake up my uncle in his room, leave, but inexplicably wind up right back there. In order to avoid his wrath, I pretend an intruder is outside, so we go search (I'm really seeing this fib through). Of course we find no one, he goes back to bed, and I decide to make the most of my second chance at life.

 

Skip to the A-Team; a case takes "us" (yes, I'm a member this time) to an office/factory, where management has banned smoking even off the clock. There is no fighting with this "scum", but Hannibal lectures the head scumbag about his "Nazi Germany" environment. Things end with B.A. insisting on keeping a dropped cupcake he found on the warehouse floor. I love Night Visions.

 

 

Come Back! I Can Change!!! (January 2, 2016)

 

It's a FanFest-type event; I interview former MLB third baseman Carney Lansford. After two questions, he suddenly goes inside a video screen and fades away before I can finish. For some reason I rummage through my bag of interview stuff hoping to stop the fade-out somehow...fail.

 

Shifting to the ballpark, a female fan questions why I carry glue in my bag. "Self-defense", I answer, explaining my stance on being knocked out. (I'm against it, in case you were wondering.) 

 

 

The Ump Was REALLY Loud, Dawg. (January 1, 2016)

 

I find a woman struggling with her bags near the 1250 and give her some help, even being invited in her house just up the block. (Somehow my ex knows this and drops off Josie). She turns out to be a 23-year-old gamer girl who's boring as hell and drives me away.

 

Next thing I know, I'm feuding with some dude washing his car partially in my parking space. "Did I say something impolite?" I condescendingly ask, but when dude shows signs of impending violence, I have to make up a whole story about losing my hearing in a baseball game as a teen to calm him down. The preceding vision is admittedly barely worth mention.

 

 

 

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