The Skillz Report

Pregnant...From Eye Contact? It's True.

 

(originally written 3/22/11)

 

 

Meet Tracy Hollister.

 

In May of 2010, she was 25 years old, living independently for the first time and making a fairly decent living. The sky was the limit.

 

“I was doing very well for myself,” says Tracy. “I was going to a job I loved every day, and spending my weekends with my friends. Life was very good, I’d have to say.” 

 

Until she met Skillz Savage.

 

“He ruined my life.”

More to the point, his good looks ruined her life.

 

It was at a Starbucks that their paths crossed. Tracy was waiting in line for a frappucino. Skillz was desperately searching for a bathroom, any bathroom. In his hurried state, he stumbled in the doorway and fell. As he got up, his eyes locked with Tracy’s. And everything changed.

 

“Later that night, I was pregnant,” she says, disgustedly. Apparently, so handsome was Skillz that one of Tracy’s eggs fertilized itself on the spot, triggered by only the thought of being with him. She gave birth last month. She was forced to quit her job. Those friends she used to hang out with don’t call anymore.

 

“I can’t help being gorgeous,” says Savage, who turns 31 tomorrow. “Like Gaga said, I was born this way.”

 

A former friend refutes that last statement.

 

“There was a time when the thought of being with Skillz would make me heave,” says Candace Banks, who has known Savage since the two were kindergartners. “Now that same thought can make me conceive?” The two are no longer friends, as Banks refuses to take the risk of an eye-contact pregnancy: “I don’t want to end up like those other women.”

 

Other women? It’s true. Statewide, Savage is believed responsible for at least seven other ECP’s. Because of the unnatural method of conception, DNA testing is impossible as of this printing. The only common link to the pregnancies: each woman reported locking eyes with a mysterious chocolate hunk.

 

“I’ve heard of women having orgasms upon locking eyes with a hunk. But getting pregnant? No way,” says scientist Martin Bueller of UCLA, whose team is researching the epidemic. For now, women in childbearing years who live in the San Francisco Bay Area and do not want to get pregnant are being advised to read magazines as they walk, or look down at their shoes. “Sunglasses can slow down the conception, but not entirely stop it,” Bueller says. 

 

Guys are also advised to be careful. “Obviously, when I looked at him, I couldn’t get pregnant,” says 28-year-old bank teller Tyrone Shaw. “But I did suddenly yearn to become a woman.” 

 

For the record, Savage does have one child, 16-month-old Josie. Was she the result of an ECP? “No,” Savage explains, “She was conceived the old-fashioned way: I’d just got done watching the Warriors cheerleaders, and so I rolled her mom over and pumped her full of goo. It was kind of romantic.”

 

He goes on to share how his own good looks have cursed him.

 

“People think it’s awesome to be so handsome that girls stop dead in their tracks and get pregnant. Well, it’s not. I can’t even look them in the eye anymore. When I talk to a chick, I gotta stare at her breasts or legs for both our sakes…it’s terrible.” 

 

Says Banks: “I lost my best friend. Sometimes I wish he still looked like the ape he resembled in high school.”