The Skillz Report

 

Steph, Stick To Your Day Job (May 31, 2015)

 

Things begin with me BBQing for a radio show upstairs. Downstairs, I tend to the injured pitcher Ron Darling (who, IRL, has been retired for 20 years) trying to watch the game on TV he's just been removed from. Taking his place on the mound is...Stephen Curry (Curry attended the Giants game tonight IRL, which had to trigger this vision.)

 

Curry is struggling mightily, but his manager Bruce Bochy can't remove him because he's occupied trying to wheel the infirm opposing manager out of Darling's neighboring room. Which wouldn't be so difficult if Bochy was using a wheelchair instead of the guy's hospital bed.

 

 

 

Can I Have My Lips Back, Please? (May 30, 2015)

 

Today, I'm a taxi driver making a pickup at 250 Sacramento Street. It's a care center for special needs people, although random seniors who don't have special needs are just sitting around.

 

"Darrell" says the pickup was supposed to take place that night. He bad-mouths somebody named "Lito" while I just stand there listening. A cute—if slightly ghetto—nurse "likes the new bases" on my Giants shirt as I leave. I begin to head to a new pickup when I decide I want to smooch the nurse goodbye—which I turn the cab around, re-enter, and do. However, she drags the smooch on for so long that I regret returning.

 

 

Breathing New Life Into Newspapers (May 29, 2015)

 

It is FanFest for the Golden State Warriors...at AT&T Park (home of the SF Giants). My mom is annoying the living crap out of me, mostly by constantly bumping and crowding me but also by slurping loudly, knowing nothing about the Warriors even after I've just told her, interrupting the emcees, etc. I even consider leaving early—I'm that ticked. 

 

Skp to some random diner; three waitresses are threatening to not work if a potential fourth (an Indian woman who's just applied but given the cold shoulder by the boss) isn't hired. Suddenly a customer staggers, collapses on the floor with a heart attack, and turns into a newspaper. Yes, you read that correctly. 

I give the paper CPR only to find that nobody ever called 911. Opening the paper, a picture of the now-dead man being hauled off by the medics is front-and-center.

 

Lastly, idiot me puts a cat in a bowl just to scare it. I shut it, with a hole in the lid, and take it outside. But a burst pipe accidentally fills the bowl and drowns the cat. Note I'd NEVER EVER EVER EVER do this IRL. When I want to scare a cat, I just leap from bushes.

 

 

I Can't Watch This S--- (May 28, 2015)

 

I'm chillin' at my cousin's neighbor's empty apartment. My cousin needs help moving, so I generously carry forks for him then return to the apartment. Next thing I know, I'm stuck on the hoop of a Chinese basketball league. My "buddy" Shaq helps me down, and we laugh about old times until a Family Guy episode airs with Stewie dragging around a ridiculously full diaper (so full, in fact, I'm uncomfortable even watching the episode.)

 

After Shaq complains about only having $27,500 in his bank account, I half-jokingly ask him for a Diet Pepsi hookup. He isn't pleased. 

 

Things end with me as a member of The A-Team; I'm confronting a bad guy with a gun through his driver window. But the gun jams, and my backup weapon—a hammer—ends up in the villian's hands. We actually trade weapons back, so naturally he gets my jammed gun to fire and hit me in the hand.

 

 

Hey, Man, Stop Killing Me (May 27, 2015)

 

My cousin and uncle have stolen a car, and I somehow wind up with the evidence. A cop stumbles upon it and figures out I killed someone years ago. In "jail", which is really just a bathroom stall, I witness a mob murder there in the bathroom. The mobster discovers me and shoots me twice in the head...but I don't even feel it.

 

Free somehow, I get in touch with my own old mob group—which is the cast of The Practice along with Chi McBride—and vow to never go against them or sell them out if they help me with my troubles. Things end with a mysterious William Shatner/Kaley Cuoco feud.

 

 

That Was No Accident! (May 26, 2015)

 

I am an incompetent employee of Comcast technical support. After giving some girl aspirin she dropped, I quit, though my supervisor Brian basically ignores me and tries to set me up in another department. I have to quit multiple times walking room to room before I'm heard. Our goodbye consists of a dismissive, over-the-shoulder "Okay bye" from Brian.

 

Walking to my car behind the building, I witness some chick run over "accidentally" three times by a drunk driver—who aside from his perfect advancing and reversing over the woman, can't maintain a speed or direction for more than a couple of seconds in the vast lot.

 

Finally, I'm at the 1250 fresh off an argument with the ex. Some girl with two kids just walks into the house; since I'm too pissed to talk, she just dumps her kids there and the 1250 morphs into a daycare with me as co-staff. But when a kid shits himself, I book it.

