The Skillz Report
MLB. NBA. Baseball Cards. Advice. Drunk Jon...and more.
© 2014 by TheSkillzReport.com. Proudly created with Wix.com
As One Leaves, Another Heaves (October 2, 2018)
We begin with my uncle asking me to turn my music down as he does it himself. I go to make pancakes but find some old, unclean ornament in the flour—and RAGE, as it's now unusable. Only a girl-on-girl smooch from the INV show "Gone Girl" brings me back to my senses (well, that and a guy who looks EXACTLY like a young Murdock from The A-Team.)
Skip to high school football; I'm a kick returner on the move, and present-day John Elway is right alongside me, clad in suit and bitching about his financial troubles. I end up returning the kick about 60 yards but am stopped 10 yards short of the end zone...cue halftime.
The locker room is co-ed, and I wind up changing next to soap star Christel Khalil. A custodian tries to bill me for use of the locker, but I obviously dismiss her and decide to quit school altogether.
On my farewell tour, I see an old elementary classmate, Jamar, still age 6 and glad to see me. Unfortunately, a few rows up sits present-day Jamar, and he's now a total reprobate, slouched down and chewing on some unidentified object.
Skip to my version of The Office. I'm a new employee, hired just in time to witness an Indian employee and an East Asian employee arguing in heavily-accented, broken English about god knows what. The first guy grabs his stuff and quits, shouting "I'm done with you bitches!"
I meekly utter "I haven't even met you, dude." He introduces himself, shakes my hand, but doesn't take back the insult before storming out.
Shortly after, I'm seated at a table with a few colleagues (from the show). We're discussing what makes us puke; for Roy, it's the mere thought of puke—as he immediately proves by upchucking a few ounces on my chest and face. I immediately hit the floor and go into semi-catatonia.
Able to move and think, but not speak or change expressions, I try two different bathrooms to clean up, but neither is open. Michael and Jim offer to walk me—still wearing barf—to an off-site bathroom...but it turns out to be a prank; the room is actually an arcade. They run off laughing, and I'm still coated in puke and unable to speak.
Now in a spacious grassy park, I snap and start ramming people at random until tracking Michael down. I force him to smell my puke shirt until HE, too, pukes all over me and himself. I find the time to toss a 7-foot robot villain into the bay before the vision mercifully ends.
Now THAT'S Detailed Programming (October 3, 2018)
After a load of General Hospital stuff, things shift to me working construction and inadvertently tying up traffic on the freeway. As a "remedy", I'm instructed to close two nearby on/off ramps for no reason, which expectedly has no positive effect on the clog.
So I'm sent down below street-level where all our construction stuff is kept; some random goon is masquerading as ex-major leaguer Rick Manning, even though he's not even the same ethnicity. But he helps me find the equipment I'm after.
Somehow, as I return to street-level, two women mistake me for a doctor and I play along: "I get patients cuz I'm cheap." Though I mean my services are cheap, they think I mean I'm frugal with spending and quickly lose interest. With nothing to lose (except my freedom, possibly), I follow one of them with the goal of "examining" her, but lucky for BOTH of us, her pals arrive and I retreat.
Things wrap with Barry Bonds being mean to two of his teammates in a Playstation game.
STAY BACK! I'll Serve You Silly! (October 1, 2018)
I'm at some indoor event, sent to recover someone's lost purse. Ever the perv, I make sure to "accidentally" brush against several attractive legs as I reach around the ground for it. No kicks, no slaps, AND I find the purse! Hallelujah.
Next, MLB Hall-of-Famers George Brett and Dave Winfield get hit in the helmet by pitches, and follow that up by crying over the late Yankee owner George Steinbrenner rather than writhing in pain.
Skip to my INV new job; I'm nearly hit by a train on the first day, then find stuff missing from my rental car. Worse than both of those things: I'm working closely with a dude who has ZERO idea how to collate, or what the word even means.
I then find myself outside the 1250—some random scuzzy wants money and is offended when I refuse. "WHAT'S YO' BEEF?" he asks. "EVERYBODY ALWAYS ASKS ME FOR MONEY!" I grunt. Surprisingly, he sympathizes. Inside, my mama warns me about the weather as if she has inside information, then demands I write down the beggar's name. I do—and she has already forgotten why ("What the hell is that?!").
