The Skillz Report

 

Doug And Martin Whitmore Ain't Got NOTHIN' On Him (March 31, 2016)

 

Another SVU Night Vision—this time, the crime is a blond female twin playing tricks on her family inside a mansion. Since we can't tell which twin is the victim thanks to the prankster, we haul Dad in for questioning and easily get him to incriminate himself—apparently, all these years the twin sister was him in disguise. Now that takes a very long period of dedication. (Google the title reference, then watch the movie if you haven't. It'll make sense.)

 

Skip to the Staples Center, where Lamar Odom has been invited to watch one of Kobe Bryant's final games—and is put into the game for old time's sake. Out of the NBA for three years and battling health issues IRL recently, Odom's body looks misshapen and scrawny; he struggles to even catch passes and seems almost like he'd never played basketball before. He is mercifully pulled from the game, given a standing ovation, and goes to sleep on the bench.

 

 

It Was Not An Applause Sign, Either (March 29, 2016)

 

What starts out as me fixing a sign in a barn for some city staffer ends with me singing Eric Clapton's "Layla" to a standing ovation in that very barn.

 

 

Playing VERY Hard To Get (March 27, 2016)

 

Out with an IRL former friend I'll call "Shannon", she suddenly morphs into the wife of another IRL friend...and essentially mounts me at the 1250. Odds of this happening IRL: less than those of Jimmy Carter beating up Ray Lewis. I leave and take a number of rifle boxes that are apparently just lying around out with me. A cop witnesses it all...but doesn't do anything except mean-mug me.

 

Lastly, a wild skip: I've decided I want to get with Lisa Stemple (Mad About You; she's the sister of Helen Hunt's character). But I will not sneak her phone number out of her sister Jamie's phone. I consider offering her a smoke to break the ice, decide against it, then simply approach her. She responds by running off quickly. Oh, well.

 

 

 

And Keep Your Kid Outta The Clubhouse (March 26, 2016)

 

A number of baddies are forcing my participation in a "game", which consists of playing the Adele "Hello" tune on a giant keyboard. Unfortunately for me, the sounds won't always play and I keep getting thrown to the baddies as punishment.

 

Things perk up with a skip to me walking down the street and passing a strip mall church—with cookies inside! I enter under the premise of visiting Karen Stanley, my former IRL pastor. Even though she remembers me...I get no cookies. Bummer.

 

Lastly, we take a trip back to 1993. Giants third baseman Matt Williams goes to his manager Dusty Baker and offers to serve as catcher. Dusty tartly tells him to worry about third base; Williams retires in response and I tearfully salute him for some reason.

 

 

NWM (March 19, 2016)

 

Nothing really worth mentioning, unless you count Peg Bundy unsuccessfully trying to repair the kitchen toilet. Yes, kitchen toilet.

 

 

It Was Just That GOOD (March 18, 2016)

 

Along with the whole cast of How I Met Your Mother, I am performing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey in the parking lot of my mom's apartment complex. Jason Segel is so pumped up afterward he begins to cry; I'm horrified to discover my entire gut became—and stayed—exposed during the show somehow.

 

 

And Let Me Guess: Then We Both Shower TOGETHER, Right? (March 17, 2016)

 

In the locker room of my old middle school, I watch NBA Classic Games with several of "my" NBA teammates and coach Lamar Odom. We marvel over "normal" Dennis Rodman then head out to practice. Near the outdoor courts, a pair of groupies are working hard to get our attention, with little success. A moat is nearby, and one of them even feigns drowning to get noticed. At least she seems to be faking. Either way, we are unconcerned.

 

 

Just How Did Hope GIVE You The Cold, And Is There Video? (March 16, 2016)

 

I'm visiting the home of a female friend from way back, "Sam". And though Sam shares this home with her husband, I'm cuddling with her on the couch and smooching her every few minutes without resistance as we watch former Oakland Athletic Justin Duchscherer's major league comeback on TV. She steps outside; soon hubby returns, and a ballgame with Hall-of-Famer Pedro Martinez breaks out in the driveway.

 

Confident I can hit Pedro, said confidence wanes when I find my bat bloated and broken on the ground. (Why it's even there at all is a mystery.) With me using hubby's bat, Pedro attacks with nasty changeups and blazing heat even though he's using a tennis ball. I stay alive, but before the at-bat completes...

 

...skip to some random warehouse zone. I'm walking down an access road trying to leave when Maya Rudolph passes me on her way up. I don't think much of it until other celebs make their way past—they seem headed to some gala in the warehouse. Heather Tom of The Bold And The Beautiful makes her way past and I go gaga. She's very nice and warns me not to get too close because of her cold "Thanks, Hope Solo!" Though Solo has a bitchy reputation, she's also nice and makes a playful face in response to Tom. I surprise smooch Solo and am not punched! Must be my day.

 

Tom's even willing to pose for a selfie with me, but somehow the pic shows my daughter and not me. Oh, well. Enjoy the gala.

 

 

You Just Proved Their Point, John (March 15, 2016)

 

I ride my "two-wheeled unicycle" to Highland School near the 1250, but don't lock it up, and it's swiped. Annoyed, I walk to the 1250 to find my uncle wearing my wig, which is now ruined because he doused it in Activator. Now super-annoyed, I flip on the TV—a video game tournament is being broadcast. It's run by NBA star John Wall, who has time on his hands because the Washington Wizards have deactivated him, implicitly for playing too many video games.