 

 

Why Even Build Them, Then? (May 25, 2015)

 

Sacramento is now home. I'm taking a long walk passing a multitude of interesting brothas. One sees me walk by and says to another, "I said a big nigga, not some monkey!" No clue the context. 

In time I get very lost, taking many wrong turns. I pass the River Cats (MiLB) stadium and sit briefly. Four people I know see—and ignore—me, even after I catch a foul ball. Some loser steals a pen from my bag but I'm able to shame him into giving it back. Negotiation skillz.

 

I do finally reach the 4th floor of my building, but the stairs are impassible for "safety". After MUCH effort including run-ins with random weirdoes as well as Turk and Cox from Scrubs, I reach the bottom at last...where my happy ex awaits. Oh, well, at least one of us is happy to see the other.

 

Flipping on the news, Tom Tucker from Family Guy is rallying against gays, urging the crowd that "the United States needs traditional marriage!!!"

 

 

 

I Hope We Just Went Around The Block (May 24, 2015)

 

I'm working at Taco Bell and a customer orders "Fajillas". I can't ring up or make this item, annoying the manager. So—as the script dictates—I strip out of my uniform and quit, taking Josie with me. (Why she's even there isn't explained.) Outside, so many bums are congregated by the entrance that customers won't enter.

So when a park magically appears, the customers start playing full-court hoops...on GRASS. 

 

Next, I'm in the grocery store, and kids are tossing around a football. One tosses to me, and I just let it clang off my body. 

 

Things end with me in a terrorist screening room at the 1250, where an agent informs me I've got 10 minutes to catch a flight...back to the 1250. So I leave most (not ALL) luggage behind and Josie and I depart via car, presumably to the airport.

 

 

Can ANYBODY Stay Upright Around Here? (May 23, 2015)

 

On the tube is an Everybody Loves Raymond blooper reel in which Peter Boyle (Frank) repeatedly falls down. I'm not sure how funny a 70-something man repeatedly falling would be in real life—not very, I'm guessing.

 

Next, I'm working at a pool in some capacity. Elderly Filipino men keep drowning one after the other, requiring removal. Hmmm.

 

Finally, Stephen Curry is at my crib; we decide to go on an impromptu dawn jog. Reaching the street, he vanishes, but I continue to run solo. From behind a blonde with a stroller and a leashed "dog" still somehow manages to pass me. She then promptly falls flat on the ground and the "dog" gets away, and I'm kind enough to inform her. Somehow I wind up jogging into her house ahead of her, quickly showing myself out.

 

Things end with me taking the bus to a side road to continue my run. But the bus WILL NOT STOP even as my fingers ache from using the grip. Damn.

 

 

The Destroya Returns (May 22, 2015)

 

Barely mention-worthy; the Warriors are facing the Rockets in the playoffs. Players keep getting hurt until...Patrick Ewing...has to suit up. The same Ewing who has been retired for 13 years and is now in his 50s.

 

 

How About Back In My Pocket? (May 21, 2015)

 

The 1250 has been torn down and I'm trying to have it rebuilt, but no contractor will take on the job because of the "pipes" and "wires". Strangely, after I speak to the last guy, I go inside the 1250 which has miraculously re-appeared.

 

Skip to the local grocery. I'm attempting to pay, but the cashier—a pharmacist I'd visited IRL earlier in the day—is dreadfully nervous for some reason and can't scan or bag anything properly. Finally I give him the money but he has no idea where to put it.

 

 

Baa-aa-aad Aim (May 20, 2015)

 

At some mystery house with Alex; I need to pee. However, the first burst goes wide left of the bowl and I cannot find it to clean it up—even after 10 full minutes of searching which leaves Alex annoyed. Returning to the living room, her mom drops by for a visit...with a sheep on a leash. Questioned about her companion, Mrs. Branch only says "he needed to be sheared". All right then.

 

 

Sex, Not Checks (May 19, 2015)

 

 

I'm Nick Stokes from CSI, and I've received two checks from Lady Heather (the dominatrix Grissom fixated upon in the show) totaling about $3500. I'm not sure why she'd do this or even if they're real, so I go to Grissom for advice. He wants no part of anything Heather, even after I share all the personal problems she went thru after Grissom left the show.

We wind up in an antique store, and I once again ask Grissom what my next move should be. In so many words, he advises me to have sex with her. (I'd rather have the cash, but whatever.)

