The Skillz Report

 

D'Oh! (October 31, 2015)

 

The WWE's "Million Dollar Man" Ted Diabase gives The Undertaker a "Berry Bonds" poster and also promises him a birthday party. The poster has Bonds' stats, but a picture of Homer Simpson.

 

 

I Wasn't Happy To See Her (October 29, 2015)

 

Somehow, I find myself in the center of a busy road. As I find safety, a young woman asks "Is that change in your pocket?" Upon confirmation: "Oh, okay."

Arriving at a churro stand, I have a long internal debate over buying one now and having it cold when the bus arrives, or waiting until the bus comes and risking a girl group holding up the line. Why I can't just buy and eat the churro NOW is not explained.

 

 

Fighting The War On Litter (October 27, 2015)

 

I'm in the Army cleaning up around a 76 gas station lot near my mom's place. Others salute the inspecting Commanding Officer, but my salute is so awful that I'm told to attend his seminar. There, I struggle to stay awake even as he screws up reference to the 90's TV show "Steinfeld".

 

 

No Internet Or News Where She's From, Apparently (October 25, 2015)

 

Me and dozens of "other" comedy celebs are in "airport court" on weapons charges, but since on one can prove we ever had weapons in the airport, we all walk one-by-one by just saying "No" when asked about them.

 

Next, a car has crashed into a Wal-Mart, and a woman in an adjacent car literally demands to be contacted the next time I go, so we can both find out what happened.

 

 

Run, Before We Turn Into Babies! (October 23, 2015)

 

"John Berry" a.k.a. Mr. T wins a very tame professional fight in some nightclub as his A-Team mates watch in the crowd. (At least, until Hannibal ditches the event to have sex.) It is soon revealed the team just defeated their latest group of foes by moving in reverse, fooling the baddies into believing they were traveling back in time. Brilliant!

 

 

You're GROUNDED! Now Go To My Son's Room! (October 22, 2015)

 

My mother keeps "sending" her co-workers to my room. How exactly she's doing this is unknown and irrelevant, because I'm not enjoying it. One hops in bed with me—calm down, she's not that attractive—and another brings along two kids, makes herself at home and just hangs out as I watch television. Clearly, Mom's telling these (obviously dumb) ladies I'm Derek Jeter or something.

 

 

So Who The Hell Am I Dragging? (October 21, 2015)

 

This one makes no sense. My mom and uncle don't believe I work for FedEx, even as I'm busy loading FedEx packages. As I work to convince them, something on the conveyor belt catches the fire extinguisher on fire, which quickly spreads. I drag my uncle out of the flames (even though he's completely unharmed) to a neighbor's house, where I find that same uncle already there, feeding my daughter while simultaneously calling 911 about the fire. That actually takes a bit of talent, IMHO.

 

Skip to an episode of CSI:NY. The team shows up to Danny's house with a sign: "16 months back rent PAID!" I'm part of a radio crew covering the event, though I'm considering quitting after three years of not being allowed on the air. Just then, I'm given a Missouri tornado bulletin to read on the air with zero warning and expectedly stumble over it, ruining any shot I had at a promotion.

 

 

What, Katherine Helmond Wasn't Available? (October 20, 2015)

 

I'm playing hoops alone at a park of about 12 courts—the others are all vacated. Some dude shows up and starts shooting at my court like I'm not even there. Just as I bitch him out for not using one of the other 11 open courts, I turn around and find dozens of dudes have materialized out of nowhere and populated all 11 other courts, leaving me looking and feeling pretty damn stupid.

 

Skip to me as Michael Scott from The Office; I meet Marla Gibbs, who is there to help the staff get in shape by jogging. Marla doesn't care for me much and I depart early, walking to my (fictional) San Francisco home. During said walk, I witness a box truck gently pushing a jaywalker all the way up the road, with neither party at all concerned with what's happening. Since they don't care, neither do I.

 

 

It Sets A Bad Precedent! (October 19, 2015)

 

I'm a Long John Silver's employee; on Day 1, I'm one of six workers plus a manager on duty. No one is cooking or serving much food, yet the line moves. One man wants 49 calamari strips, but we only sell them in packs of 27, and the guy refuses to buy five extra strips. Another man enters the lobby asking for his $20 back from the drive thru. He does not say why and we do not ask, so apparently he just wanted free food. If only it was that easy.

 

Later, I'm set to file an official complaint against not only Josie's teacher, but the teacher of one of Josie's friends for...wearing flip-flops in the cold.

 

 

How Did You Spend YOUR Afternoon? (October 18, 2015)

 

Nothing worth mention until the very end, where I'm walking through a construction site swinging a pick axe while singing "Candle In The Wind" by Elton John. 

