The Skillz Report

From Being Burned To...Catching Heat (May 31, 2014)

 

Round 1 begins with me embedded in an episode of Burn Notice; I can't extract the details from that but eventually I am transported into a MLB game. I am catching Nolan Ryan and the single-worst broadcaster in league history, Tim McCarver, is umpiring behind home plate.

 

Despite having continual trouble getting my glove and mask to fit properly, I'm able to handle all of Ryan's heat, and McCarver doesn't screw up even as I insult his broadcasting on every pitch. For some reason, no batter ever swings; eventually we're forced to watch an interview with Robin Ventura, who was famously headlocked by The Express after charging the mound 21 years ago.

 

 

How I Met Two Brothas (May 30, 2014)

 

Right before bed Josie began peppering me with questions about "class", so naturally the setting of my first vision is high school (though all the students are adults). One chick is a little...opinionated, but no one has the guts to call her on anything. When she steps outside, the rest of the class chirps about her. The instant she returns, I tattle—"They were all talking about you." She says "I know,", and the room clears out in fear.

 

Since everyone else is gone, I clear out too. In the parking lot, one of my angry classmates calls ME out for being a coward. Reminding him he's accusing me of cowardice when he's about to drive away in terror does nothing. I make my way out of the HUGE parking lot, then somehow end up on foot where my cousin Raishaun intercepts me with a comically lame joke.

 

I make my way home to watch How I Met Your Mother. Ted is recapping how their group spiraled out of control in size as everyone got new significant others and a couple of black guys started hanging out with them (including Marlon Wayans). Marshall's new girl is so obsessed with plastic surgery that, finally, she emerges with an actual paper face with parts drawn on.

 

A black girl (who was dating Ted) gets in a fight with Lily, prompting the maid (?) to declare, "She HAD to fight. You know how bad she woulda looked if she screamed and the white girl didn't?"

 

Though jealous when she interacts with other dudes, Barney is in an open relationship with some whore who apparently used to date Ted (and tells him they can still share toothbrushes). 

 

 

Not EVEN "If You Asked Me To" (May 29, 2014)

 

Throughout tonight's vision, the backdrop is some (fictional) movie starring Gillian Anderson, an old guy and a kid. At some point Cameron Diaz (playing a singer) falls down some steps while escaping an abuser, but other than that the fake film is fragmented.

 

An old friend of mine from way back is driving me somewhere as Celine Dion plays in his ride (awkward). We eventually end up at my mom's house, where he promptly climbs in bed with her as a toddler would. Ohhh-kaaaay.

 

I make my way down the hall to my old bedroom, where I'm overcome with the urge to pee. Without enough time to make it to the john, I let loose in a nearby box. Naturally, when I go to empty said box, clumsy me pours it all over my arm.

 

 

You Can't Just Go By Stats (May 27, 2014)

 

I'm a bus driver, sent to pick up an elderly woman (name and destination unclear). After doing so and escorting her to my ride, Idris Elba (again!), reprising his role of "Charles" from The Office, and I have a brief exchange after which he (100% falsely) accuses me of swearing at him! His charge is so ridiculous I don't even contest it (apparently we didn't get along even before this moment.)

 

I encounter him again a few moments later before departing; he's at his desk and I need something near said desk. Realizing he's a dick, I lay it on real thick: "Charles! Your shirt has fallen behind your chair. Would you like me to fetch it for you?" He agrees, and lays it on thick in return: "Do you know (name of some manager)?" Me: "No, never heard of him." Charles suggests I speak to him because I should be promoted; I tell him he, Charles, is far more qualified to be a supervisor than me.

 

Charles' irrational response, muttered loudly enough for surrounding ears: "Hmmmph. You don't even know who (that manager) is, then you say I should have the job—and you thinkin' YOU gon' be a supervisor thinking like that? YOU'RE the one with the loophole!"

 

?????

 

The bus ride starts. It's a 40-footer, the regular city bus size. I only drove one of these briefly IRL, and was terrified enough to never attempt to do so again. Today, however, I have the confidence of 1,000 men. I'm weaving in and out of tight turns until reaching a drop-off point where I can't turn around. Things get weird here—my "co-pilot" turns out to be a Kirk Gibson action figure. I turn to Kirk for help, but he shrugs "I don't know!" before happily parachuting off the bus.

