The Skillz Report

They MAKE Those In My Size? (November 29, 2018)

 

Things begin with me and a new partner working our armed courier route; one of our stops is Jordache and an attractive female in a Daphne-from-Scooby-Doo costume leads us to the cash office. Once we return outdoors, "Daphne" has me hold the bottom of her dress (she's still wearing) while she trims it even. I do not mind at all, people.

 

Next, I find myself in the 1250, post-shower with no clothes and unable to reach my room undetected. So I do as anyone would do and put on a Girl Scout outfit that just happens to be hanging there.

 

Finally, I'm tasked with helping a long-ago IRL colleague move a large street sign pole across "15th Street" all by myself. Somehow I do it and reward myself by smooching the colleague, even though she's an IRL lesbian.

 

 

This Food Is NASTY! (November 28, 2018)

 

At the 1250, Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors tensely warm up before a game; it seems the two of them are interested in the same woman. I step away for a moment and when I return, the players are gone and Janet Jackson has burned hot dogs on the stove.

Moments later, I read that Curry's teammate Draymond Green stole beats from Dr. Dre.

 

 

More Like Slobsters (November 26, 2018)

 

On Seinfeld, a woman buys a $50K home to make a $10K donation to college. Says her daughter, "If you wanna get played, go ahead!" The school president is hammering the football coach for not running his players enough in practice, but once he does so and the game starts, his star receiver is worn out and misses every pass thrown toward him.

 

Continuing with Seinfeld, George hires Morty (Jerry's dad) to host a Yankees radio program but he's fired after one show for being too honest. To teach him a lesson, evidently, the president keeps Morty but has him "thrown in a cubicle" and orders his staff to haze him relentlessly. By day's end, however, Morty is partying it up with the youngsters.

 

Morty is then offered a driving position after yet again declaring he "sold raincoats for 38 years!". Moments later, a mobster asks him what's under the ground they're standing on—he clearly wants that secret revealed now. The mobster and two goons reach the lunch area of Morty's office and intimidates the staff: "Not even a prison guard is gonna save you!"

 

With all the staff (including me) sufficiently intimidated, the mobster proceeds to...give us all wet willies. We soon revolt.

 

 

That Damn Szalinski (November 22, 2018)

 

With Tinker Bell's help, a group of shrunken kids make it past a security guard by running on his mustache to safety.

 

 

Might Sex Have Been On The Brain? (November 21, 2018)

 

In McDonald's, after a performer in the "Check It Out*" video is killed, Pharrell shows up at my table and asks to borrow a butt plug I happen to have sitting out. Apparently, we're cool like that.

 

Skip to my ex asking me to watch Josie while she flies off somewhere. I joke about all the ribs in their freezer saying goodbye as well...but it doesn't come close to landing.

 

Next, I have to vehemently argue with my mom the drawbacks of paying her brother's $80 Readers Digest bill. Shortly after, I'm beating it when—as I'm mid-finish—something collides with the building, forcing me to run to the door naked to investigate (there's nothing visible.)

 

Finally, I'm watching a show featuring a mob meeting. Things are going as you might expect when the head mobster gets up and commences floor nooky with his goomah, right in front of everyone, while still running the meeting. 

 

* by Will I. Am and Nicki Minaj

 

 

Steal The Lunch? Feel The Punch (November 15, 2018)

 

While I order for friends at an automated McDonald's kiosk, my own food sits unattended at a nearby table and some chick helps herself to a few fries...earning a slap from me. Then a heavyset preteen boy tries the same, so he's beaten and flung outside by me. Finally, a college kid steals just one fry—I yell at him and slap him upside the head. (However, my attempt to verbally punk him falls flat. I should stick to physical violence, apparently.)

 

 

Tampax Won't Help This (November 14, 2018)

 

After scenes of a barefoot Dana Scully battling some monster, me writing a half-decent Friends episode, and me verbally beating down my grandma, the scene skips to an outdoor crowd listening to Bill Clinton speak from high above.

 

Someone in the crowd argues with Clinton, so the Secret Service shoots at him, striking President Hillary Clinton in the genitals and killing her. Bill—not the Vice-President—takes over as President and it's revealed Hillary's shooting was no accident; Bill wants to start World War III. Plans stall when his daughter's INV girlfriend is captured by unknown forces.

 

 

We're Not Comedians (November 10, 2018)

 

Chuck E. Cheese is hosting a birthday party for Josie. An alarm goes off in the kitchen area; I joke "Sounds like a REALLY wrong Family Feud answer!" Crickets.

Then my ex tries to impersonate Goofy, but sounds more like Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond.

 

 

Inappropriate Much? (November 9, 2018)

 

Tonight's vision gives me a front-row seat to some Beverly Hills, 90210 drama—Valerie, along with Dylan's unclaimed kid, is dumped by David and in disbelief because of the hot outfit she's wearing. Luckily, Steve is there to console her, and I walk on.

Around the corner, I encounter...two stegosauruses and a rhinoceros, all ready to ground me up. That is, until an unnamed celebrity rises from a nearby pond and baseball-bats them away. My walk continues.

 

Next, I'm at "Wrigley Field", which is actually a random neighborhood softball diamond. Hall-Of-Famer Mike Schmidt is hit in the mouth by a BOUNCED pitch from ex-Giant Rick Reuschel, and a fracas ensues. At least until an aging urban chick drives by and opens fire on the participants.