We wrap with me announcing (from memory) as many New York Yankees retired numbers as I can, and being praised by ex-manager Joe Torre (retired #6). Afterward, I insult a bitch's weight and prepare for retalliation by waiting alone with a bat and tennis racket (?) until the vision finally ends.
Delayed Twins (October 19, 2018)
We begin with my mom arriving at the 1250 driving Kitt (the car from Knight Rider); the garage mysteriously opens and slowly sucks the car inside, without any prompting/warning. I have to randomly mash on buttons to stop it. No one is harmed.
Inside, all is well when suddenly everything goes quiet and still...quake time. Through the hard shaking, my family and I hold steady (except my uncle, who sleeps through the whole thing and accuses me of making it up).
I grab a flashlight and begin surveying the damage, which is mostly broken glass and broken lamps. In our dining room, I can hear (but not see) the Oakland Athletics broadcasters playing some version of ping-pong pinball on the floor—it looks fun, but I continue on downstairs.
There, I find a two-year-old Josie sleeping, which is odd, since present-day Josie is upstairs. I bring the baby up and position her side-by-side with her older version, hoping for a photo. But when I snap it, baby Josie vanishes into thin air. Oh, well, at least I still have one.
Skip to me watching a Bernie Mac movie with my ex. In the film, Mac's nephew has the power to teleport others, so when Mac waits outside his building to surprise the nephew, he is repeatedly teleported back up to his 6th-floor balcony. (The last time, he drops his wallet, and two lowlifes eerily peruse through the nudes Mac was carrying before stealing his credit card.)
Mac winds up in a police lineup, where somehow all of the subjects are identified and thrown in jail...rough times.
Following this, my ex fumes at me for being grossed out by a gay love scene, then blames me for her not getting on Jeopardy (?).
How About Some Chill Pills? (October 17, 2018)
On the set of some show, I suck up to Craig T. Nelson, telling him I liked The District but wasn't really into Coach. As he walks past me, he morphs into Tom Selleck—but still announces "You can still see The District on Channel 43!" before entering an open-air bar.
In the bar, IRL friend Brett wants me to supply him pills, and is slightly agitated about it. Privately, I try to ask a few questions but he ditches me, returns to our group, and starts to be a nuisance until two other buddies sit on him. Meanwhile, from another area of the bar, I spot security descending on someone and correctly assume it's Brett—he's dragged away in cuffs, much to everyone's relief. One pal even draws a picture of the scene.
As I hear the details (and "accidentally" brush my face against the legs of one guy's INV girlfriend), Brett is soon let go for some reason—one more time, he tries soliciting pills and seems ready to hit me if I don't immediately comply. Just then, two young Asian women approach him with interest...until he pukes all over one of them without a word.
Also, Kyle Schwarber and Kris Bryant of the Chicago Cubs hit fly balls to me in center field. I catch zero.
Egon? He Gone (October 16, 2018)
Just me raging over a Ghostbusters movie with Egon (played by the late Harold Ramis) edited out, save for some scenes with the unexplained back of his head. Me: "HOW WOULD THEY HAVE BUILT ALL THIS WITHOUT EGON?!!"
McPranked (October 15, 2018)
At the outset, I'm a sports reporter set to interview former MLB star Kevin Mitchell—I'm supposed to have him compare himself to contemporaries Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. I show McGwire his own baseball card and he denies it's him, embarrassing me on-camera until he finally admits to pulling my leg.
Next, a woman has tragically died on TV...only to end up on our recliner. Turns out she's not dead, but is visually impaired—she wants to drive her and her toddler son home with Josie to keep the son company. Obviously, I offer to drive instead (which was her plan from the get-go).
We visit Panda Express, where one of the staffers confuses the woman by taking her order from the lobby rather than behind the counter she's facing...meanie.
Skip to Derek Fisher lauding the relative ease of his career playing with Kobe: "I only had to stay in shape and act right."
Things close with me and my mama as a delivery team; I find Christmas stuff already out at some stops, and swipe it out of disgust (even as I deliver more).
