The Skillz Report

 

Better The Cans Than Me (July 31, 2015)

 

(The lovely) soap actress Melissa Claire Egan stars in this one; we're friendly and hanging out until she enters my closet, finds my recycling and splits because it "smells pissy."

 

I switch on the TV; a couple is lost in the woods, and the young wife isn't looking so well. The husband sets out on a rescue, Arriving at a farm, he asks directions out of there; the farmer gives him a full-scale model of the area (that he apparently just keeps lying around.)

 

As the wife gets sicker, the husband makes it appear as if he's mapping out a route to the nearest hospital when in actuality he seems to be stalling for time until hsi wife dies. Clearly, the word "rescue" doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

 

 

 

What's With All The Babes?? (July 30, 2015)

 

I'm with my family waiting for food at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom (which apparently has a cushioned, classy indoor dining area now). An attractive woman is seated near me, and I try to get her attention by...sitting there waiting. Obviously, she takes no notice. Somehow I'm surprised. 

 

Next, I'm struggling to put on my right shoe when my buddy Chris appears, warning me—in a semi-panic—that the police are cracking down on shoeless walking. Fortunately, the shoe fits. I'm spared.

 

Back to the 1250, where I'm listening to Journey's "Separate Ways" far too loud. My mama has some chick over; she's cute, so naturally I do what the real teen me would have done and avoided her in my room. Soon they're outside and Mama is riding a bike, complete with helmet, basically an overgrown 6-year-old. I'm able to see this because my TV somehow is allowing me to track her movements despite the fact that it is not on. Then my grandma almost falls out of my bed and I scold her.

 

 

 

Fore!! (July 29, 2015)

 

I'm 20-year-old me, using the toilet at the 1250. Before I do I ask my mama if she needed it. She declines...yet shows herself in while blabbing as I'm in mid-potty. Furious, I grab her nearby ironed slacks and slam them to the floor. However, word obviously didn't get around; my uncle similarly interrupts me as does a friend I ain't seen in a year. Oh, well.

 

Next, late Yankees manager Billy Martin is in our dining room hitting fungoes to no one in particular; my job is to protect a special-needs kid seated nearby. In the end I'm protecting myself, as this room is small and Martin is hitting golf balls. I later please him greatly by asking for tips fielding bunts at second base. (?)

 

Things wrap with me lugging a ton of board games and sports stuff somewhere, prompting a kid to exclaim "That's a BIG dude."

 

 

 

Ummm...Do I Know You? (July 28, 2015)

 

I'm doing some early grocery shopping when a relative somehow tracks me down to borrow my ATM card. I continue shopping—even though most of my items keep disappearing/reappearing in my cart—and make it upfront, where said relative is trying to pay with the card. While the cashier fools around with it, I loudly exclaim to my relative "They STILL haven't gave your card back?" At that very moment, the cashier hands the card back and I look like a total moron. Real nice.

 

Next thing I know, I'm working at the store—I'm in the back being given my instructions and goals for the day for what seems like a day, when a younger female colleague—who seems like an off-duty goth chick—approaches me and gets all up in my space. I assume she wants to fix my collar, but instead she greases my hairline without so much as one word.

 

Back in the congested parking lot, I circumvent a deluge of stalled traffic and reach my ride—finding an entire car door discarded near it. Wonder if the owner even noticed it was missing.

 

 

 

I PROMISE, It's Just Mayonnaise (July 27, 2015)

 

Back with my ex (ugh) and we're playing Monopoly with five dice instead of two. I'm destroying her in property, and simultaneously selling a wooden table that's shaped like a stumpy penis. 

 

 

 

Their Skulls May Have Been Quacked (July 26, 2015)

 

All I can remember from Segment A is walking down a long path, punching out ducks who keep flying at me aggressively. 

 

Segment B has me at the 1250 needing to change clothes. But I'm visible to people at the (fictional) neighboring drive-thru thru the window/blinds of every room I try to change in. I finally have to pull a Rambo and squat down out of view from room to room just to have a shower and get dressed. It is quite the sight.