 

With a young partner in tow, I return to my investigation, near some small lake in the woods. When we arrive, our exact doubles stand across the lake. The dream ends with the four of us circling each other like Wild West cowboys about to draw.

 

 

She Charmed The Judge. Now Who's The Boss? (May 18, 2015)

 

Some dude who happens to be married to Alyssa Milano is on trial, but the starstruck judge is basically ignoring him (and the case) to pepper Milano with question after question. Slightly weird since he's a dude in his mid-60's. 

 

Skip to my college; I turn in an assignment and my professor arrests me for being a "sexual predator". Is that actually how the law is written?

 

 

Um...Somebody Lied To You (May 17, 2015)

 

The scene: somebody's wedding (like I'd ever be at one of those). All of the guests—including my ex—are gathered onstage to...fake sleep. ??? 

 

Skip to Josie petting a newborn chick; her and another kid are getting reamed out for not "sharing" when my mom shows up in her new "Miata", which is actually a red pickup truck.

 

 

Kicking Myself (May 16, 2015)

 

Not happy. Had a pretty good one tonight but kept putting off writing it down....and putting off...and putting off until I finally forgot it. It wasn't great, but ranked about 7 on a 1-10 scale.

 

 

 

Kid Can Go In...But I Can't? (May 15, 2015)

 

Josie is being babysat in one of those antique four-story elevator-less San Francisco apartments. But when I go to pick her up I'm not allowed inside; the sitter brings her out to the middle of the hallway.

 

Then, I'm playing one-on-one hoops with a former friend, solely for him to impress some chick with his "game". My heart isn't in it at all but he's inspired. But the girl refuses to turn around, coming close many times but never actually facing us. After a while even I begin to get frustrated with the chick, so we both resort to screaming/grunting as we play. She walks out of sight. We're both so caught up with the chick that neither of us knows the score at this point.

 

 

Better Him Than Me (May 14, 2015)

 

I'm at the 1250...but I'm an Iraqi P.O.W. My co-capturee is ordered to clean our whole area in the time it takes me to go outside one door and back in another. Knowing he'll catch hell if he fails, I take as much as time as I can without the bad guys becoming suspicious, but eventually I have to re-emerge. And when I do, things aren't fully clean. He's taken away. Darn.

 

For "winning", my captors tag me with spying on the U.S. and finding out who's watching them. This order is never carried out because I skip to a city swamp area populated by a whale or an alligator. The gator eventually rises out of the muck and chases customers out of a nearby restaurant...on its hind legs. Eventually, he dies from lack of moisture to his eyes. ???

 

 

 

Good Thing She Wasn't Under Arrest (May 13, 2015)

 

I'm watching a (fictional) Seinfeld episode where a neurotic woman in Jerry's apartment is directing all questions to her therapist...but answering them herself before the therapist can. 

 

Next, I'm ordering a car MP3 player. They send some boombox-type contraption—but it does have a car adapter so I can't complain. Along with this, I'm sent a TV tray, footstool, and some other mystery furniture piece. I sit on this piece and discover Royce Clayton is third all-time in Atlanta Braves games played. (IRL, he never played anywhere near Atlanta)

 

 

YOU'RE My Dad Now! (May 11, 2015)

 

I'm a (terrible) NBA point guard who can't shoot for sh**, but do complete one nifty two-handed over-the-shoulder assist. Then I find myself helping my mom buy a car. Outside the dealership are many cars. Inside are...vacuums.

 

Skip to the grocery store frozen-food section. A one-year-old girl is standing around unattended. Mom sees us sharing space and basically walks away unconcerned. When I attempt to deliver the tot, she refuses to let go of my leg and neither of us can break her mighty grip.

 

 

What, Privates Can't Be Fans? (May 10, 2015)

 

Sigh...again, my ex and I are co-habitating. We live at some gated community in which residents are not allowed to enter before 5:52 pm. In order to get to our place, we have to walk through...another guy's place. Once together again, we make it work...for about 30 seconds. Then comes the fighting.

 

Skip; I'm now in the Army. I'm in formation...with my hands in my pockets, wearing a Giants cap and jacket. My seargent is the actor Clifton Powell—Google him, you'll recognize him—and obviously, he's displeased with me. Sometime later, I approach the seargent (who's now white and much younger) and stumble out a resignation. The seargent shakes my hand with jubilation—clearly happy to be free of a crappy cadet.

 

 

Now THAT's Cramped (May 9, 2015)

 

I'm taking some class, but I'm late because my buddy 'Do and I are outside making fun of the teacher. On the way to class, I pass a room with a guy punching the crap out of some chick, but I'm too concerned with being on time to care.