 

The vision ends with me looking up a breakdown of his 1988 statistics, wondering if he truly deserved to be MVP that year.

At this point, I'd like to reiterate that nothing in this section is made up.

 

 

He WILL Be There For You! (May 26, 2014)

 

I am Joey from Friends, "rehearsing" for a project that Monica has me involved in. As often happens in my visions, I then go from being a TV character to watching the character on TV; Monica is selling what could be tacos or ice cream in a cart and she is surrounded by about a dozen people who won't let her leave...until Joey enters the scene and starts feeding fools knuckle sandwiches! He is cleaning house but at last he gets outnumbered...and that's when Ross, accompanied by Jerry and George from Seinfeld (no Kramer?) come to his rescue.

 

They dispatch the remaining troublemakers (although George is nearly thrown out of the window) allowing Monica to go about her day.

 

I decide I want my own ice cream and head to the nearest gas station. Not the kind with a minimart but rather the kind with a "shop" the size of a phone booth. For what reason is a mystery but when no attendant appears, I decide to nap on the floor. When I wake up, still no attendant.

 

But I want an ice cream sandwich! I grab one, drop a buck on the counter and am about to exit when the cashier finally appears—informing me the treat is actually $1.79. End vision.

 

 

A Crappy Meeting. Everyone Was Pissed (May 25, 2014)

 

For some reason I am walking through San Francisco, semi-lost. I find a shortcut up a difficult hill that lands me square in the parking lot of some apartment complex. A trash truck is navigating the compact area; I mistake his positioning for impending departure and am nearly taken out when he backs down the lane I am walking up—only going spread-eagle against the wall saves me.

 

At last, I end up in some motel, possibly the weirdest one ever since it only has two rooms and neither of those rooms have toilets. This is a problem because by now I need a toilet. The first one I find is filled with employees having a meeting. Okay, whatever. I make my way down a hall and find two doors—choosing to enter the rightmost one.

 

Inside is a Russian nurse who is so beautiful I can't help but give her a huge hug. She is totally accepting and directs me to the other door to go potty. Just when I think my woes are over, I find the door will not completely shut on its own; in fact without me pressing against it, it will simply spring completely ajar. As you might imagine, this creates a wiping issue.

 

Somehow the nurse realizes my predicament and from outside the door, reassures me if I can't see her in the bathroom mirror, she can't see me from outside. I'm hardly comfortable but do finally exit with no embarrassing footnotes.

 

Outside, as I'm walking down a path, a rush of folks walk my way. I sidestep them in nearby grass, only to have a short, graying chick with attitude to spare block this avenue as well because the path people are apparently not fast enough for her. I mouth something and we wind up in an expletive war. SGCWA tells me I look like piss shit and salutes me with a particular finger. Oh, well. Better that than the cute nurse watching me go #2.

 

 

Or Maybe More Lipstick Was In Order (May 23, 2014)

 

Had some sleep issues but some recollection is intact. In one vision, I'd returned to an old baseball league of mine from years back. Except now, I was good. One of the stars. Dominant, even, something I never had been at any point IRL. It felt good, but sadly didn't last very long due to my ongoing illness-related sleep woes.

 

Eventually I drifted off again, meeting up with a chick I haven't seen in a while who worked at a restaurant (I'm not sure, but I think it was one of those places where you skate around outside to take people's orders, like Sonic.) I went to give her a kiss and she pulled back, terrified of being fired.

 

Confused, I step inside the restaurant which just happens to be identical to my childhood bedroom. Throwing all logic to the wind, I figure if I move her purse to another area, it'll be cool for us to kiss without her getting in trouble. I awaken before this bizarre rationale can be put to the test. (Man, do I miss that girl, however. Real life SUCKS sometimes...)

