The Skillz Report

Stuff My Kid Says

 

 

There were two incarnations of a TV show revolving around the darndest things kids say—with good reason. Fueled by innocence, curiousity, confusion and plain old silliness, you never know what's going to emerge from a child's mouth next. Some of the time, that's terrifying—ask me about the 2013 fish restaurant ordeal—but much of the time, it's laugh-out-loud awesome.

 

Like millions of other children, my daughter Josie (age 7) has a lengthy rap sheet of unintended comic gems to her credit. Unlike millions of other children, her father has a website to post the best of said gems. If you like this page, check back regularly—new additions will be posted as they A) are produced, or B) return to my memory—I was too lazy to write down many Josie quotes as they happened.

 

Last updated 8/11/17

 

 

 

(January 2016, we are at an indoor playground when a girl with both lower legs amputated enters to play. I strike preemptively)

 

ME: (whispering) A little girl just came in, and she's missing part of her legs. Don't stare at her, don't point, nothing like that. Treat her normally.

JOSIE: (pointing and NOT whispering)...you mean THAT girl?

ME: (bonecrushing facepalm)

 

 

 

(July 2015, we have almost completed a walk to our local grocery store when Josie comes up tired)

 

ME: Come on, Josie. We're almost there.

JOSIE: Can't we call a tow truck?

 

 

 

(once inside the grocery store, Josie hears something and stops suddenly)

 

ME: What?

JOSIE: It sounded like a chicken was flapping its wings.

 

 

 

(June 2015, Josie has had a rough night sleeping)

 

ME: Why were you tossing and turning all night?
JOSIE: I think I was trying to lose weight.

 

 

 

(April 2015, a driver makes an unsafe turn in front of our car)

 

ME: Idiot!

JOSIE: We should call 911. "Hello, 911? There's an idiot by our car!"

 

 

(Early 2015; we are playing "Hospital". I am the doctor, Josie is the parent of a sick son)

 

ME: So, how old is your son?

JOSIE: He's 10.

ME: And you think he's really sick?

JOSIE: Yes.

ME: What seems to be the problem with him?

JOSIE: He is coughing and he's throwing up.

ME: And how long has this been going on?

JOSIE: About 200 hours.

 

 

(Late 2014: At a kids museum, Josie and two other kids play on a replica fire engine)

JOSIE (running with arms flailing) "HELP! HELP! I'M ALMOST ON FIRE!"

 

 

(Fall 2012, we are shopping when Josie opens a box of graham crackers I haven't paid for yet)

 

ME: Josie, don't open those! We haven't bought them yet.

JOSIE: Oh, sorry. I was just checking inside for any dirt.

 

 

(2016; Josie is protesting having to put her toys away)

 

ME: Josie, put your toys away. (Or something to that effect)

JOSIE: But Daaaad—

ME: Just put them away, Josie.

JOSIE: Daaaaad—

ME: Child, don't argue with me!

JOSIE: But Dad, I NEED to argue!

(I couldn't resist laughing.)

 

 

(July 2017; I'm sorting some baseball cards with Josie by my side)

 

ME: This was the Giants on "Turn Back The Clock" day.

JOSIE: What's that?

(I explain)

ME: For a while, they even had "Turn Ahead The Clock" day.

JOSIE: Why can't they just have "Keep The Clock Where It Is" day?

 

 

(Watching Paw Patrol, Josie educates me on a character)

 

JOSIE: He always gets hurt sometimes.

 

 

(2014; Josie makes a new friend at Children's Discovery Museum in San Jose)

 

JOSIE: Hi, my name's Josie.

KID: Hi, my name is (name)

JOSIE:...did you know my dad's going bald?