 

Next thing I know, I'm in a library, tossing the baseball with late Hall-of-Fame pitchers Jim Bunning and Catfish Hunter (both of whose careers ended before my birth). Bunning digs that I'm mimicking his pitching motion, which I didn't know I was doing. I express the wish they were both still alive; "What year is it?!" the confused duo asks.

Later, I'm chatting with A's announcer Ray Fosse and Red Sox star Dustin Pedroia; I mention of once IRL not digging Fosse too much but eventually growing to like him. Pedroia somehow compares my change in opinion to sexual assault.

 

 

A Movie About...Nothing? (November 8, 2018)

 

I'm Jerry Seinfeld, who is also Batman but won't tell Jessica Biel—with whom he's supposed to film a Batman movie. Only when I try on the suit (supposedly for the first time) and Biel notices my prior chip crumbs and stains do I admit the truth. Despite the deceit, she's nice enough to clean me up.

 

We, for some reason, do the actual filming of our own stunt doubles on a zipline of sorts, then hook up with Kevin Durant and his fams at a restaurant. His family speaks as if he's some lazy scrub player and that the Warriors signed him out of pity. Me: "Am I the only one here who's actually watched him play?"

As I leave, Dennis Franz also exits with his meal a few steps ahead; he politely smiles but doesn't want to speak. That is, until he re-enters, unhappy with his meal: "They mixed my ketchup and mustard; it looks like that little girl's shirt!" I shrug.

 

Next—and props to you if you remember this 1990's NBC show—I'm The Pretender, and I've got a dude wired to a car battery until he decides to "talk". Eventually he breaks loose and I—after a warning—beat him and leave. This causes awkwardness a minute later when I'm forced to return for my pants, which somehow fell completely off during said beating.

 

 

We Can't ALL Be Richard Kimble (November 6, 2018)

 

I shop with the cast of Living Single; stars Kim Fields and Queen Latifah struggle to conceal they don't get along. After finishing, a train bears down nearby tracks out-of-control; I (and others) are forced to jump off an unfinished bridge to safety—cue dramatic scene of me gathering courage and shutting my eyes to make the leap...two feet, into shallow water.

 

The train crashes and the resulting explosion wipes out most adults in whatever town we're in. Queen Latifah cannot locate a particular friend, but does manage to adopt the friend's (apparently) orphaned children to somebody else, sight unseen. Early signs: bad idea, since the kids are seen trudging across the incinerated town to their new guardian rather than being picked up.

 

 

In Her Case, It's Broken-Foot Ball (November 5, 2018)

 

Somehow, I can see airport foot traffic right outside my bedroom—something big has happened, everybody's murmuring about it, so I fake continued sleep to keep from being hassled. Eventually, the room becomes a classroom populated by Madison Bumgarner; unsure what to say, I share a phony experience I had with a dirty barbershop bathroom—the whole class is listening in, so I'm forced to see the tale through. Somehow, I pull it off, and the room is enthralled (including Bumgarner...yay.)

 

Things wrap with me tossing the football with Robert Guilliame and some chick on crutches.

 

 

This Is A HOUSE, Not An Ark (November 4, 2018)

 

• With my friend's daughter, I fill out a form and ask myself: "Is today the 9th or 10th?...Eh, I'll just put both." She laughs.

• Old HS classmate Zante takes my wallet, but quickly returns it, claiming he just wanted my ID in case he was pulled over. I start to explain the huge chasm in his plan, but realize it's probably pointless.

• I take a selfie in blizzard wear, for absolutely no reason.

• A dozen various animals, including one elephant, are lined up outside the 1250. An old hippie had apparently been feeding them; I (sans shoes) track him down at a nearby yard sale, but—fearing he'll insult me being poor—shy away from a confrontation.

• The 98 Degrees song "I Do" moves me to tears.

 

 

No Burgers For Me Anytime Soon (November 3, 2018)

 

Things begin with my grandma looking for missing ground beef, which turns up in her bed. "It's very warm," warns my mama, but Granny cooks and eats it anyway as we watch the MLB highlight show Quick Pitch—in pursuit of a foul ball, one fan throws another down a long aisle of stairs. She doesn't mind too much.

 

Next, Robert Redford is upset with life, and yells at his INV wife about a moved TV. He then erupts and gets physical when she has the audicity to point out his age (51). I try, but cannot change the channel. Worse yet, I soon become the wife, and the target of thrown ground beef Redford dropped. I surmise the abuse will not end anytime soon and force myself awake for a time.

 

Returning to slumber, I throw two paper towel rolls at my mom just because, then turn up in shop class curious about the safety protocols for a table saw. I'm basically blown off, and instructed to hold a cart steady on an inclined floor—sounds easy, but the cart and gravity team up to drag me all the way across the room.

I describe a tardy classmate—an INV edition of ex-big leaguer Damion Easley—as not being dumb. He then shows up and proves me colossally wrong.

 

On the way to 2nd period, my pants disappear and I run home, as someone shouts "He lettin' it ALL hang out!!"

 

 

HELLO? A Woman's Right To Choose? (November 1, 2018)

 

I select produce for four cute girls in the store...without their knowledge. With no obvious benefit to any of us.

 

Next, Spongebob Steph Curry gets long-sought respect at work and settles in for a night of getting high and studying, while I sit nearby trying not to watch the INV film (Malcolm) X II. Despite my efforts, I still witness violent racist scenes against a rice worker reserving a hoop court, as well as Astros catcher Brian McCann.

 

 

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