I reach class, get seated...and my shoes and socks simply fall off. Because I was late, I have a crappy, confined seat that doesn't allow for space to put them back on. (IRL, my feet had popped out from under the blanket.)

 

Then comes a skip; I find myself going around smooching people, including some bratty blonde with a toothbrush in her mouth.

 

 

Anthony Mason's Secret Life (May 7, 2015)

 

Watching a Warriors/Magic "playoff game", after which the Knicks' Patrick Ewing—circa 1994—is interviewed. Asked why "his" team lost: "I only had half a dozen points." Asked to speak about the late Anthony Mason: "Anthony Mason was a great basketball player. The guy hit 1,100 home runs for the Cleveland Indians." The reporter, slightly unnerved by Ewing's bizarre answers, asks him about Draymond Green. Ewing replies to this by gyrating around like a robot, apparently mimicking Green.

 

 

Do What? Hold God At Gunpoint? (May 6, 2015)

 

Jerry Orbach stars (with me) as a freaked-out dad whose baby is on life support—at least I think we're acting. He yells at us (his family) to "DO SOMETHING!" to save the baby, and storms out when we all stand around awkwardly. I find him outside, and he sobs apologetically, which is even more awkward.

 

Skip to college. It is Shirt And Tie Day, but for whatever reason I show up sweaty as hell. On the way in, I pass a seated Katy Perry outside the room and kick myself for walking so close to her while funky. (Yeah. THAT'S why she'll never sleep with me.) Things close with two fat wrestling sisters collapsed on top of the ref making out with each other. Don't ask me where it came from. I was asleep.

 

 

Did They Really Have to Choose? (May 5, 2015)

 

So....I'm trying out for a spot on a hoops team I've apparently been on a few years. But I'm sucking miserably, missing every shot I take by a mile. The audition shifts to the softball diamond—same issue. I can't throw a ball straight or field a grounder. 

 

Eventually, my coach walks up to me and shows me a baseball card of MLB Hall-of-Famer Eddie Murray. I correctly conclude Murray has been chosen for the roster over me. Dejected, I thank the coach for "everything" and say my goodbyes to the team before departing.

 

Next thing I know, I'm at some club with Joe Rogan, going on and on about the pain of being cut. Various female black singers from yesteryear, including the Supremes, take the stage—well, except Patti LaBelle, who sees another singer she doesn't like and U-turns back to the dressing rooms.

 

 

Vomit And Puke (May 4, 2015)

 

 

I spent this night barfing my guts out. Sleep? HA!

 

 

Isn't That Really Punishing ME? (May 3, 2015)

 

IMy ex and I live in Motel 6, but are moving out without notice. My estranged father appears on the bed and sits silently as we pack—not unlike the infamous Road House scene. Walking our junk to our cars down the sidewalk, Dad explains why he'd moved into the motel and is still rambling on when a shirt of mine drops from my ex's bag up ahead.

 

An old, battered-looking chick (think Joan Lunden after three years on the street) grabs it and runs off, taunting me but eventually dropping it as I give chase. I punish her by pinning her down and smooching her. 

 

The move continues with my dawgs showing up to help. One of them (Dave) brings his dawg; I introduce myself and ask his name. His response: "Dave knows my name." I immediately boil over and kick him out of my room (even though he's not in yet). It turns out I promised my dawgs porn for their help, so we all sit in the room indulging for quite some time. However, the move—and dream—comes to an end when my ex discovers I'm broke.

 

(There was also a strange segment with video of Johnny Carson playing on his tombstone, which only reads "1969". No context.)

 

 

They Were Warned! (May 2, 2015)

 

 

My daughter is missing; my unconcerned mom had sent her to Alex' house without my knowledge (or Alex's). Walking to my car, I pass many angries, including a fighting couple in mid-breakup who keep pace with me no matter how I vary my walking speed. 

 

Skip to the 1250; a few teen punks trespass on the (upstairs) porch. I threaten to toss one over the rail if they don't bounce. Not only do they not bounce—one hits me with a pebble and laughs. So I follow through on my threat and flip one over the rail; he lands spine-first on a sprinkler. The others scurry.

 

 

Black-And-White Porn (May 1, 2015)

 

For some reason, I'm waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather, killing time by watching rooftop basketball as well as a full sex scene on Perry Mason. 

Skp to a restaurant; I walk past a table with old Asian ladies. "He doesn't want to talk to us," one whispers when I choose to sit alone. I politely confront them and ask "You're right. Why would I? WHAT do we have in common?" They just turn away. And I never get my interview!

 

 

 

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