The Skillz Report

 

Felon Removal On Aisle Six (December 31, 2015)

 

I'm on Wheel Of Fortune and cheated out of a puzzle win when new words keep appearing from nowhere. I finally quit mid-episode to go cut Kanye West's hair. I clumsily leave six cuts on his scalp, which is strange since I wasn't cutting that close, but he's not even mad. 

 

Skip to our local grocery store, which is being robbed. The ensuing call to 911 goes out over the speaker system but since the police do not operate out of the store, nothing happens and the robbery continues unabated. In fact, the robbers turn it into a half-robbery, half-shopping trip as they force a clerk to load up their basket (rather than simply doing so themselves and running out).

All the while, I continue my own shopping. Hey, I'm not the cops.

 

 

You Got Served!!! (December 30, 2015)

 

It's an episode of...Reno 911? I haven't seen this show in a decade, but here it is. Charlie Murphy's bodyguard—an octogenarian Gary Payton—has died and for some reason the episode is a tribute to him, even though neither he or Murphy had nothing to do with the show.

The scene shifts to a carload of dudes harassing/confronting a thug, but rather than a fight, they end up in a public park dance-off against him. Somewhere, Butters Stotch is freaking out...

 

 

Hey, There's No Worms In There (December 28, 2015)

 

Josie lets an owl out from a page of a book. The bird doubles in size and makes repeated attempts to get at my briefcase.

 

 

Fishy Behavior (December 27, 2015)

 

I'm handling Subway sandwich orders on the phone, including some made 15 hours in advance. Doing okay, until I mention a tuna sandwich I'd made earlier for a friend who didn't mind the excess tuna I used. This perks my supes' ears, but before they interrogate me, I simply quit. (But I'm soon pissed for not taking the list of advance orders with me as I go out of spite.)

 

 

A Real Badass Here (December 26, 2015)

 

Water limits have been imposed on our area and I'm not happy about it. So when I pass CVS and discover a "free water pickup" box outside, I use the water to clean the box. That'll show 'em!

 

Skip to 9/11. I get the jumping-from-plane feeling and soar past a hospital, somehow landing safely on the ground. I begin to freak out about Josie's safety...until realizing she hadn't been born yet. At that point I join a group of others fleeing from the terrorists—until we realize we're running from crashed planes, nobody's chasing us on the ground, and we're all idiots.

 

 

XMas Fools! (December 25, 2015)

 

I exchange XMas gifts with Chicken; he gets a Tiger Woods mug, while I get a pink rubber cap that won't fit. Skip to Giants batting practice; Tim Lincecum is hitting shots that off the bat look to be gone; kids in the outfield are even going back to the wall...but each and every shot barely lands past the infield dirt. In hindsight, this was not worth mentioning, but already typed it so there you go.

 

 

How Do These Situations Find Me (December 24, 2015)

 

At the 1250, I have to quickly shove my "adult materials" out of sight when my ex arrives. Josie's in some play, but when I show up, it's just a video presentation of dead cats. So I go to the teacher to sign Josie out, only to find myself straightening the teacher's tights without permission (or reprimand, fortunately.)

Things end with me helping changing some kid's poopy diaper after, according to the mom, three years of waiting.

 

 

Shove It, Mister! (December 23, 2015)

 

Controversy erupts on the set of CSI when Ted Danson shoves Lawrence Fishburne backstage, and a video of the push circulates. Without revealing or even seeming to know the specifics of what led up to it, the media still blows the story up—naturally pushing the white-on-black angle, much to my disgust. The controversy seems to go on for days; memes sprout up and everyone connected to the show gets dragged in the middle of it. Mind you, Fishburne was not hurt in any way and for all anybody knows instigated the "whole thing", if it was a thing.

Nothing strange or funny about tonight's vision—it was more satirical than anything else.

 

 

What A Compliment...If That's What It Was (December 21, 2015)

 

Stephen Curry is attacked on a bridge by some other player, and a brawl erupts on the bridge in the middle of traffic. I exit prematurely and meet up with old IRL classmate CC Sabathia, who reveals he visits TSR and assures me that I'd be only the fourth-heaviest Yankee (the implication being I'm pretty fat). When I guess Bartolo Colon—who hasn't been a Yankee in five years—as one of the top three, CC loses interest in me, clearly not impressed with my sports acumen.

 

I soon bump into Hall-of-Famer Andre Dawson, who INV used to watch my Little League games. It seems he and Barry Bonds are un-retiring to join the Yankees; a woman overhears this and is displeased because "she'll lose playing time."

 

 

"WHAT, YOU DEAF??" (December 16, 2015)

 

Some angry Kanye-type—who we'll call Kanye—is with his kids at the 1250. One of them gives me a note that reads "Jessin crush you", which I think is supposed to mean Jessin has a crush on me. Or that Jessin wants to literally crush me, like with a steamroller. Either way, I want no part of Jessin.

 

Kanye spots a drive-thru speaker outside his window and from said window, orders four tacos. Being a moron, he does not understand why no one is answering.

 

Later, an ESPN column recaps Joe Montana's time with Son of Sam, complete with crime scene photos. Post-Simmons ESPN is a lot darker than it used to be...

 

(I'll save you the Googling: Son of Sam was an IRL 1970's serial killer who had no true connection to Montana.)

