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Skillz' Night Visions
In early April 2014, I woke up screaming from a nightmare in which my own blanket menacingly rose above my pillow and prepared to finish me off as I laid there paralyzed. After my heartbeat came down from 558 beats per minute, I decided to begin cataloging the most bizarre dreams—a.k.a. night visions—I experience. I'm not sure exactly why, but at least you'll get some entertainment out of it. Hopefully.
I can assure you that nothing you read here is fictional.
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
2018 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November Current Month
2017 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2016 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2015 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2014 Archive: May June July August September October November December
(Dates of awakening listed)
Pretzels, Cake And Flying Teens (January 2, 2019)
It's The Office; Roy catches Pam and Jim in a "moment" and understandably isn't pleased. He seems ready to sock Jim until Michael interrupts "What you are about to do is wrong, and it isn't right." Roy: "I could twist you (Michael) up like a pretzel."
Just then, Roy's fellow warehouseman Darryl arrives, cooling him down by referring to their friendship in the past tense.
Skip to me on my way to work with a large cake on the seat. It's a bad, rainy morning, and for unclear reasons I abandon my car at a fuel station and decide to walk the rest of the way—cake in hand. But first, I'm compelled to pay a guy's $46 transaction on my card, thinking he'll give me cash...but all he's got is $16 of taxi scrip. Dammit.
Inside CVS, I hope to find a cake cover, but everyone stares at me with comments like "What is it about them sloppy taxi drivers?" When I go in the restroom, a dude even peeks under the stall in amusement. Pissed, I take two giant bites from the cake and ditch it in the store.
At the nearby ATM, preteen youths harass me, trying to see my pin number and just being nuisances. They grow in quantity from two to eight, including one who looks and is built like a 16-year-old. He decides he wants to throw me over the side wall and I snap, throwing him (and his sidekick) over first before finally escaping.
...Mario, Is That You? (January 4, 2019)
I'm driving to work and not once, but TWICE head a mile in the wrong direction. Pissed, I pull the car over and walk, passing a huge group of friends who are helping lug, load and store heavy furniture. I join in and "help" drag a mattress into some dump yard, then decide to ride Josie's scooter up a hill. (?)
At the top of the hill is a pipe with a bro inside who wants to talk about how hot the pipe is—but shows no signs of wanting to leave it. I chop it up with him for a couple of minutes before returning to my friends...who have posed for and taken a group photo with all the stuff they moved. I'm absolutely devastated to have been excluded from the pic "THEY TOOK THE PHOTO WITHOUT ME! THEY DIDN'T WAIT FOR ME BEFORE THEY TOOK THE PHOTO!"
I'm so upset that some dude asks if I'll attempt suicide again. Me: "Probably!!".
Prepare To Die, Good Neighbor (January 8, 2019)
The vision begins with a trio of stereotypical empowered hos performing an upbeat version of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel", which turns into me filming a new "Til The World Ends" video with Britney Spears in the mall.
When it's over, I'm lined up with a group waiting to meet Greg Papa, as is Britney's video stand-in, who creepily thinks we're an item (since we shared close scenes in the video). Ultimately, my chance to meet Papa is ruined; he's called away to assist a boy who was slugged in the nose on-stage.
I reach the stage where Mike Tyson, Chi McBride and I perform an impromptu comedy show for the masses...except those two are able to jump off the stage and creaky-kneed me cannot.
Things close with Home Improvement; Tim does an ad for something he dislikes. This annoys Jill, who takes his handsaw and accidentally hacks Wilson, turning him into a flying supervillain. As the Taylor boys fight their neighbor, Tim utters "Well, at least we didn't burn his house down!...yet."
Ooohh, Chilly Woman (January 9, 2019)
Greg Papa and I are at George Clooney's house watching porn, when suddenly sirens and commotion kick up outside. We investigate and find Clooney talking to paramedics, one of whom tells us "Well, don't just STAND there, help!"
We're able to gather that Julia Roberts has been stalking Clooney and is probably somewhere on the property. I find a big pile of snow, start digging, and sure enough: there is Roberts.
Not sure if she's alive or not, I lug her frozen body to the ambulance, without even so much as a "good job" from the medics. The next day, I boast about my heroics to anyone who'll listen, until the Giants call me needing an emergency starting pitcher.
To prepare, me and some dude visit an indoor facility. But the floors are badly slanted, making balance—and thus throwing—next to impossible. Plus, though the dude tells me to hurry, every other time I throw he's doing some ninja stretch and not ready to catch.
Finally, I cut my losses and just slide all the way across the slanted floor into the men's room about 150 feet away.
Skillz 1, Grim Reaper 0 (January 21, 2019)
After meeting the INV actor who played the jock in Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" video, I'm standing across from the 1250 on a dark, quiet night. As I wonder how trouble will manage to find me here, a car barrels down the road and crashes into the fence behind me. I dial 911 as the three riders—two of whom are hurt—emerge. After some post-crash gyrating, one victim awkwardly huddles up on me to keep warm.
It Could Help With AutoTune (January 20, 2019)
We begin with me teaching electronic terms (ohms, amps, etc.) to some ho singer. We end with me driving a cab customer to a convenience store, where he repeats "Look at that buckethead there" while in line.
Enough With Brown-On-Brown Violence (January 19, 2019)
It's Roseanne; Dan pisses off the family by faking a medical emergency, leading to a no-screaming rule in the household. I'm hanging out near the set with the fired Roseanne herself; as I defend the intent of her controversial comments, an older, frailer Mike Tyson emerges and slaps her nine times until a large UPS man literally tosses him aside.
I step outside and hear what seems like gunfire, but ends up being large cannons in the sky firing silver dollars by the dozens down below.
She's MINE...Even Though She's Not (January 17, 2019)
A shaggy, bearded Denny Neagle returns to the Pittsburgh Pirates after 20+ years, but retires in order to free up a postseason roster spot. We then talk with ex-big leaguer John Kruk, who's blustering about the IRL end of Neagle's career but quickly buys it all back when Neagle prepares to rebut. I warn Neagle to stay away from my IRL crush "Shannon", then fix a bedpost for a radio host.
I'll Just Eat At Home (January 16, 2019)
At McDonald's, a whole area is set up to promote a kids Happy Meal special. And yet when I mention said special to the cashier, he has no idea what I'm talking about. I get pissed and walk to 7-11 nearby; there, BOTH cashiers step away from the registers to get change, leaving me just standing there pissed again. I gripe to one of them about it, but he just stands there holding the empty drawer.
Pat Burrell Is A Choker (January 12, 2019)
A major earthquake has struck the SF Bay Area, and crews decide to fix a "T" in the AT&T Park sign before anything else. Soon, rocks start raining down and I run in a restaurant where several groups of IRL friends are. Looking back at AT&T, we spot ex-Giant Pat Burrell choking out Barry Bonds in the LF bleachers for no obvious reason.
Next, I'm working Safeway delivery again. In one cash office is a very dorky, but very leggy girl who I cannot resist—knowing I'll probably be fired/arrested, I feel her up but she doesn't really care because someone has left a scathing resignation letter for her boss on the floor—apparently, he's a real dirtbag who deserved it.
Skip to my old middle school, where the quake has damaged most of the hoop courts. With nothing else to do, teens scale a building and bellyflop off the roof. Understandably, it's painful.