 

 

Pros Vs. Joes 2014? (May 20, 2014)

 

Tonight I played defensive back against Brett Butler (a former MLB outfielder). I deflected passes on a short Butler slant route and later on a deep post route. Later, I assumed the identity of ex-MLB catcher Mike Matheny, driving one over the right fielder's head but only reaching first base due to a flagrant lack of hustle. Finally, I played a full-court, one-on-one game of hoops vs. ex-NBA forward Cliff Robinson (we each scored once, which for me may as well be a victory). My jump shot was comically off here and the only basket I managed was from right underneath the hoop.

 

 

Ummm...Doesn't SHE Have A Say? (May 19, 2014)

 

They say drinking juice before bed can cause vivid night visions. I'm here to tell you that drinking chocolate milk before bed can cause violent, bizarre night visions. Throw in a kid whose own nightmares wake you up every 90 minutes or so and you have my night.

 

Vision A) The kids of a family friend, whom I estimate at 14 for the boy and 7 for the girl, are out of control. Specifically the boy, who simply runs roughshod over his dad (who is no pushover himself). At one point I tell the kid "One day, you're gonna wish you hadn't treated your father this way. You're lucky enough to have a good dad. I don't have one at all." He smirks and brushes it off.

 

Later, I find out he's planning to marry my friend Monica, who just happens to be married to my friend Juan IRL and INV. Naturally I aim to stop this by "sealing off" the playground he plans to use (with my body). All it gets me is an attempt at snapping my neck by the punk. He doesn't come close to succeeding, and his dad and I realize the only way to end his reign of terror is to finish him. Things got too weird here for me to describe in a sensible manner. Blame the choco milk.

 

Vision B) I am tasked—by whom, I don't know—with delivering two "couches" (really two cushioned chairs) and some other crap to Discovery Kingdom. Only problem: I have no delivery vehicle. A trucker is kind enough to allow me to throw my haul inside his ride and drive me the mile to the park, free of charge. But when I get there, one of the "couches" is missing. Panicking—for what, I don't know, since I don't know who is telling me to do this—I run back to my personal car, where of course the "couch" mysteriously sits.

 

The adventure ends with me carrying the "couch" inside the parking lot.

 

 

Ryu's Our Neighbor? (May 18, 2014 Nap)

 

Josie and I needed an hour to recover from a long day; we both collapsed on my bed. In my vision I'm in my (what else?) childhood home, which we now apparently share with another family. Through the floor, I'm listening to what sounds like a fighting game character's special moves—"Hadoken" or something along those lines. When I wake up, it turns out I was hearing Josie snoring next to me.

 

Note: a girl who once held my total affection also made a cameo in this dream (via photo album) and now I can't stop thinking about her IRL. Dammit!

 

 

Why Your Pants Down, Boy? You Hot? (May 18, 2014)

 

This vision begins realistic enough—I'm watching porn. Only this porn isn't like the porn I'm privy to IRL; it's far more tailored to my personal preferences, and I'll just leave it at that. As is want to happen, my family interrupts me repeatedly, forcing me to eventually just leave entirely. Stopping was not an option at this point.

 

Next, I am watching a replay of the '08 World Series between the Phillies and...Cardinals? This time, instead of Brad Lidge whiffing Eric Hinske to end it, he induces a double-play grounder from Tino Martinez. The same Tino Martinez who was only with the Cards for one season (2002) IRL.

 

This is followed by a conversation with an uncle about what he feels is the premature retirement of ex-MLB catcher Ivan Rodriguez. Even though IRL he wouldn't know Ivan Rodriguez from Chi Chi Rodriguez.

 

Finally, I'm operating a ferry, about the most absurd setting for a vision I've had since...yesterday. Two teens are trying to stow away on it; I chase them off with two knives, and some gay innuendos for good measure. After a couple dozen passengers have boarded, the ferry breaks from its' dock and jackknifes. Everyone is thrown around, including me, who has to grab onto a rope and pull up to avoid being tossed overboard.

 

When the dust clears, a passenger and I high-five when we realize A) we all survived, and B) we still have our wallets.

I can't make this stuff up.