Brown, Brown And More Brown (October 11, 2018)
After Josie and I rap to some upbeat instrumental, I enter my neighbor's apartment uninvited, for no reason. Obviously, they're wantin' answers—the best I can come up with is wanting to see a hydraulic truck only visible from their window.
Next, my late uncle returns from the dead, but with his hand disabled a la Bob Dole. He allows random children to play with it for money. Skip to me doing a #2 in my childhood closet; the wall eventually collapses and naturally, people gawk. I try covering my entire person with a plank...fail.
Next, I find myself walking lost thru a dark, uphill parking lot, yelling at a driver for having headlights off. Eventually, I find the way out—a narrow, dark, sloping tunnel. I'm FREE at last...until a freakin' UPS truck with no headlights tries squeezing through the tunnel. I barely avoid squish...then the truck stops and I briefly think I'm about to be murdered...
...until one last skip. I'm stopped at a light when ex-Padres catcher Benito Santiago, equipped with a back brace, starts yelling at a loitering gang from the center of the road. He eventually grabs a member and slings him by the ankles into the side of a building...but another thug grabs Santiago's junk and a stalemate ensues. End visions.
"I'm Having Problems With My...STOOL!" (October 4, 2018)
It's a Beverly Hills, 90210 reunion, beginning with Brandon and Andrea reenacting a love scene unprompted. I Instagram a screencap of the TV listing "Season 3-8: Best TV EVER."
An episode starts with a school administrator cancelling a high-effort class project at the last minute—one that would have somehow benefited the students. His colleague offers to fund it himself "for the kids" but the answer is still no, angering Brandon.
Brandon finds a downtrodden Dylan off-campus, blames him for the cancellation, and beats him up without even giving him a chance to rebut. Later that night, Dylan intentionally gets his boat towed and stows away into town, ending up at a billiards hall.
Attack Of The Clones? (October 6, 2018)
Not much, just me getting into a "fight" with Aussies talking like Bitch Stewie from Family Guy.
He does not see a young banger-type ask the tow truck driver what his watch says, then fire a gun in his direction demanding info on his last passenger. The dude finds Dylan, and is promptly killed by he and Brandon—who'd just reconciled with his friend.
I become Brandon, and we decide to discard our billiards receipts ("proving" we were never there), then book it in opposite directions. In the dark, I try to keep a low profile in case the banger has buddies nearby...but spot an intoxicated, slutty-dressed Donna staggering around. After internally debating whether to help her or stay hidden...I choose the latter and end up in some store.
Inside, I'm shot at thrice, then surrounded by more bangers. Me: "What can I say or do to stay alive?" The dudes say nothing and start marching me outside; on the way I spot hair clippers and say "Oh, I have one like that from Black & Decker." They don't care. Outside, I kill all three of my captors one-by-one, bludgeoning and/or strangling them with a barstool. End vision.
"AND THE CROWD GOES...silent." (October 23, 2018)
Outside of the 1250 at night, my uncle is about to drive my car without asking, warning, anything, so I invite myself along. We get about two blocks away and he's arrested out of nowhere. Back to the 1250 I go, where my pantless adult cousin needs a ride to the ER...such is life in the Skillz family.
Skip to a classroom—with a bed—where we watch some high school drama on TV. Us students eventually become My Little Pony characters, but rather than express concern over the change, I decide to rant about Barry Bonds leaving the MLBPA licensing program 15 years ago.
Next thing I know, I'm searching my closet for fitting boxers, find them...and wet the floor. Classic.
From there, I make a great TD catch in some NFL game, talk plenty of smack, but then see a painful injury and decide to retire on the spot. After watching a cute redhead move boxes outside a medical building, I find myself in the library challenged with striking out MLB's Boog Powell. I fire, in order, a fastball strike, a low fastball, a low curve, another fastball strike, then put him away with a nasty changeup after he says "LEMME SEE THAT BREAKING BALL!"
Things finally end with the cast of The Cosby Show conferring about Bill. Sabrina LeBeauf (Sondra) goes on a Claire-esque rant with crazy rolled eyes I cannot bear to watch.
Flames And Snow (October 26, 2018)
It's my high school graduation day and I'm bringing Construx to the event!
