The Skillz Report

Old Friendship Is Hotbed Of Problems

(taken from 2/7/18 "Ask Amy")

 

LETTER: I have lifelong buddy in his 50s. He had a few emotional/family/divorce issues a decade ago and he basically checked out of life. He stopped maintaining his home and business and let his health go. There were years of dysfunctional behavior, borderline hoarding, a bad diet, a disastrous relationship — all of these things overwhelmed him.

 

During that period, I listened and offered support and advice. Two years ago, he announced he was going to turn things around. He isn’t making much progress and is making some seriously bad decisions. Luckily, he’s financially secure, with a recent large inheritance and no major financial worries. Now our weekly calls have evolved into hours of him either droning on about how hard he’s working and how smart he is to overcome these self-inflicted problems or complaining about how hard it is to get out of the hole that he dug.

 

I recommend a solution, and then ask him not to complain.

 

If I continue to offer advice or provide feedback, he gets mad or hangs up on me. Recently he told me he just wants me to provide emotional support. He wants me to listen. But his behavior screams: “I need help.”

 

How do I bite my tongue to support a guy with a proven history of dysfunction with a know-it-all attitude, who seems unable to deal with day-to-day life and who lacks the self-awareness to see he’s the common denominator in all of his self-inflicted problems?

I want to help but don’t want to listen to him complain.

 

Amy's (correct) assessment: homeboy is a narcissistic bore. Skillz knows how to solve the problem...

 

 

SKILLZ SAYS: What complicates advising you: you want to continue this friendship. 

 

WHY???

WHAT do YOU get out of this friendship? This clown is a walking, talking sedative. He is never going to change. He is just going to get on his knees and emotionally vomit on you as often as you're willing to hold his hair back. He is dysfunctional. Giving normal advice to this guy is as pointless as giving normal advice to a goat. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T THINK HE'S THE PROBLEM.

 

Apparently, you sitting there absorbing hours of drivel weekly is all the "help" he wants from you, and as long as he has that, he won't ever seek REAL solutions to his problems. Understandably, you're sick of it. So here's what you do if you truly want to help him and spare yourself these agonizing discussions:

 

Declare your love for him.

 

Your use of the word "buddy" says you're likely a guy, and assuming you're both straight, this should make him fairly uncomfortable with talking to you. The next time he calls, going on and on about the latest pyramid scheme he fell for or how that random bus passenger he took in stole from him, sob quietly. Even a self-centered ass like this will wonder what's up.

 

That's when you admit that your long talks are the highlights of each week. That you've grown so close since his divorce. That no one cares for him like you do. That you picture his face each time you and your wife perform nooky. You were scared to say anything because his mail-order bride would cause problems.

 

Part of him will think, "Of course he loves me. I'm SO great!" But by and large, he will get more and more uncomfortable—especially as you subtlly whisper things like, "It's so sexy when you blame others" and "Every time I pass your house those 10-foot weeds make me hard down there." Basically any of his crappy traits/behaviors. He will soon avoid you, and be so affected that he'll repair everything that could possibly attract you to him. You're free of boredom, he's helped, WIN! You're welcome.