 

 

From Shooting To Almost Shot (May 17, 2014)

 

Two visions: the first involves my reuniting with—and moving back in with—my ex. For some reason my longtime bud Fleazoe is accompanying me there my first night back. Even though those two have always gotten along, she is highly displeased at me and we get into it. Ultimately, the reunion is over before it begins and we both exit as quick as we came. Perhaps it's for the best.

 

The second: I'm at some hoop courts with a bag of supplies, which I stash and quickly misplace. After a weird sequence where one hoodrat is physically dragging another under the basket I'm trying to shoot at, the courts suddenly convert into some sort of labrynth, for lack of a better description. Some foreign militia is holding myself and a few others captive. When they discover one has been funnelling info to the outside world in a(nother) foreign language, he is grotesquely murdered.

 

I realize I gotta stay on their good side and I do so by admitting my rediscovered bag of supplies contains toothpaste, which is rationed by the guards. The leader forgives me, allows me to keep it and explicitly trusts me from that point forward—which eventually leads to my release. Watching the news afterward, I learn the entire militia has been taken out. How unfortunate.

 

 

Spilled Coffee? That's So HOT (May 15, 2014)

 

I'm watching a fictional episode of Frasier (which hasn't occured IRL for months) where a shirtless Martin is surprised by his young, voluptuous neighbor and stammers out a response in true sitcom style. In the hall outside the Crane residence, another chick is complaining to her friend about meeting the wrong men. At that moment a handsome well-dressed guy somehow spills coffee all over her outfit and she attacks him. As the friend tries to pull her away, she and the man make out. Can't say I've ever seen a woman making out with a guy while another woman tries to drag her away.

 

Next, programming shifted to The Tonight Show, where Jay Leno is enjoying another farewell—except Ryan Seacrest is succeeding him, not Jimmy Fallon. For some reason even Seacrest's dad is participating in the festivities. I hadn't thought about Seacrest or Leno in weeks and have no idea if the former even has a dad.

 

 

Uh, I Hope This Seat Is Free (May 14, 2014)

 

For some reason, Three's Company entered my subconscious. I'll use this space to share the fact that Joyce DeWitt, in the final two seasons of Three's Company, was about as gorgeous a human being as God has ever created. She was in her mid-30's and finally figured out that cotton candy is not a hairdo, and that hair is meant to be cut with scissors, not chopped off with an ax.

 

Tragically, Joyce aged poorly and is not all that attractive even for the 65-year-old she now is. But we'll always have 1984.

 

Also, at one point the A's and Giants were playing in my living room. And I don't mean on TV. Gotta say, the seat I had was great.

 

 

They Wed, He Bled (May 13, 2014)

 

Vision A featured me planting smooches on a bunch of my (female) friends in a grocery store, for some reason. Vision B took me to fictional Port Charles, New York—setting of General Hospital. Due to a series of lies and miscommunications, Sonny Corinthos is locked in his house without a key, unable to warn his ex of pending danger. He is able to drug his captor by sticking a needle in her cheek, and attempts escape.

 

At a wedding across town, people notice his ex is not in attendance as expected. Sonny's enforcer Shawn blames his ex's new beau (played by Idris Elba) who is acting as greeter for the wedding guests. 

 

Shawn storms down to the wedding and stabs the shit out of Elba. He reacts comically, shouting out "NOOOOO!" as if he really, really didn't want to miss the wedding. At some point during this hoopla I am walking up my street about 15 feet behind some woman who instantly assumes I plan to harm her in some way, and I give a riveting speech defending myself and all men with the audacity to be within 15 feet of a woman in public. We're not all rapists! (Some of us just wanna sniff your hair.)

 

 

Face And Ass Book (May 12, 2014 Nap)

 

Unbeknownst to me initially, several of my friends are outside my window (even though it's on the second floor, allegedly) peering in and making fun of me. Once my shower is done I find out they've been commenting about their experience on Facebook. Fairly certain that were this to happen in real life, my friends would catch a glimpse, run, rinse their eyes out for hours and never speak of the moment again.

 

Eventually the dream shifts to me climbing out of some sort of delivery truck which I apparently use as a personal vehicle. My aunt, in her (fictional) capacity with the city, writes me a ticket. I'm not sure of the violation committed but I argue that since the vehicle isn't mine (my roommate apparently leases it out to me) I should not be punished. The vision ends with said roomie and I approaching the front door as I prepare to give him the bad news. WTH?