 

 

 

Wipeout!!! (July 25, 2015)

 

Party time at my crib! Present are a few IRL friends including Mike, who for some reason brings a gallon of milk to the festivities. Shortly into the event, I am overcome with the urge to, uh, clean up back there—which I do right there in the kitchen, although no one seems to see me. THE DAMN BATHROOM WAS ONE ROOM OVER! Mike leaves without his milk, which bothers me more than it should—as if it'd been given to him by a now-deceased relative.

 

Next, I find myself doing armored transport; my partner is a girl from my IRL local grocery store. Though she's basically a stick, but she wields her weapon like a pro and is fearless. Nevermind that armed couriers—which I was for two years IRL—are not allowed to wield their weapon unless being shot at themselves, or that innocent civilians were everywhere. Can't blame her, though; there's not much excitement in her real job.

 

Lastly, my cousin Lando has been fired, and in his mind it was undeserved. Of course, as we converse, he reveals that he was all kinds of rude to everyone...and might have slapped his boss...but still. Firing?

 

 

I Didn't Score, And I Didn't Score (July 24, 2015)

 

Troubling set of visions. Not only has longtime Giants announcer Duane Kuiper died, but so has my top dawg Steve. His girlfriend is so distraught, all she can do to cope is sit around playing Scrabble by herself. I skip from comforting her one moment to bringing Alex coffee at work the next. I show up and can hear Alex even though she is not among any of the women there. Why? Apparently she now works inside the ceiling. Literally. I suppose one might need coffee for that.

 

Suddenly, I find myself hooping outside Alex' workplace, where for some reason her cute female boss is lying courtside, decked out, just chillin'. The ball gets away and I take pleasure in leaping over her to get it...who knows why. (Kicking myself for not "accidentally" tripping over her body and landing on it. It was nice.)

 

In closing, my buds Aldo and Nate join me for cards, spending the whole game name-dropping hot celebrities who I've never heard of.

 

 

What, No Charlie Murphy? (July 23, 2015)

 

I'm in a nighttime 3-on-3 with a beefy music mogul named Lenny Black and presumably, his dawgs. He bodies me up well, but I refuse to call foul in fear of displeasing him. The game is interrupted for a "Pro Sports Report" right there on the court. Oh, well. 

 

We all head inside; Lenny has private meetings and I'm left alone and bored. I track down Shaq in the back of the premises—turns out he owns it—to tell him I'm out. Simultaneously, Lenny's meeting ends and he tries to keep me there, using a strong urging you might expect from a large music mogul but stopping short of insisting. I stick to my guns and leave.

 

No real point to this vision, but at least I got to meet Shaq and come in contact with the bare torso of a powerful man.

 

 

Hillary's Stance On Aliens (July 22, 2015)

 

Tonight began with myself and six others, including Carrie Fisher and Hillary Clinton, inside a video game maze unable to find the hidden way out. Fisher finally unearths the switch behind a wall—it reveals two doors through which Kang and Kodos (the two aliens from The Simpsons Halloween shows) emerge, and yell at everyone for a bit.

 

Skip to my apartment, where Josie and I prepare to cook a ham. Referencing an IRL incident during the week, the ham still has head attached, to my chagrin. I slice the pork noggin off and we head to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. However, once we are sent away from a wide-open parking lot nearby, and a traffic light doesn't cycle for us as it should have, I get fed up and call off the excursion. Shocker, right?

 

 

That's How To Escape Child Support! (July 20, 2015)

 

Classroom again? WTH? This time two bugs are mating, but an old IRL classmate Brian smashes one just for kicks. Small kids want to see my Drunk Jon cartoon but I deny them due to the mature content. Instead, they eat my fruit salad and seem just as pleased with that. Oh, and the Panthers won the Super Bowl!

 

 

Look Out Above!!! (July 19, 2015)

 

We are about to begin class, and I've finally gotten over an IRL one-sided crush I've been harboring for, well, too long. Unfortunately, I'm forced to jog behind the girl in question as I try to reach class on time. Other than that, I'm proudly able to avoid her. Note: avoidance does little to actually change feelings...it just buries them.