Well, I was going to bring it, until I step outside and discover the car on fire. I'm not about to lug the stuff on foot.
Somehow, during my walk, I end up in a car anyway and head to the local recycling center...but don't have the recycling, of course. Returning to the 1250, the car vanishes, so I start walking to school. On the way, a Kaiser Permanente rep starts her pitch, asking "how she could help me". Me: "You could help me right now by not blocking the sidewalk." She moves out of the way....but instead of school, I arrive at a baseball card shop.
I sort thru old commons, pay, then exit—remembering to smooch the cute, chubby blonde who worked the register. With nothing better to do, I goof off across the street with ex-Giant J.T. Snow, jumping off and hanging from whatever's around. Eventually, we sit and wait for the bus.
The blonde from earlier is off work and walking to her car; I want to approach her but Anthony Edwards is lurking around the trees, clearly interested in her as well and obviously prepared to impede me. I hate you, Dr. Greene...
Offended? At Being Called YOUNG? (October 24, 2018)
Playing against the A's, the rookie visiting right fielder turns his ankle on the warning track TWICE, yet A's RF "Richard Dreyfuss" easily makes a play in the same spot.
As the A's trot off the field, Nick Nolte fills me in on who the actor Richard Dreyfuss is, since I wouldn't remember their film Down And Out in Beverly Hills. Me: "It was only one generation ago." Then as the visitors take the field, I taunt "Who's down and out NOW?"
After the game, I pass a melancholy Reggie Jackson chillin' against a trash can and bump fists with him before heading to my INV job as a dishwasher for Weezy Jefferson. She compliments me and hands over my paycheck as I work, but berates a group of immigrant workers and makes them wash every dish over again.
Skip to Michael Jackson and I looking for a scary street to film "Thriller" on; we end up in a toy store performing the song together as we travel the aisles. Upon finishing, I buy a CD wallet for the Corinthos family of General Hospital.
McMobsters (October 27, 2018)
We begin with me doing a radio show where I compare everything to spaghetti, regardless of the topic. Afterward, I tend to my HUGE fishtank, which has a bee somehow swimming in it. One of my fish slaps it around a bit before I finally extract it.
Next, I find myself walking thru the 707 watching a bully demonstration—the bully puts his hands on a kid who quickly snaps his wrist in self-defense. I bump into an old classmate who suggest dating; I reject her because she was in 2nd grade when I was in 3rd grade.
I end up joining a mobster for a meeting with some other wiseguy; he tells me to remain quiet throughout. I'm fed a burger during the meeting, and afterward when I stumble on an uneven stair, the wiseguy feeds me another (as if to shut me up about the stair).
We're due at a bigger mob meeting and told to bring food; I supply that second burger while everyone else shows up with trays of food....gulp. Inside the meeting room are a couple dozen regular-looking folks—Woman A asks Woman B about her check-cashing job but is given little info, as she seems shifty. Woman A then asks to use Woman B's Bluetooth connection to watch the World Series (?)
I take a seat and am quickly asked by an Anthony Andersen-looking dude about MY career. I let him know my career ended due to a knee injury and that I wanna lose 100 pounds like...Anthony Andersen.
STOP! Grammertime! (October 29, 2018)
I'm hosting dinner with a load of guests; we're about to down shots when liquid spills everywhere—soda, water, booze all finds its way to my table and floor. Naturally, I eject everyone from the premises.
Once alone, I see a Facebook post—some people (including two I know) are trapped in a locked library after hours. I call 911, and somehow enter the library myself as a crew breaks down a wall to free the group. (What, nobody has KEYS?)
Next, I'm Goofy, taking my dirty laundry across a high school campus. There's holes in the bag and clothes constantly fall out, but I trek on down a 1/3-mile road, eventually reaching the home of Christina Applegate. I ask how to reach the main road (where my car is), and she pleasantly but firmly instructs me to go back the way I came and find the other way...ugh.
So back I go, passing a ballfield where old friend LT is trying to catch baseballs two-handed behind his back. At this point, I decide to stash the laundry until I find the car.