 

 

How About YOU Cry? BANG! (May 12, 2014)

 

 

I am at the 1250 when Josie saunters upstairs with a bong, one which appears to be in use (my bong knowledge is nonexistant). Angry, I motor downstairs where my family was supposed to be watching her. Several members lounge in a bedroom, all appearing either high or at the very least disengaged from reality. I light into them for allowing my daughter not only near a bong, but to run off with it.

 

During my tirade my aunt says the one thing  you never say to an angry man: "It's okay to cry." I want to smash the bong over everyone's head at that point, I'm so angry. As virtual zombies, however, they simply are incapable of caring. I don't remember what happened next. Maybe that's for the best.

 

 

Two Heads Are Better Than One (May 9, 2014)

 

I am at the 1250 bringing our dumpster to the curb for pickup. A 25-ish chick who borders on hoodrat status passes. I say hello. She starts to walk away before asking for money. I obviously refuse her. She argues, until some Puerto Rican chick emerges on my steps and helps shoo her away finally.

 

At first I'm grateful for the assist, but then it dawns on me: how did the second chick get on my steps? The only way was to have come from the front door. Intruders! She runs back inside as I yell that anyone inside has the count of ten to get out before violence ensues. I cannot find the bat I keep in my trunk so I grab the next closest thing I can find: a disassembled drawer. (If you grew up in my household, you know these were not uncommon to find lying around.)

 

Weapon in hand, I find a Caucasian dude at my uncle's computer. I surprise myself by giving him a solid wallop across the head, KO'ing him. Next, I find another interloper in a nearby bathroom. It's too small for me to enter and give him "treatment"; he knows this and remains inside, taunting me. Somehow I get him to take a step outside (idiot) and then I absolutely cream him with several shots to the dome before Josie wakes me up to feed her.

 

Break into my house? To quote Cedric The Entertainer, "I wish a muthaf---a would..."

 

 

Of ALL The Places, Face (May 8, 2014)

 

 

I am in an episode of Law & Order. Det. Green (me) is investigating some crime at a street corner by photographing the scene. I'm supposed to present my findings to Dets. Briscoe and Logan in order to "pass" my detective test. We are crossing a busy intersection when I stumble over my presentation, and am coldly sent away by an unimpressed Briscoe. Moments later, some large industrial vehicle crashes at the intersection.

 

Three men die and chaos ensues. I (Green) single-handedly take control of the scene and witnesses as Briscoe and Logan look on. One of the men is a city worker, apparently, and the detectives decide to just take him back to the station personally. They casually toss the dead man in the backseat, and allow me a second chance at joining their team.

 

Our next case involves a couple of gangsters opening fire in a courthouse corridor and a gambling teenager who, along with his teen sister, end up unconscious after something crashes into their home, with their four-year-old brother their only hope of survival. Sketchy on the details here, but I do recall the final segment of my vision:

 

The A-Team is on TV, Murdock is driving and Face is in the backseat. He suddenly pukes into Murdock's lap and bare hands. End segment.

 

 

"Oh, Toodles? Call 911" (May 7, 2014)

 

 At the outset, I'm watching an episode of Married...With Children. The entire cast is having a party at the Bundy household; they form a showgirl-type line and begin dancing...until Bud is (intentionally) sent flying into a table. Eventually things calm down, and some random male guest is excited because this is the April Fool's that he will finally get Peg.

 

What he doesn't know: his pranks—which aren't explained but has to do with her shoes—have never worked cuz somehow Peg has always been a step ahead of the guy; whatever he does to her shoes fails every year. IRL, I haven't watched or thought of MWC in many, many months.

 

Skip to a landscaping guy at my old complex wanting to propose to some chick and needing my help uniting them. Long story short, she ends up as a villainess video game character whom I have to defeat. Upon my victory, the chick morphs into Minnie Mouse and crumples to the ground as a devastated Mickey looks on. I'm telling you I can't make this stuff up.

 

 

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