 

The rest of the night consists of my cousin and I battling video game cell-phone villains with mallets—only to discover they can't die; a car unable to stop rolling uphill at the 1250 even with the E-brake on; the SF Giants fed up with "aging" AT&T Park and building a new one; and a box of uncooked chicken spilled on my couch along with spaghetti...that my visiting mom willingly eats. 

 

 

At Least I Remembered Underwear (July 18, 2015)

 

I'm back as an armed courier, and only after arriving at work do I realize I forgot to put on my uniform shirt. I go to the "uniform guy" who comes back with a box of curtains. I next go to a manager who returns with uniforms for another company. In all my efforts, I've forgotten to clock in, so I just decide to go back home. On the way to the car, some chick refers to me as Josephine—not with malice or scorn; she honestly thinks it's my name.

 

Not much else to report unless you count my family gathered and singing the background vocals to Christopher Cross' "Ride Like The Wind" in unison.

 

 

Gotta Stop Thinking So Loud (July 17, 2015)

 

I wrote down a bunch of drivel about a fake bridge freaking me out and an old IRL baseball teammate driving home 3 with an oppo liner—isn't writing stuff down supposed to help one remember it? Not by a longshot in this case..

 

But I do remember the segment of FedEx "testing" going on in some classroom, and the wife of an IRL bud secretly salting everyone's food. Afterward I must walk to a clinic; a woman behind me can hear my thoughts and shares, "He said it looks like the back of..."  Awaken before line is complete. 

 

 

Hey, Where's Your Reincarnation Permit, Pal? (July 15, 2015)

 

Briscoe and Green from Law & Order are investigating a homicide with me; Van Buren is even on scene. The evidence is collected and we all proceed to take off until realizing we forgot to bring the murder victim with us. Returning to the scene of the crime, we find the old man in his tub, alive and now relaxing. Naturally, Briscoe and Green hassle him and bleme him for not being dead.

 

Other than that, just some weirdeness surrounding the Warriors shooting at the wrong basket for the first opening minute or so and no one really caring.

 

 

That's An Awfully Small Basketball (July 13, 2015)

 

The New York Mets, behind manager Don Mattingly have won the NBA championship, with Derek Jeter homering in his "final" at-bat. It is not explained why he's batting in an NBA game, but what do I care.

 

 

The New In-Spot: Loading Docks (July 12, 2015)

 

It's well past dark and I'm behind a mall. Not sure if it is closed yet, I approach the side of the building, which is populated by a dozen or so socializers who seem better suited for a Starbucks. Seeing on my phone that it's 9:30—30 minutes past closing—I make a U-turn in disappointment. Hope is briefly restored when the phone reads 8:30—until I realize that caked-on filth is making the digital 9 look like an 8. Oh, well.

 

Just before I reach the car, a custodian or somebody picking up litter around the building realizes I left my sweatshirt and windbreaker on my laundry cart (?) and returns them. I'm so grateful that I pick up a piece of trash for the guy.

 

Things wrap with me deciding to use the still-open public restroom adjacent to the mall. But when I get there, I can't shake the feeling a corpse is behind the angled wall, so I leave without doing anything. Mind you, there was no indication of anybody being there—no shadow, no blood trail, no vlultures or flies or anything to suggest death. I've got issues.

 

 

I May Have Overreacted Slightly...(July 10, 2015)

 

So far this month, Night Visions and my recollection of them have been largely disappointing. Tonight, I'm riding somewhere with Alex, and she reveals she can drive a double clutch. Even though it's not clear this particular vehicle is a double clutch, and even though I'm not close to home, I demand to get out of the car immediately. She obliges my idiotic request; I additionally end our friendship all because she can do something I can't.

 

(BTW, this is something I'd probably do in real life, but not with Alex.)

 

 

Don't Judge; Railroads Are Cool! (July 9, 2015)

 

Nothing anyone would understand, just me obsessing over the opening of a railroad crossing and nearly falling off of it. Okay, maybe it's not that hard to understand after all.