Continuing on, I enter a watch store staffed with Kelsey Grammer—once I share my budgetary limitations, I hear Grammer's boss instruct him to "SQUEEZE (ME) DRY!" Grammer goes on to rhyme instructions for the watch I'm examining ("Just like all men...you can set it to ten")
Skip to me, my mom, Josie, and a friend in Sunnyvale, CA, stuck at a long red light. As we wait, a baby carriage tips over in the crosswalk, but all I care about is the light changing. It finally does, and as we zoom down the expressway, a pumpkin rolls UPHILL and smacks our windshield. Mercifully, no damage...or so it seems.
We pull over so I can pee; at the bar, I laugh with LT and another old pal Shavonce about Charles Barkley amputating his own finger and eating it before rejoining my crew—the friend has been replaced with a young man in a wheelchair accompanied by a spare wheelchair.
We all prepare to catch the bus. Said bus is driven by IRL bud Fleazoe, who pulls the old stop-and-go trick three times before finally letting us board the bus, lugging the wheelchairs and delaying the other passengers. Only THEN does it dawn on me—what happened to the car? Mama only says the car was "damaged". I completely fall apart, wailing and pounding the seats in full tantrum mode "NOW EVERYTHING IS RUINED!!!"
It turns out the car was damaged when ex-NFL quarterback Rich Gannon hurt himself while celebrating a touchdown somebody else scored (?) And that friend from earlier? She's seen hosting her own tissue therapy/breathing show...at least one of us had a happy ending.
That Cereal's Gonna Taste Funny (October 31, 2018)
Things kick off at Costco; because I can't find the milk, I barge in line and buy a 24-pack of Coca-Cola. Yep...logic test passed.
On the way out, a larger gal greets me by name, which wouldn't be troubling if we'd ever met before. Not positive I could overpower her if required, I book it without a word (looking like a total fool to everyone else. And not caring.)
After explaining to my uncle why JFK never lost an election to Barack Obama, an episode of Law & Order: SVU begins. Stabler's daughter Maureen is in France smooching with some dude Emil...who has no interest. A spectator somehow sends a live feed to Stabler, who immediately starts heading to France.
A cartel arrives and takes 10 hostages, including Maureen, who's taken to a giant lizard paid to squeeze her to death over the next few weeks. Maureen escapes the lizard and complains to a cartel boss about failing at everything in life...including being a hostage. When she notices the boss taking notes, she rattles off clues to her whereabouts, which are noted as well—and somehow accessed by Stabler in a plane overhead.
Another thug drives the remaining hostages; via phone he tells the boss "Forget about the money...I got 10-on-1 here!" Despite that, he takes the hostages to a small beach and has two Chinese teenage girls execute everyone—except Emil, who for religions reasons insists on not being murdered until he's made proper burial arrangements. He heads to a nearby chapel, where he's joined by...ME.
Escaping through the chapel, we dodge bullets until Stabler's plane arrives, with the Pink song "What About Us" blaring from it. Unfortunately, I awaken before Stabler unleashes his awesomeness upon the baddies.
Check The Whale! (October 30, 2018)
It's Seinfeld; Jerry, George and Kramer are walking along logs in a golf course pond in search of a famous ball. As one would expect, a stray shot hits Kramer in the head and knocks him into the water. The ball's impatient owner is only concerned about retrieving the ball.
I give Elaine a "surprise hug" after the show, as if we're cool like that. She, however, is taken aback and I'm then practically ordered by an elderly woman to wait for her while she uses the toilet. Me: "You want me to do something? You ask. I don't take orders from you." Upon entering the restroom, I can hear the woman arguing with another over who's using the open stall—the delay causes her to soil herself, and as she's being comforted outside by her husband, my cousin announces "She had an accident!" Uh...thanks.
Skip to me in high school; I take my seat and it instantly roller-coasters me around the room. Aw, hell no.
Things wrap with Josie and I on a walk; some random girls want to play with her so I sneak everyone into Alex's nearby house and turn them loose. Only then does it dawn on me: I should probably tell Alex about this.
Night Visions, October 2018
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
2019 Archive: Current Month
2018 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2017 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2016 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2015 Archive: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2014 Archive: May June July August September October November December
(Dates of awakening listed)