 

 

Something's Different In Here...(October 16, 2015)

 

Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond goes on a PTSD machine gun attack, destroying the Barone home as 75-year-old Frank repeatedly tumbles and dives out of harm's way like a 25-year-old. Ray comes home and doesn't even notice anything unusual. I haven't watched more than a scene of this show in over a decade...no idea what triggered this.

 

 

Definitely Not The NBA (October 15, 2015)

 

I'm watching a Judge Judy case about a guy—who's in a "well-known industry"—suing two live-in pals of his teen daughter for...$10. One of the girls is so mouthy, Byrd has to whack her witness stand with a club to shut her up. The plantiff loses when he can only throw one of four items into a trash can seven feet away, disgusting the judge.

 

Afterward, Judge Judy proves herself totally unfamiliar with the plantiff's "industry".

 

 

There's A Man With Honor (October 14, 2015)

 

Tonight, I'm striking out guys like crazy...in a grocery store aisle...using a wrapped pack of paper plates as a ball. The game is halted when a display serving as the backstop vanishes. No one considers just using a wall. We're not the brightest bunch, apparently.

 

Afterward, a tiny porn star takes me to a hotel room. We fool around a bit until clips of Family Guy play out of nowhere and spoil the mood. (And no, it wasn't on my TV IRL.)

 

Finally, former Giants OF Randy Winn is a medical examiner on CSI: Miami. At least until he's murdered and proven dirty during the investigation. Feeling ashamed, Winn returns from the dead to serve his prison term. Why can't more crooks be like that?

 

 

Tackled At The 1-Yard Line (October 12, 2015)

 

A Michael Mancini-type creep is abusing a "retard", as he calls him, in a public area—at least until two toughs beat him up in revenge. Watching this go down, I make an innocent remark, but one of the toughs doesn't like it and bows up to me. Not standing a chance in this fight, I talk my way out of trouble and head home on foot, telling myself "If I can make it home without trouble, everything will be cool."

 

The rest of the vision consists of me trying with all my might to walk the mile or so home without getting in any confrontations, as if there is an actual reward at stake. Loose dogs pose a threat, but they ultimately don't attack. I even begin to worry that a seemingly harmless young woman walking in front of me will somehow wreck my plan, but she doesn't.

 

At last I get to my complex and am all BUT home free. But just outside the gate two dudes hassle me and I beat one unconscious with a pipe. Damn it to hell.

 

 

Oh, Well, More Money For Me (October 9, 2015)

 

An insurance ad starring yours truly and some actress is being filmed in my driveway. As cheesy 70's music plays in the background, I recite my line which goes something like "Safe in your car, behind your car, even under your car!" as the actress poses in each respective position. But when we finish, she does not re-emerge from under the car and has vanished entirely. Not as safe under there as we were claiming, evidently.

 

I'm later idling in said car so as to preserve the...speedometer???

 

 

For A Sprinter To Be Named Later (October 7, 2015)

 

This was some weird sequence of Jason Giambi being traded by the Yankees to Kenya, rooming in a fortune teller's house with the NBA's Klay Thompson (and doing push-ups as I walk there), and gathering with friends to watch a big UFC fight on a 10-foot cell phone.

 

 

What Can Brown Do TO You? (October 6, 2015)

 

Obviously feeling bold, I steal a few smooches from the UPS man's girl as he's standing right there—and doing so again when we share a triple-hug. Only later, when going through an old baseball card album, does the magnitude of my actions hit me, and I begin to irrationally worry the UPS guy is somehow hiding inside the album waiting to attack.

 

 

You're Awfully Quiet Tonight, MJ (October 5, 2015)

 

It's NBA Opening Night and I'm on the scene, but get off to a rip-roaringly bad start when I confuse Jerry Rice's shadow for Michael Jordan.

The game being played is Warriors/Clippers, and taking place in my kitchen. A Clips rookie is pulling some WWE-style tricks by fouling while the refs are distracted (?). We—yes, I'm now suddenly on the team—give him a serious warning before destroying him on the court, especially Andrew Bogut who dunks on him so savagely that no one's sure at first if Bogut dunked the ball or the kid's head.

(In a bizarre non-sequitur, he's next seen being mounted by a female Bulls player while running up-court. I can't explain.)

 

 

Malcolm In The Rehab (October 2, 2015)

 

Scenes include:

• A Bryan Cranston sitcom where his teenage son drinks beer and Cranston is only upset because he's almost out of beer now,

• A one-eyed Kevin Johnson (former NBA star and current Sacramento mayor), and

• A bitchy cop shooting a white criminal and then getting in a racial argument with his all-black legal team on the street, rather than anyone calling for help.

 

 

Gotta Be Prepared. He's Litigious! (October 1, 2015)

 

Like all families do, my mom and I are practicing what to do if we ever offend Roger Clemens. (She plays the role of Clemens). Skip to a dungeon murder scene where two men have been hanged and a woman is being injected with...Spam. I had toast and jelly right before bed, in case anyone's wondering.

 

 

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