 

 

Batman? HAS To Be A Baseball Fan (July 8, 2015)

 

Let's see...I obtain a large ESPN magazine that is full of more Batman movie crap than actual sports stuff. Next thing I know, I'm trying to escape one of my high school teachers, high-tailing it on foot. But when I reach the grass outside, my legs won't go fast anymore and the sprinklers come on. My IRL bud Paul sees all this and just smiles. No laugh...just smile. 

(It is never explained why I'm trying to escape my teacher. I'm gonna just assume he was horny.)

 

 

 

Um...You Know You CAN Arrest Him, Right? (July 6, 2015)

 

There is trouble at the apartment of Detective Munch (of Law & Order SVU)—it seems the tenants are all forced to use one restroom on an upper floor, and must pay "toll" to some large thug with a baton to be granted access—even this highly-decorated law enforcement official, apparently.

Detective Benson finds out about it and goes to Munch. "I can handle it!" he barks, embarrassed about and resigned to his fate all at once. (It is not explained why Munch's own apartment apparently lacks a toilet.)

 

Next, I'm at the 1250, and LeBron James and I are gonna go kick it...if LeBron can find his keys. We search high, we search low. Ten minutes later, I locate the King's keys in my own damn pocket—but obviously pretend to have found them wedged behind something in the kitchen. Before we can exit, our mood changes when Tim Duncan announces his retirement at season's end...triggering sobs from both of us. Good GOD...

 

 

 

Punk'd AGAIN (July 5, 2015)

 

Myself and another manager save the day, marching into a Taco Bell as reinforcements for the short-handed staff (who murmur in awe). As a refresher, I make several items old and new off the Menu and stuff them in a bag to take home later. 

Things go smoothly at first, until somebody orders the Grilled Stuft Nacho—which I have no idea how to make. Everyone else is too busy to assist and worse—my to-go bag has vanished. So I do the same.

 

Next, I'm at my aunt's rental office, where the on-site manager is basically interrogating me. In accusatory fashion, he notes things about me he has no business knowing and suspects me of (unintentionally) starting a fire that night. Just as my ears begin producing steam, he reveals himself to be a security guard playing an elaborate prank on me with the help of my aunt. I wake up before I can behead him.

 

 

Now Batting For The 49ers, A Golden State Warrior  (July 4, 2015)

 

 

My crew is feuding internally, so we're watching the Super Bowl in the same house on two different TV's. The 49ers beat some AFC West team, prompting me to harrass NBA star Andrew Bogut about his 2,997 career hits. I think I may need to dial back the sports.

 

 

Won't Find It In Libraries! (July 3, 2015)

 

 

Be advised I remember only some of what I'm reporting from my notes...and my notes aren't fully clear because of the sucky pen used to write them.

 

Things apparently kicked off with me smooching an IRL friend for reading Shakespeare's "Book Of Breasts" and meeting ex-MLB pitcher Mike Smithson and inviting him to the arcade.

 

What I do recall is being at my mom's apartment when a "carpet cleaner" visits, showing himself in without invitation. I first shove him back outside, then hurl him over the 2nd-floor rail when he bows up. Nice guy that I am, I go to call 911 but Mom ruins the call by interrupting from another phone. So I just forget about it. 

 

Somehow, some punks outside get me to bring them some lemonade. When I do, they are sprinting toward a bus...which they do not catch. This results in a huge intrasquad fight—and free lemonade for me! 

 

 

This Telethon Actually LOST Money (July 2, 2015)

 

 

A telethon is underway! James Brown has been kind enough to return from the dead and perform, and Will Ferrell adds what I'm sure he thinks are humorous impersonations of several other famous recording artists. No mention of how many dollars—if any at all—are raised.

 

The event inspires me to showcase my own impersonation talents. As an audience of zero looks on, I brilliantly imitate Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, and any other pro wrestler I can think of. 

 

 

No, We're NOT A Couple (July 1, 2015)

 

 

Non-sequitorious tonight. "Highlights" include some other black guy and myself joining forces and checking out our groceries simultaneously to avoid the long lines, and my 3am introduction to an IRL old friend's suspicious husband who accuses us of...being friends for over 20 years! (When the truth is, our friendship ended 20 years ago. Men...)

 

 

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