 

 

An Audience Is An Audience (March 12, 2016)

 

A touch football game is underway on a school sidewalk. I'm QB, and a dude unseen by me IRL in 20 years is incensed at my wide receiver taking so long to line up. I complete two short passes and hear a huge rip in my crotch—but fortunately it's just my boxers, not my pants, and I can continue. Next, I throw deep to Night Court star Markie Post near the goal line; for some reason she's reluctant to score but finally does.

On the next play, I run back an interception for a touchdown, slow-juking several eight-year-olds in doing so. That'll teach them to be so young!

 

On the big screen (what the hell school needs a big screen?), President Obama appears and warns the dangers of...Pepboys. We're being watched, he says. Thanks, prez.

 

 

You Think THAT Sausage Is Good?... (March 11, 2016)

 

Details of the opening segment made a lightning-fast escape from my memory, which may be for the best since I woke up an hour into slumber literally shaking from them—all I remember is a horrible explosion being involved.

 

Later, I'm watching (or in) some show where members of the casts of The Young & The Restless as well as Walker, Texas Ranger have teamed up to run a police department. (Interestingly, Nia Peeples, who starred in both shows, is not present.) Right there in the station, punks arrive and pick on Jack Abbott's kid, leading to a fight that Jack doesn't even notice two feet away from him.

 

A tag scene shows three separate cops asleep at the wheels of three separate cars late at night, though none crash and the scene is played as if they are trained to drive while asleep. (If this possibility exists IRL, Google X could take a huge hit.)

 

After the show, I find myself eating a pizza in public and reading an article—a father rejected his teen daughter's advances, so she protested by banging drums until 2:42 a.m. Dad immediately went to neighboring apartments to apologize, blaming his presence on "the border being closed". In the wake of this article, I suddenly worry people will accuse me of using the pizza to lure minors, and ditch the whole thing. (For the record, all I had before bed was orange juice, people.)

 

 

And I Agreed To This? (March 10, 2016)

 

My bud Ed is gettin' wed—our other buddy Cav decides to "line me up" (neatly cut my hair) for the occasion, even though IRL he is grossly unqualified to do so. Not only doesn't he line me up, he leaves my whole head misshapen and riddled with patches. I immediately drive to Target for my own clippers and a hat, shake hands with Ronald Reagan as he exits a limousine, and end up detouring into an arcade.

 

This game is part SkeeBall, part mini-golf—one must roll a hard ball up a hill/ramp in a way that it rolls back down into a hole. Sucking miserably at first and endangering other patrons, I get the hang of the game just as a special needs man decides to perch himself right on my ramp. Not willing to risk harming the dude, I roll a bunch of coins up and down the ramp and win $8 cash anyway.

 

 

What Did He Want, My Icy-Hot? (March 9, 2016)

 

Martin is on; the group is at the airport, stuck in a chaotic ticket line with dozens of others. Martin flips into his "Jerome" persona in an effort to speed things up, but the crowd (of mostly Caucasians, ironically) riots when he's exposed as a fraud and no real services are being performed. The crowd escapes the area and splits up, with hilarity allegedly ensuing over their difficulty reconnecting in the massive structure.

At episode's end, the group appears on a pizza box in a pizzeria ad with this tagline: "Unlike Seinfeld, WE don't harm pigs!" The ham clearly seen on the pizza is not explained.

 

Later, I show up at my aunt's old apartment—which is still furnished and occupied by my cousin for some reason—because I want some ice cream. My cousin explains that my apartment was almost broken into by a "weird couple" who didn't know I was there; the couple was sent by Victor Newman, legendary The Young & The Restless character. Not explained: how the hell my cousin knew this.

 

 

Maybe We Didn't Think This Through (March 7, 2016)

 

The World Series is on TV, and shortly after Dave Stewart almost hits a home run, the camera pans to show several cars intentionally plowing into a fire truck outside the stadium. The lead driver, an immigrant activist who somehow believed this would help his cause, dies, and I'm interviewed along with the arrestees (even though I only watched on TV). Somehow, I'm worried about losing my license by speaking to the press.

 

 

Thanks For Not Pulling Up The Carpet (March 5, 2016)

 

Outside my complex, in a chair placed in the grass,  a random black chick with exczema sits doing absolutely nothing except feeling sorry for herself. I sit with her and we start to draw pictures. Next thing I know I'm inside my apartment where a crucial NBA playoff game is underway.

Just to be clear, I don't mean TV—it's underway in my modest apartment. Shaq, out of retirement for the playoffs, breaks one of the rims with a dunk, and league officials decide to play half-court for the rest of the game. 

 

 

Adult-Safety Locks Needed (March 4, 2016)

 

My buddy Jorge and I are driving downhill in separate cars, when I somehow fall out and roll down the hill onto some large, well-landscaped property owned by somebody who resembles Amy Schumer. Amy's husband is the soap/commercial actor John Rue, but not happily. Amy is nice; inside her house we talk about what happened when I decide to smooch her—just as Rue heads downstairs. Though he quickly shows why his wife hates him, he witnesses nothing. Boy, does my timing suck.

 

Out by the pool, a brisk-walking Latina lawyer (apparently summoned by the couple) shows up—she wants me to absolve the couple of any liability for any injuries suffered on their property by signing a toy rubber football. I'm about to when Amy orders the lawyer to get actual paper first.

 

 

Umm...Don't They Have U-Turns For That? (March 3, 2016)

 

A radio host I formerly listened to is in the sky giving advice to audience below—including me in my car. I'm stopped uphill on a busy road as a car reverses downhill past me on my right at an unsafe speed. It crashes, and audience members run for their lives even though none of them are within 200 feet of the wreck and no explosion is imminent. Maybe the host had been advising them to embrace their inner cowards???

 

 

 

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