 

 

Is That Even Physically Possible? (December 14, 2015)

 

I'm watching a ballgame with sports personality Bill Simmons, while simultaneously going through a disconcerting amount of (retired MLB manager) Jim Leyland trading cards. Simmons decides he wants to play baseball, so we leave our stuff and walk to a nearby field—small talk isn't needed because he's arguing with his wife on the phone the whole way.

At the field, I fool others by pretending my embarrasingly weak hit was actually a foul off my foot. Given a second chance, karma bites me hard when I manage to tear my calf during a swing. 

 

 

And What Have YOU Been Up To? (December 13, 2015)

 

Class reunion time! Without any prompting, former IRL friend "Sam" reveals her marriage is a sham and her husband is cheating on her in hopes she'll leave him and he can have other women.

I want to inform hubby that by cheating on Sam, he already has other women, but opt against it because then he'll hold onto his poor wife...which she doesn't deserve.

 

 

He Wasn't DEAD, Lenny... (December 12, 2015)

 

This one baffled me. It's a Law & Order movie, and Logan's partner has just been shot. As Logan drives him to the hospital, his new partner Briscoe stops the car, pulls the guy from the backseat without warning, jumps in, and takes over the investigation. The two cops corner a suspect, who fake faints—until Briscoe pulls cash from his pocket.

The remaining investigation uncovers a kid's card sale and Jerry Seinfeld's muddy car tied to the shooting.

 

Things end on a humorous note; on a dirt road, the wounded partner starts to rise and is shot at again, comically bouncing and rolling around the road to dodge the gunfire. Whatever the outcome, at least he'll have burned a few calories during his ordeal.

 

 

Couldn't I Just...CLOSE THE DOOR? (December 10, 2015)

 

In a baseball league, I ground out weakly on a fat pitch. In response, I desert the team for the 1250—but somehow my teammates can still see me (through a window and my bedroom door). So I barricade the door with furniture, only to have an unseen person start to push through it and trigger a profane tirade that stops only when I realize the person is my kid...crap.

 

 

Rewrite, Please? (December 9, 2015)

 

For some reason, my mom and I are acting out a heavy, dramatic soap opera scene—one that ends with the man beating the woman in the shower. How lovely.

 

According to hastily scribbled notes, also appearing in tonight's vision: a Target employee's thighs, a kid's mom trying to sell questionable pictures of him to strangers, and two fat newlyweds smooching. Don't ask me; I wrote these notes half-asleep.

 

 

Food Maxx Trades Smith To Safeway (December 7, 2015)

 

On high school Graduation Day, I encounter a dude trying to hoop on 10-foot stilts. He falls repeatedly, but escapes injury. While waiting for my name to be called, I read a periodical with sports-like coverage of...grocery employee turnover.

 

 

We're Even Now (December 6, 2015)

 

I'm working at a Taco Bell out of my aunt's apartment. When the lunch rush hits, four of my five colleagues vanish; the fifth—actress Shenell Edmonds—is so lazy on drive-thru, she might as well be gone, too. One senior customer shouts "PRINCESS IN MY BURRITO!" while another argues with me until I sneeze and this segment ends.

 

Skip to the 1250; my cousin has picked Thanksgiving as the perfect time to shampoo his cat...who runs away. When I find the cat, it's now the young son of an unknown guest—and he has a severe scalp cut. What the f--- was in that bottle???

 

Finally, at Target, my neighbor Terrence is under fire from a group of hags who accuse him of ogling them. I defend Terrence to the point of tears ("He saved my kid from a fire!") It gets the hags off his back, but he's too busy lugging about 12 large empty boxes to show any gratitude for my efforts. Hey dude—you're not carrying anything in your mouth; where's my thanks??!
 

 

Fine With Us, As Long As He Doesn't Stink (December 4, 2015)

 

Giants coach Shawon Dunston has died, but fortunately for the team, he's not letting that prevent him from talking about important team issues such as getting other coaches paid and dressed on time, as well as the time a policeman near KFC tried to have him take a suspect to jail for some reason.

 

 

The Twinkie Defense, Part Two (December 3, 2015)

 

I'm a defensive lineman for the 49ers with an extremely fat linemate; we come up with a code word to tackle the quarterback before he slips away (do we really need to strategize tackling? That's like a cab driver strategizing starting his vehicle.) Before the ball is snapped, my rotund teammate calls time-out strictly to get Twinkies.

 

Later on, I find myself at a movie theater...trying to convince LeBron James...to sign Charles Barkley so Barkley can finally get his championship.

 

(Don't get that title reference? Google Harvey Milk.)

 

 

I Use The Word "Enjoy" VERY Loosely (December 1, 2015)

 

My bud's young daughter Soleil is missing; I watch her baby sister Celine while their mom searches. Eventually I find her, but with a triangle mouth (caused by unknown). Eventually I catch up with the kids' dad Juan and our other boyz Dave and Nate—though they're proving tough to keep up with—and we all kick back and enjoy an Ellen Page/Queen Latifah/Anna Maria Horsford concert.

 

(To any visitors born after 1984: Horsford played on the sitcom Amen, was the security guard on The Wayans Brothers, and is currently Maya's mom on The Bold And The Beautiful.)

 

 

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